She walks around with love in her eyes. Sits down on a bench covered in snow. "Soft like a pillow she whispers" but the sea and it's creatures aren't able to hear it because everything is frozen except for her heart which is warmer than ever. She knows that if she sits there long enough the christmas lights will be turned on. She closes her eyes and hopes to fall asleep and wake up at Christmas Eve. -Don't you just think it's stressful to celebrate Christmas again! Felt like it was yesterday? an old women passing by shouts. -Is it Christmas Eve yet? The girl wonders and opens her eyes to discover a lot of presents in front of her eyes. -Who are all of these for, someone must have been really good this year! -Well there's a present for uncle Jimmie, uncle Stephen, my husband, the chairman of my knitting club, my neighbour, our cat Snowie, my cousins and my husbands brothers, our kids Allie and Billie our grandson... -Wow that's.. a lot of people. The girl sees a pair of tired eyes covered with reading glasses,behind green and red wrapping paper, ribbons and stocking fillers. -And yet nobody helps you carry all of these presents? -No, because I've done it alone every year, why would I suddenly need help? I might look old but I'm still a child inside. -I might look young but I'm old inside, the girl answers. The old and the young lady laugh together. -So you've found my worrying bench young lady, is something wrong sweetie? -No dear old lady, to me this is a happy place, I come here everytime I feel extremly happy.
-Well I could use some of that happiness dear child, might want to share it with me?
- Of course! I'm happy because today I understood that Christmas is peace instead of stress. Christmas arrives in your heart when you sit back and wait for it to come. People rush around looking for christmas spirit in huge malls on black friday when all you need to do is lit a candle at home and gather all your nearest and dearest.
-I understand. You've found the spirit of Christmas young lady. You see I often forget that I do not need to rush, Christmas comes every year without me stressing out.
-mmhmm, did you visit many stores?
-Hahaa, well you see I don't need to. We make everything ourselves.
-You make everything?
-Yes!
-Why, that's like double the amount of stress?
-Someone has to do it, I made you those gloves with my own two hands, I can still see that you've got small hands.
-What do you mean?
Suddenly the girl wakes up to the sound of a strong wind around her. "I thought it was real, but now it feels like a dream". It's suddenly got dark and someone has turned on the lightswitch because the stars shine almost as bright as the christmas lights all around the park. The ground in front of the girl isn't filled with presents anymore. A little Christmas card in light brown paper layed on the ground. The girl reached out for the card and felt the tention fill her hand as she grabbed it. "I thought I'd already met all of the elfs but apparently I've found one more. -Ms. Claus."

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I practiced writing long before anything else. At the age of 5 I wanted to be able to write my own books. Those books were mainly pictures and a few words but it didn't matter back then as long as I was able to create something I was a happy child. If my imagination wasn't used in someway I would feel as though my imaginary world was real. Some things I couldn't yet explain by writing, so I decided to draw until I could explain it with words.

In school I learned the act of creating magic with the help of a pen and paper. Nothing felt better. I devoted an entire notebook to practicing how to write words correctly. I told my friends stories and showed them how stairs could be a mountain to climb and everytime I visited a relative I gave them one of my drawings because I showed love by giving a person something, by giving them a story.

In fifth grade I was told that my handwriting couldn't be read by anyone. I started improving it, I decided to make it soft and unique. But that comment hurt me deeply at that time so, I turned away from writing for a while and concentrated on painting again. I painted almost carelessly, I wanted to be free and my paintings brought it to light. But in the fourth grade we wrote a lot. I remember how I wondered why some students had difficulties in knowing were to start. -I don't know what to write about! they shouted. The stories came to me somehow from nowhere and I was always finnished before class ended but I still continued on writing my story to perfection at home.

My teenage years were difficult. I isolated myself from people and was afraid to speak with anyone in fear of failure. I was afraid of failure and myself. So writing became a way to communicate feelings and stories from the real world. I wrote deep and dark poems about feeling like an outsider, hiding from oneself and pretending to be something else than herself. Writing saved me and brought light into my personal darkness. My handwriting also started to improve and I found a new method of creating stories; walking while listening to music, the themes of the music I listened to brought stories to life. I also read a lot during this period in order to get myself together, educate myself and find inspiration. And I got an idea for a novel but I wasn't ready to write it quite yet.

