I live in an apartment, it has got a door like apartments have and in order to open up my door you need a key. If I would know you very well and we've had at least a few very deep conversations and memorable moments together I might give you the other key to my apartment. You see there are two keys, on for me and one for someone special that I haven't got to know yet. The way to my heart is exactly the same. My heart is a door to which only one person has the key.

The keyperson to my heart has to be someone whom I share my whole life and inner world with. We do not need to feel the same way about everything or have the same interests. We could sort of complete each other or be complete opposites because sometimes opposites do attract. But what I wish for is to hear what that person feels when reading books or looking at a piece of art or a political debate. And most importantly I want to know about that persons life and be a part of it because life is something of great value and everyone of us experience it in very different ways.

Remember when you were little and you had a crush on your bestfriend because he or she knew all about you and you knew all about them. You grew to love the way they looked because you had fallen in love with their inner world first. When your parent read you a bedtime story about a princess and a prince you imagined yourself and your crush and as the prince and princess and you kissed in the end of the story and you lived happily ever after. That happily ever after never seemed important as a kid, you only wished for a kiss or maybe a hug and when sexual education and dating in general started to happen all around me it felt odd. I still only wanted that kiss and I only wanted it from that one friend of mine whom I had known for many years.

I understood why other people wanted to date someone based on their looks, later in life I understood why people wanted to have one night stands. But I couldn't imagine doing these things myself. Many times I felt pressured to be more sexual than I really wanted not by anyone else but by myself and society. I felt pressured to date even if deep down I really did not feel like it. My friends had many crushes and I felt happy for them. When I had a crush it lasted way too long and I got way too emotional about it. My crushes were people I admired. They were great public speakers, kind leaders or amazing musicians that I sometimes worked together with. I wanted to know everything about them so that they wouldn't feel like strangers anymore. When someone asked me if I had a type I answered: nerd. But I really fell in love with people because of their intelligence and their passion towards something not their looks and as I got to know them, their personality and looks appeared to me togheter as a whole. But it never started with the glasses or the books it always started as an interest towards what they had inside their mind that I did not know about yet. I liked them for who they were as people.

When I grew up in an art school I learned how visually beautiful the facial features and human bodies are. I never felt embarrased to make a sketch when that guy in class who my friends thought were hot was our model. I thought he was a arrogant person but he still had beautiful features. Don't you just love the way he looks? They whispered. Yes I answered. Then why aren't you all crazy about him? Because I'm not attracted to him. Why? I don't like the way he treats other people.Oh, who is your crush then? And this is part were I invented a crush in order to concentrate on my drawing and this happened to me often, very often in fact when I was growing up.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I do but not as in I see someone good looking and they just happen to smile my way but as in I have the honor to meet someone who treats others kindly as I walk past them and in that moment they look attractive to me. But I guess I could say that I believe in love on third sight. One:you notice someone with a great personality. Two: You get to know the person with a great personality. Three you feel attracted to the person with a great personality on both a emotional and a physical level.

I've found similarities in myself and the fictional character Jay Gatsby. The way Gatsby descibes the love of his life; Daisy is beyond beautiful. He does not only describe her outer beauty but he has created a own world for them both to live in, he has a vision about Daisy and himself. Almost as if Gatsby thinks that Daisy is a certain type of person. This has happened to me quite often. I imagine what people could be like even if they aren't like that in reality. I also tend to fall in love with a persons potential.

I sit in my apartment and one day someone who understands me and respects me like I understand and respect them opens the door. We sit and wonder what life will bring. But it's okay cause I know you well, I know all about you, everything as a matter of fact. Dear future keyholder to my heart please know that I love you for who you are, I identify as a demisexual.


1,2,3, I believe in love at third sight, can you see it in my eyes?

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Hello October!

Normally, I do not write about the small things in everyday life that makes life so much more worth living. Because really in the end it is the small things that matter and this October has somehow brought me a lot of small things that make me smile. As the autumn leaves fill my path I can come home and surround myself with these things and I immediately feel calm.