Upper secondary school started. I started to know myself a bit better. I realised that history and arts were my passions. In order to learn in school I wrote status updates on facebook about the subjects I were studying at the time. I wrote about physics, biology and praticed my language skills. I begun to learn how to take notes, doodle and make mindmaps during class. I also always carried a notebook for sudden ideas with me. One day however, I had somehow forgotten it at home so I used my phone instead and there has been no going back, whenever I get inspired I write my idea on my phone. Some people think I write a lot of textmessages but the truth is that most of the time I typed something on my phone it was either to google something I was interested in or to write down a poem on my phone. Writing became a 247 process that I couldn't live or study without.

I felt shy when people borrowed my notes at times because I wasn't sure if my handwriting was pretty enough. Suddenly many people around me complimented it and I realised I now had a unique and soft handwriting I once dreamed of. I had been writing so much that it had gotten better over the years. But one schooltrip to France brought up my unlimited love for writing once again. The words came to me one by one as I was walking by the Seine and that summer I wrote my first draft to my first ever novel (hasn't been published yet, isn't quite done yet).

Not only had I improved my handwriting, I had also improved my writing speed which I noticed during the marticulation exam in one of my favorite subjects philosophy, I wrote over 40 pages in 6 hours. Believe me or not but I did it and that is the only special talent I have, so I'm proud of it.

What I want for Christmas isn't a perfect relationship or expensive gifts. I want to find plenty of new writing ideas under the Christmas tree and maybe also a trainticket to this exact moment, because I always tend to think about the past and the future instead of the present.


Have a great week!


/Rebecka

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this is me, a picture of someone who is an INFP, ignore the text this is a SC about being nerdy

So, recently I've been pretty interested in the Myers-Briggs test. I've done the test many times but I've never really researched about my personality type until now ofc. I came to the conclusion that even though I'm not sure if everyone fits perfectly into one of the 16 personality types I feel a real connection towards mine and it describes... well pretty much everything in my life ever. Which is why I decided that it would be fun to describe what it feels to be a quiet explorer like me. So here it goes my version of "signs you're an INFP".

Reading the same book the 10th time and/or rewatching movies and tv-series

Everyone does this no matter which personality type they have but we INFP's do it for a specific reason; we have a special emotional connection with some characters and somewhere deep inside I still hope that Gatsby wouldn't die and that he would finally live his dream life with Daisy but then again that would ruin the story which is exactly why I read it all over again and create new endings to it inside my head. And who doesn't smell the snow like Lorelai Gilmore and who didn't fall in love with Neal from Freaks and Geeks or watch X-files because Mulder and Scully? I don't know but I did all of these things and I still do them occasionally.

The "my plant has a name and so does my notebook"

There is this odd thing with INFP's and objects because we honestly treat them like living things, it sounds so creepy but it's actually kinda cute. I call my fridge Mrs. Empty cause it's cute and girly but often empty. But when you have to pick which pen to write with so that you don't write with the same pen and hurt the other pencils feelings, well then it feels creepy and annoying ... and I go "wait, why am I even doing this, am I that lonely?!!"

Getting random ideas but still planning how and when to do them for ages

This is something I experience a few times a week. It often starts right in the morning with a thought like "I should get fancy breakfast today" or even "I should dress up in only patterns today". After a while it feels like the best idea ever and then all of a sudden you can't decide wheter or not you should actually do it and eventually you'll end up crying on the floor because you can't decide.

Living inside your head

As introverts INFP's have a rich and complicated inner life and they tend to think about everything in a way more optimistic and romantic way than life actually is. I've often found myself thinking it was a bad day but my thoughts saved me from it.Ozzy Osbourne understands this and all of us dreamers now connect even if we dream our lives away.

I understand is your motto

Me and my friends discuss, what do I say "I understand". because I do, end of story.

The sudden nerd moments

We find a new subject to research pretty much all the time and after that no stone is left unturned. Every single little article that exists about that subject is read and every YouTube video and documentary is seen until Trivial Pursuit is yet again won buy an INFP. Also writing tests, man I love it...

Organized to be unorganized

INFP's are on top of their shit even if we live in a creative mess all the time, somehow we still manage to be at the right place in the right time without going through our emails every hour.

When philosophy strikes

There the INFP sits stairing at a lamp when you try to connect with them and next thing you know a deep facebook status will be posted and maybe also a picture of their lamp that made them think of the sun which made them think of life on earth which made them think of Michael Jackson which made them think of their lives because they too live on earth and listen to MJ. Poor friends of INFP's try to stay strong, soon they will start to laugh at their own bad jokes...

Travel mode

Depends on the INFP but when travel mode comes their either already on the plane, exploring their local park because their wallet really didn't feel like traveling that day or planning the next possible trip.

The "I don't even know how I look"

There you stand all dressed up and ready to go and your INFP friend isn't wearing casual plus because they were too busy thinking about that lamp. Then the next time you guys are going out their wearing everything fancy they've ever owned even if it is a casual chill out at a friends place. The no make up look is also popular among these I don't care about my looks but if I want to it shows type of people.

This is the end of a written selfroast, hope you've had a great day so far!

/Rebecka

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Monday: Had a meeting via Skype and did some school work at home. Mainly felt excited for the upcoming US presidential election 2016. Coffee and sleep, a loot of both.

Tuesday: Election day!!! Stayed up all night with the help of coffee and pizza.

Wednesday: Went to school having slept 0 hours but it felt okay. Rest of the day: crying over Trump and liking every Clinton related post on social media.

Thursday: A little party never killed nobody. And in the middle of the night it started snowing and I loved that feeling.

Friday: I visited one of my bestfriends and we had a great time together enjoying beer & pizza, listening to some excellent music and enjoying each others company.

Saturday: Me and my friend had yet another great day of window shopping, taking artsy pictures and eating sushi.

Sunday: Taking it easy at my friends place. Discussions about meditation, paranomal phenomenon and past life regressions.



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Sometimes you do something different compared to your usual everyday routine and you suddenly realise that you can spend your time in many different ways. My realistic morning routine would usually be hitting the snooze button a few times, barely being able to get up from bed (I've never had a bed as comfortable as this one, funny because this is my "study apartment" even my bed back home isn't this comfy, okay enough said about my bed) then I'll have some breakfast nothing special and of course coffee or tea and then somehow someway I cheer up and start to feel more energetic as a new day is about to start. This morning however seemed very different from other mornings, right in the very start of it as I woke up.

November 1st. Should I feel more christmassy now? Funny thing, I felt more christmassy during the entire October than on this morning. Instead of listening to the new Xmas playlist of mine I felt like listening to Coldplay instead and the soundtrack to "The Great Gatsby". And I woke up earlier than I needed to. I could actually enjoy my coffee in peace and admire the great weather outside this already seemed like pure everyday luxury to me. But then the magic happened; I decided to take a morning walk,me out of all people?! The crispy weather felt refreshing and I didn't have the need to rush to get to a lecture in time. I walked and walked and walked and thought about what all great things that were to come this upcoming month and I promised my self not to think of anything that could potentially stress me out. Walking turned out to be a relaxing activity form that suited me well.

The sky looked pretty grey but it still looked beautiful in my eyes because I was enjoying the moment to it's fullest. It probably sounds weird to read me describe one single moment in life that might not sound particulary exciting but the truth is that I experienced such an overwhelming feeling of happiness that I was shocked. It basically felt like Thanksgiving if I were to describe it. Suddenly I felt thankful for everything. Thankful for being healthy, being able to study, having amazing and supporting friends, a loving family and first and foremost thankful for experiencing a moment like this.