Music: Lately I've been listening a lot to John Denver. My favorite Denver song is the classic "Annie's song". There something incredible within that song because it always makes me want to write my novel. There is nothing better than being able to light a candle, have a cup of tea, listen to Annie's song and correct my own errors. My morning song at the moment is "Million reasons" by Lady Gaga it prepares me for the upcoming day. If I'm walking around observing the colors of autumn I'll play an old favorite of mine; "Somewhere only we know" by Keane.

Movies: I'm a big fan of romantic movies and there is no better time than during the autumn to make yourself cosy on a weekend night watching some beautiful tales of love. Love actually, No strings attached and The Wedding Planer are among my favorites.

Coffee: When it comes to coffee during this season I'm pretty basic. I really really like PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte). Something a bit different might be that every autumn I magically start to change my coffee drinking habbits and start to drink more tea instead.

Moomin: There is this beautiful scene in one of the cartoon episodes where Snufkin leaves the Moominvalley before winter arrives since he has wanderlust in his veins and I have to watch it on repeat because I'm just like that. Every winter I get a need to travel somewhere, not that I wouldn't like winter and snow it's just something I'm used to escaping from. There is always a good reason to celebrate and to travel, at least in my opinion.

Dark purple nail polish: I'm a black chipped nail polish kind of person but this time of the year I feel like wearing something more colorful to match my environment that is currently filled with purple. Also I've somehow managed to fall in love with different shades of purple. Fifty shades of purple (I know that you were thinking about it so I had to include it here).

These are some of the things I fancy before Halloween and Christmas spirit kicks in, hope you enjoyed reading about them!


It seems to me that we are currently floating upon a sea of dreams.

​Cold and grey, I really don't know what I should say.



Lizzie wakes up at 7am.

She's just like you and me.

Has some awesome friends, thinks that both school and work is fine and she has her hobbies that she's very passionate about.

But Lizzie also has a friend, someone nobody would really want to hangout with but she doesn't know how to end a friendship that isn't going to work.

Every morning she receives a text that goes something like this: "

Good morning! Or is it even a good morning? I bet it's all a start to a bad day. And do you remember that time a few years ago when you had the most embarrasing experience ever and that day...well it started just like this one".

As Lizzie approches the bathroom her phone beeps again. -What now she mumbles to herself. "Hey you, yeah you, Lizzie. Look at what you see in the mirror. A complete failure. Maybe you should put some more makeup on to hide all your ugly truths am I right? What are you standing there for? You'll be late you lazy ass, continue on with your morning routine, like please focus.

As Lizzie's schoolday is about to begin she meets her friends outside of the classroom. -Hi Liz, how are you today?

-Uhmm.. I'm fine. Lizzie picks up her phone from her pocket as she can hear it beep once more. "Biggest lie ever. You're totally not fine. You're one big problem alltogether". Lizzie feels like withdrawing herself from reality as the lecture is about to begin. Lizzie has to sit infront of her crush, there is no other available desks. Her phone beeps once more. "You have no chance on her whatsoever. She will think you are a looser after this lesson because you will probably answer wrong to all of the questions the teacher asks, I mean this is math and math has never been at it will never be your subject".

What would you do if you had a friend like Lizzie's who treats her so badly by texting her terrible comments all throughout the day? Would you delete the friends number or tell her that she should stop being so mean and respect her friends instead? What if I told you that this is the reality of many people, Lizzie is not alone to experience something like this. And what if I also told you that Lizzie could never unfriend this person because she would be with her til the day she dies? You see Lizzie hasn't got any mean friends except herself. Lizzie speaks to herself like nobody wants to be spoken too. Her negative thoughts about herself guide her through her day like textmessages, constant reminders of her thinking patterns.

Don't be your own worst enemy. The first person you encounter when you wake up is you and the last person you'll see before you go to bed at night is yourself. Why not be loving towards someone who will always be there no matter what, who fights back and stands tall in every storm and who still manage to rise and recover when the world has brought you to your knees. Be your own bestfriend.

Lizzie is a fictional charachter used to describe how bad some of us treat ourselves.


​We all need a special place.

A place to think and wonder, a place for only yourself.

When you feel down you can come to this place and feel as everything will be okay , the place itself has a calming effect on you. When I say place I do not mean home. Home sweet home, of course but this places should be outside, maybe a swingset at your local park, a rooftop or maybe a big rock to sit on like a philosopher in the forest nearby. This is a picture of my current "place". Nothing makes me feel more relaxed after a long day than sitting here watching the sea.



I've always loved airports. Sometimes I've just been there to pick someone up or just to look at all of the airplanes flying towards different destinations. I've always been tired staring at the list of all the departures. It is early in the morning and I can see it all, each and every opportunity. I buy a book or two and enjoy my juice when all of adults are drinking coffee I guess it makes them feel better. Somehow they all feel like smiling after a cup of coffee. The entire aiport is decorated in Christmas lights and as the plane lifts above a winter wonderland I've never felt more alive.

Everything feels better in the skies. The pillowy bright white clouds make you think of all of those good old times and during take off your favorite song from 4 years ago suddenly comes into your head from nowhere. Each line in your book seems like poetry and the fact that humankind has the possiblity to fly makes you smile. I don't have a car and I eat mostly vegetarian food and I recycle so I'll plant trees after each trip of mine. Just think of it, there would be no trips without a planet earth we take good care off. That's why I still wear that 80's WWF parka jacket that used to belong to my father.

I can see the mountains from up above and soon I'll see them from down below. That always seems to amaze me, even if I already know the facts. I'm not a kid anymore yet everytime I travel I feel like one, I feel so free, completely out of reach from everyday sadness and sorrow.

People haven't seen each other in a very long time, they hug each other because even if they've found out something new about themselves during their trip, deep down their all the same as when they left and they've missed all and everyone they left behind. And then there is this one more reason to travel, coming home feels like the best hug you've ever had. No more naps on airport benches, in metros and busses or your hotel room bed just your good old navy blue couch and your very own bed with your favorite two pillows.

I had to take every item with me and everyone laughed. All they saw where way too many items but each item was of great value to me. I thought to myself: why should you travel if you can't bring everything that's a part of you with you as you went? Buying souvenirs wasn't the most important thing, it was the experience that really mattered. Ones I left a great friend behind, someone who meant very much to me, we made plans together every day during that trip. We sat in the same plane home, watched "The Polar Express" and as we landed it was all cold again. In Portugal the evenings where chilly but the sun seemed to shine there every single day except when it rained but when it rained it rained happiness all over us and I thanked God for having such a perfect life.

The car radio was turned on and Britney Spears sang me to sleep. Slowly the car moved it's way back home on icy roads. Soon it would be New Years eve, there was still some chocolates left to enjoy in the back of the car. It would be cosy to stay in and watch the firework outside. There would be so much to talk about when school would start again in January and that would be next year. I wonder where the road takes me then.




I live on the other side of the tracks,

Enjoy my coffee,

Lay back,

Stare at the walls,

Get a lot of flashbacks,

Think through my life in the shower,

Listening to music every waking hour

Sit and read my homework on the floor,

Walk home 4 in the morning and wake up at 7

I don't drive I walk,

I do not always cry, I talk

And each day I find some more reasons to smile.



Hi there!

Tomorrow I'll experience my first day of university and one week ago I moved. A lot in my life has changed but inside I'm still the same old me listening to "Unwritten" because that is exactly how I feel right now, opening up a new empty chapter in the book of my life. It's all so wonderfully exiting, I just love experiencing all of this, getting lost in my new home city, finding new beautiful places and meeting new inspiring people. I've basically looked like Dora the explorer this entire week. I've been taking way too many pictures, found a lot of parks where one can people watch, talk, relax and write and I of course never leave the house without my retro leather backpack.

What a beautiful friday I had

too many options...

Dora the explorer moment part 1

Dora the explorer moment part 2

no words needed but I still wanted to write something.