Now, some may say that this feeling was caused by the coffee I had because coffee often gives you that feeling of good energy filling your entire body in just a few minutes time. But it could not possibly be the coffee because I drink it almost every single day, it isn't a special treat, which I'm also thankful for by the way.

November had a great start although it's only starting so we must be realistic and not set our hopes too high, although I feel that daydreaming is one of the best ways to relax during the month of November which usually tends to be quite a hectic month filled with plenty of exciting stuff to do. I wish you all a great month of November and hope you'll have time to relax even though you've might got a lot to do. But now I probably should be going because I'm sitting in the most comfortable chair ever writing this when I really should be doing something else.

Hello November, be a good one!

/Rebecka





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I live in an apartment, it has got a door like apartments have and in order to open up my door you need a key. If I would know you very well and we've had at least a few very deep conversations and memorable moments together I might give you the other key to my apartment. You see there are two keys, on for me and one for someone special that I haven't got to know yet. The way to my heart is exactly the same. My heart is a door to which only one person has the key.

The keyperson to my heart has to be someone whom I share my whole life and inner world with. We do not need to feel the same way about everything or have the same interests. We could sort of complete each other or be complete opposites because sometimes opposites do attract. But what I wish for is to hear what that person feels when reading books or looking at a piece of art or a political debate. And most importantly I want to know about that persons life and be a part of it because life is something of great value and everyone of us experience it in very different ways.

Remember when you were little and you had a crush on your bestfriend because he or she knew all about you and you knew all about them. You grew to love the way they looked because you had fallen in love with their inner world first. When your parent read you a bedtime story about a princess and a prince you imagined yourself and your crush and as the prince and princess and you kissed in the end of the story and you lived happily ever after. That happily ever after never seemed important as a kid, you only wished for a kiss or maybe a hug and when sexual education and dating in general started to happen all around me it felt odd. I still only wanted that kiss and I only wanted it from that one friend of mine whom I had known for many years.

I understood why other people wanted to date someone based on their looks, later in life I understood why people wanted to have one night stands. But I couldn't imagine doing these things myself. Many times I felt pressured to be more sexual than I really wanted not by anyone else but by myself and society. I felt pressured to date even if deep down I really did not feel like it. My friends had many crushes and I felt happy for them. When I had a crush it lasted way too long and I got way too emotional about it. My crushes were people I admired. They were great public speakers, kind leaders or amazing musicians that I sometimes worked together with. I wanted to know everything about them so that they wouldn't feel like strangers anymore. When someone asked me if I had a type I answered: nerd. But I really fell in love with people because of their intelligence and their passion towards something not their looks and as I got to know them, their personality and looks appeared to me togheter as a whole. But it never started with the glasses or the books it always started as an interest towards what they had inside their mind that I did not know about yet. I liked them for who they were as people.

When I grew up in an art school I learned how visually beautiful the facial features and human bodies are. I never felt embarrased to make a sketch when that guy in class who my friends thought were hot was our model. I thought he was a arrogant person but he still had beautiful features. Don't you just love the way he looks? They whispered. Yes I answered. Then why aren't you all crazy about him? Because I'm not attracted to him. Why? I don't like the way he treats other people.Oh, who is your crush then? And this is part were I invented a crush in order to concentrate on my drawing and this happened to me often, very often in fact when I was growing up.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I do but not as in I see someone good looking and they just happen to smile my way but as in I have the honor to meet someone who treats others kindly as I walk past them and in that moment they look attractive to me. But I guess I could say that I believe in love on third sight. One:you notice someone with a great personality. Two: You get to know the person with a great personality. Three you feel attracted to the person with a great personality on both a emotional and a physical level.

I've found similarities in myself and the fictional character Jay Gatsby. The way Gatsby descibes the love of his life; Daisy is beyond beautiful. He does not only describe her outer beauty but he has created a own world for them both to live in, he has a vision about Daisy and himself. Almost as if Gatsby thinks that Daisy is a certain type of person. This has happened to me quite often. I imagine what people could be like even if they aren't like that in reality. I also tend to fall in love with a persons potential.