Notes I took while out and about:

"Dresses and coats in the sunshine, they all looked like politicians but with smiles on their faces"

"And it smelled like pancakes, freshly made pancakes"

"I spilled coffee all over my notebook but at least somebody laughed"

"I found it!! a perfect bench for all of my creative writing"



One of the best things (that thankfully happens to be free) in this world is the feeling when you walk between the bookshelves of your local library somehow it opens up all of ones senses. Suddenly you see words floating all around you and the scent of old and new books is mixed up in the air you breath. It's almost like you would be breathing in stories and as you exhale you blow out all of those stories. Basically that is how inspiration works. First, you get inspired by something which is the input and the output is that magical creation of yours.

Something truly beautiful happened a few days ago when I was about to meet a few cowriters in my local library. I saw someone who truly loved books. Now I don't want to sound creepy but I watched him from far, not like I would be a stalker or anything... There was something in the way he walked so calm and academic.  My favorite part about it all was when he touched each book as he walked by a row of books. To me it looked like he was trying to collect knowledge all the way from his fingertips up to his head and suddenly that James Blunt song "You're beautiful" plopped into my head ,playing on repeat as I continued my process to get into my writing mode. Sooner than I had imagined I already sat at a table in the childrens section writing down everything that came to my mind in that exact situation. Someone was reading a newspaper nearby and that gave me a cosy asmr tingling sensation if my nervous energy was building up. My social anxiety, as I had never met these cowriters of mine before.

Earlier that week I googled "am I shy or an introvert or something else". Soon I discovered that I was a victim of something called social anxiety (actually I already knew this and had talked to a psychologist about it , just needed some extra information). Now it wasn't as bad as it first seemed, you see I have something called specific social anxiety. Basically, this means that I'm afraid of other people's opinions in specific social situations. I started asking myself what those situations were and I wrote them down on a piece of paper; meetings, having a speech especially infront of people I know & asking and answering questions during class because I'm afraid that my questions seem stupid and that my answers would be incorrect, although I often know that this really isn't the case. Social anxiety is something my brain creates that is not based on real facts. People with social anxiety experience it because of these factors: having an oversensitive amygdala, genes, learing this type behaviour pattern from ones surroudings, experiencing a trauma that is related to a social situation. Now rememeber that the severe case of social anxiety also known as social phobia limits your everyday life a lot. Individuals who suffer from this kind of social phobia are afraid of most social situation and often become depressed and tend to withdraw themselves from everyday situations. Obiviously this does not apply to me but I can imagine what these individuals might be feeling and I give them all of my love and support,

Even though my physical symptoms had already started to kick in the meeting with my cowriters went pretty well and meeting other creatives made me really happy, almost euphoric. I thought to myself that it was fun to be part of a group in which everyone wrote, differently of course but we all understood each other because we all have to go through a creative process several times per month. I felt like and independent individual among other independent individuals rather than a memember of a group so by the time I got home it was time for some Kierkegaard. (noticed that I'm really in need of those university studies since I research a lot of things some of them very random).

As an individualist I constantly have this search of people who think the same way as I do. Personal growth is hugely important for me, so I decided to take a test that would show me which philosopher fits my ideas and thoughts the best and when I saw the result I wasn't surprised: Kierkegaard. In my opinion life seems to short for one person to save the entire world especially if this person doesn't know hers/his strengths and weaknesses but life is of that perfect length to find out our own true inner self and develop it to do something after many choices in life that the world could then need in order to become a better place. Also I had noticed that when in church I never think of myself as a memember of believers I see myself as an individual who seeks contact to God because I can feel it better in certain places just like in a church. I then turned YouTube on and watched the BBC documentary "Sea of faith" about Kierkegaard and felt how this soul connection was real. I read on and found myself lost in these beautiful quotes Kierkegaard once had written in his works:

"Don't forget to love yourself."

"Love is all, it gives all, and it takes all."

"Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays."

"Life has it's own hidden forces which you can only discover by living".

Those who know me well are going to laugh at that last one since when asked what I think that the meaning of life is I often answer: Living.