I sit in my apartment and one day someone who understands me and respects me like I understand and respect them opens the door. We sit and wonder what life will bring. But it's okay cause I know you well, I know all about you, everything as a matter of fact. Dear future keyholder to my heart please know that I love you for who you are, I identify as a demisexual.

/Rebecka


1,2,3, I believe in love at third sight, can you see it in my eyes?

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Hello October!

Normally, I do not write about the small things in everyday life that makes life so much more worth living. Because really in the end it is the small things that matter and this October has somehow brought me a lot of small things that make me smile. As the autumn leaves fill my path I can come home and surround myself with these things and I immediately feel calm.

Music: Lately I've been listening a lot to John Denver. My favorite Denver song is the classic "Annie's song". There something incredible within that song because it always makes me want to write my novel. There is nothing better than being able to light a candle, have a cup of tea, listen to Annie's song and correct my own errors. My morning song at the moment is "Million reasons" by Lady Gaga it prepares me for the upcoming day. If I'm walking around observing the colors of autumn I'll play an old favorite of mine; "Somewhere only we know" by Keane.

Movies: I'm a big fan of romantic movies and there is no better time than during the autumn to make yourself cosy on a weekend night watching some beautiful tales of love. Love actually, No strings attached and The Wedding Planer are among my favorites.

Coffee: When it comes to coffee during this season I'm pretty basic. I really really like PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte). Something a bit different might be that every autumn I magically start to change my coffee drinking habbits and start to drink more tea instead.

Moomin: There is this beautiful scene in one of the cartoon episodes where Snufkin leaves the Moominvalley before winter arrives since he has wanderlust in his veins and I have to watch it on repeat because I'm just like that. Every winter I get a need to travel somewhere, not that I wouldn't like winter and snow it's just something I'm used to escaping from. There is always a good reason to celebrate and to travel, at least in my opinion.

Dark purple nail polish: I'm a black chipped nail polish kind of person but this time of the year I feel like wearing something more colorful to match my environment that is currently filled with purple. Also I've somehow managed to fall in love with different shades of purple. Fifty shades of purple (I know that you were thinking about it so I had to include it here).

These are some of the things I fancy before Halloween and Christmas spirit kicks in, hope you enjoyed reading about them!

/Rebecka


It seems to me that we are currently floating upon a sea of dreams.

​Cold and grey, I really don't know what I should say.

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Lizzie wakes up at 7am.

She's just like you and me.

Has some awesome friends, thinks that both school and work is fine and she has her hobbies that she's very passionate about.

But Lizzie also has a friend, someone nobody would really want to hangout with but she doesn't know how to end a friendship that isn't going to work.

Every morning she receives a text that goes something like this: "

Good morning! Or is it even a good morning? I bet it's all a start to a bad day. And do you remember that time a few years ago when you had the most embarrasing experience ever and that day...well it started just like this one".

As Lizzie approches the bathroom her phone beeps again. -What now she mumbles to herself. "Hey you, yeah you, Lizzie. Look at what you see in the mirror. A complete failure. Maybe you should put some more makeup on to hide all your ugly truths am I right? What are you standing there for? You'll be late you lazy ass, continue on with your morning routine, like please focus.

As Lizzie's schoolday is about to begin she meets her friends outside of the classroom. -Hi Liz, how are you today?

-Uhmm.. I'm fine. Lizzie picks up her phone from her pocket as she can hear it beep once more. "Biggest lie ever. You're totally not fine. You're one big problem alltogether". Lizzie feels like withdrawing herself from reality as the lecture is about to begin. Lizzie has to sit infront of her crush, there is no other available desks. Her phone beeps once more. "You have no chance on her whatsoever. She will think you are a looser after this lesson because you will probably answer wrong to all of the questions the teacher asks, I mean this is math and math has never been at it will never be your subject".