- The lifephilosopher signing off

Hello books, goodbye anxiety.



If I was a YouTuber I would probably have a lot of storytime type of videos uploaded on my channel, mainly cause I make mistakes and I don't want other people to make the same mistakes I did. Because my friend, I will now tell you the truth: Karma, is a bitch. There, enough said. Okay just kidding we haven't even started yet. But the other types of videos I most certainly would make are deep talk videos that would lean towards both psychology and philosophy and one subject I would discuss a lot is personalities.

For me it has always been important to know people with different types of personalities and I also think that we should take a deeper look on ourself. Instead of only looking at ourseleves through the mirror each morning we should also look inwards. Now it may not be easy, but it's definitely worth it. Do not expect to discover your entire self one fine morning but to discover who you are during a lifetime.

I've always had this weird thing about me that I see the true beauty in people when I meet them for the first time. In the idealistic world of mine I tend to put them on a pedestal way above myself. admiring them from far. And I maybe talk to these people ones or twice and after not seeing them for awhile there's suddenly a wall between me and them. I may try to say something but I might as well not because that wall seems so unpossible to break. This trait is one of my worst. It has done more harm than good. For example when I've had a crush on someone I've already created them into these perfect people standing on the other side of that wall and I've impossible to reach out for. Even though one word might have been able to break that wall. Until one fine morning I woke up and looked inwards and saw a possibility in this weakness of mine.

I couldn't climb to the other side of the wall all by myself. I had to have things and people on my side of the wall to support me. Many times I tried to break the wall all by myself or maybe dig myself a path in order to get to the other side. And that was low I can tell you. So slowly but gradually I collected books and the knowledge around me, made me stand up straight and the wall already seemed much smaller. Then I found some really incredrible and supportive friends who lifted my spirit and the wall became even smaller. I started to feel gratitude of what I already had and learned to accept the fact that I make misstakes but that it doesn't mean that I can never succeed. The wall in front of me came down a bit more and I could almost step on it and jump down to the other side of freedom if I wanted to. But there was still something stopping me from doing it. That wall I've been talking about is my selfconfidence.

And now let's get back to the topic of YouTube shall we? The only reason why I ain't there uploading my own videos anymore is because the recording process somehow makes me very nervous. There is that sense of forgetting all of what I wanted to say and I just go on talking about stuff that really doesn't matter. And well I like to pick my words carefully. And it seems to me that the only time I can speak up like a normal human being is through writing. I'm silly like that. Silly little me.


One fine morning.​



I saw my reflection in the mirror but it didn't look at all like what I saw inside of me. I turned on the radio on and yes like I hoped they played "Every teardrop is a waterfall" by Coldplay and I caught myself thinking how many times I only had that one tear in my eye, but how many feelings it included. Every single day I read some historical book or watched a documentary about The Romanovs, not that I would remember much about it. I took the buss to school, I wore my red Conversese one size too small and a pink watch I lost somewhere during PE. When I got home I sang Adele in the shower and thought to myself "tomorrow I'll raise my head during class". I had been reading all summer, I knew all the answers but I never seemed to know how to open my mouth and when I did, it came out all wrong. I was scared of other peoples judgement and I prefered to keep my circle small. Little did I know that I would become a totally different person when I grew up from those shadow years some call being a teenager. But like after every shadow there was a light waiting for me.

Yesterday I turned 19 and I cared about people but not what they thought of me. Last year I spent by being more childish than never before. I guess I was afraid to grow up because I missed those red converses of mine I ones had. But as I woke up the morning of my 19th birthday I finally understood that the artist had now received her palette.

When I was about 8 I took part in a art camp organized by the local art school. We had a task to combine nature with somekind of object and take a picture of it and then describe to the rest of the group what it meant. I headed of to the water because it looked dark and mystical and a new friend of mine followed after me, she was my partner in crime. Our object was a palette and I simply let it float on the waters in that lake. But it didn't float that well and slowly it started sinking. My friend looked at me and said "maybe some forgotten artist that lives under the sea will find it". We then laughed on and carried on with our lives until I listen to "Every teardrop is a waterfall" and realised that I had cried myself a lake and when I turned 19 I had found the palette, the thing I loved most in life which is telling stories.

It rained the day I turned 19, just like the day when the artist once lost the palette and no art work could be done. The same lake stared back at me as back then. But this time it's surface reflected all of what I've done both good and bad and it felt like home. It did no longer feel dark or mystical at all and the water actually felt pretty warm for the very first time. Maybe I had finally become what people refer to as an adult.

// the 19 year old rebel

It's the exact same world out there as when you were younger but what you're seeing depends on what you've been seeing in life so far.



Hope you're having an amazing day filled with new discoveries!

Some people (including myself) have wondered how I'm able to keep my cool and carry on in life when it knocks me down, because that's life, it knocks you down and you just have to keep rising up like a phoenix, the only way is forward. So what I then decided to do is to now share with you my ways to deal with those occasionally occuring bad days we all have and since we all attend the school of life these tips might be useful to some of you. So if your having a bad day then read this and maybe just maybe this will help you a little bit.

PS. Sometimes ones surroundings contribute to the making of blog posts. Earlier today when I was thinking about taking the pictures that are included in this blog post I went outside and thought of laying all of these objects down on the ground to create a unique down-to-earth feeling. It had just rained and the flowers in our garden had layed out a little ocean of beautiful pink pedals on the grass and there it was, a perfect background created by nature itself.

1. "Bad day- cards"

Now this is a method I invented in the beginning of June 2016 but yet it seems to work for me, at least better than most other things designed to cheer up ones mood a bit. The idea is that everytime I feel down I go to the store that is closest to me at that moment (be sure to choose a store that sells some sort of postcards) and I buy one postcard. Instead of sending it to a friend I'm keeping it myself. I choose a postcard that speaks to me at that exact moment. It may be something about the illustration, maybe a motivational quote or the colors of the card that make you want to buy it. Then I seek out for a quite place, maybe a park bench and I start to write about how I feel on the postcard I just bought, just a few lines because there isn't much space to write on and there doesn't have to be either.The idea behind it all, is to write to your future self and after a couple of years you can read through these cards and be amazed because by the time you read them out again you have probably already forgotten about what made you upset that one day. I store all my bad day- cards in a envelope that I call "the envelope of blue memories".

2 . The list of happy thoughts

Think of the happiest things
It's the same as having wings
Take the path that moonbeams make
If the moon is still awake
You'll see him wink his eye

You can fly
You can fly
You can fly

- From the Disney movie Peter Pan

The happy list is almost the same thing as journaling except it makes you appreciate even the littlest things in life and it takes less time. Each and every day, a good time might be early in the morning or before you go to sleep or however you like, you write down at least one good thing about your day or if you want you might want to write down one good thing that you did during that day, in this way you get that little ego boost when you need it the most. When you've written something like 100 "happy thoughts" you should put your list aside, put it on a special place or even carry it with you everywhere you go to remind you that there are in fact many things in your life to be happy about even if it doesn't always feel like that. Reading this list of yours when feeling down makes you smile, because you'll realise how lucky you are to wake up to enjoy yet another amazing sunrise, or maybe you met a new friend or maybe your crush finally smiled your way. Write down whatever makes you happy and never question your source of happiness however small it may seem it still makes you smile, right?

3. Good old journaling

Hello journal my old friend, I've come to talk with you again! Write and let go of what holds you back and the best part? Nobody has to see it, it's something that is only yours nothing to share on social media (which is why I only put a picture of the cover of my journal not the content). One thing that I like to do when journaling is having conversations that will never happen in real life or will but not now maybe later on in life. (jouska=hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head) Then thing I love the most about writing is the fact that it is like talking to yourself about yourself without being egoistic because in the end of the day you go to sleep with yourself and you wake up to spend yet another day with guess who, well yourself of course and trust me your beautiful because you are you, there is nobody exactly like you out there so embrace it!

Have a great beginning of July 2016 & have a wonderful 4th of July all of you who celebrate it!