What would you do if you had a friend like Lizzie's who treats her so badly by texting her terrible comments all throughout the day? Would you delete the friends number or tell her that she should stop being so mean and respect her friends instead? What if I told you that this is the reality of many people, Lizzie is not alone to experience something like this. And what if I also told you that Lizzie could never unfriend this person because she would be with her til the day she dies? You see Lizzie hasn't got any mean friends except herself. Lizzie speaks to herself like nobody wants to be spoken too. Her negative thoughts about herself guide her through her day like textmessages, constant reminders of her thinking patterns.

Don't be your own worst enemy. The first person you encounter when you wake up is you and the last person you'll see before you go to bed at night is yourself. Why not be loving towards someone who will always be there no matter what, who fights back and stands tall in every storm and who still manage to rise and recover when the world has brought you to your knees. Be your own bestfriend.


Lizzie is a fictional charachter used to describe how bad some of us treat ourselves.


/Rebecka


​We all need a special place.

A place to think and wonder, a place for only yourself.

When you feel down you can come to this place and feel as everything will be okay , the place itself has a calming effect on you. When I say place I do not mean home. Home sweet home, of course but this places should be outside, maybe a swingset at your local park, a rooftop or maybe a big rock to sit on like a philosopher in the forest nearby. This is a picture of my current "place". Nothing makes me feel more relaxed after a long day than sitting here watching the sea.

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I've always loved airports. Sometimes I've just been there to pick someone up or just to look at all of the airplanes flying towards different destinations. I've always been tired staring at the list of all the departures. It is early in the morning and I can see it all, each and every opportunity. I buy a book or two and enjoy my juice when all of adults are drinking coffee I guess it makes them feel better. Somehow they all feel like smiling after a cup of coffee. The entire aiport is decorated in Christmas lights and as the plane lifts above a winter wonderland I've never felt more alive.

Everything feels better in the skies. The pillowy bright white clouds make you think of all of those good old times and during take off your favorite song from 4 years ago suddenly comes into your head from nowhere. Each line in your book seems like poetry and the fact that humankind has the possiblity to fly makes you smile. I don't have a car and I eat mostly vegetarian food and I recycle so I'll plant trees after each trip of mine. Just think of it, there would be no trips without a planet earth we take good care off. That's why I still wear that 80's WWF parka jacket that used to belong to my father.

I can see the mountains from up above and soon I'll see them from down below. That always seems to amaze me, even if I already know the facts. I'm not a kid anymore yet everytime I travel I feel like one, I feel so free, completely out of reach from everyday sadness and sorrow.

People haven't seen each other in a very long time, they hug each other because even if they've found out something new about themselves during their trip, deep down their all the same as when they left and they've missed all and everyone they left behind. And then there is this one more reason to travel, coming home feels like the best hug you've ever had. No more naps on airport benches, in metros and busses or your hotel room bed just your good old navy blue couch and your very own bed with your favorite two pillows.

I had to take every item with me and everyone laughed. All they saw where way too many items but each item was of great value to me. I thought to myself: why should you travel if you can't bring everything that's a part of you with you as you went? Buying souvenirs wasn't the most important thing, it was the experience that really mattered. Ones I left a great friend behind, someone who meant very much to me, we made plans together every day during that trip. We sat in the same plane home, watched "The Polar Express" and as we landed it was all cold again. In Portugal the evenings where chilly but the sun seemed to shine there every single day except when it rained but when it rained it rained happiness all over us and I thanked God for having such a perfect life.

The car radio was turned on and Britney Spears sang me to sleep. Slowly the car moved it's way back home on icy roads. Soon it would be New Years eve, there was still some chocolates left to enjoy in the back of the car. It would be cosy to stay in and watch the firework outside. There would be so much to talk about when school would start again in January and that would be next year. I wonder where the road takes me then.


/Rebecka





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I live on the other side of the tracks,

Enjoy my coffee,

Lay back,

Stare at the walls,

Get a lot of flashbacks,

Think through my life in the shower,

Listening to music every waking hour

Sit and read my homework on the floor,

Walk home 4 in the morning and wake up at 7

I don't drive I walk,

I do not always cry, I talk

And each day I find some more reasons to smile.

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