The feeling is there again. The feeling you get when you feel that you are never good enough. The smallest of things is a big fight, a never ending war. I am trying, I am trying so hard and I am still not good enough for you. What more do you want me say, what more do you want me to do?
I am trying so hard to change myself according to what you like, what you need and all you do is yell and complain how irritated you are with me or how annoying I am. I am never good enough for anyone. It dosen't matter how much I try because it is never good enough!
Is this it? Is this life trying to push me mover the edge again after tons upon tons of failure?
You are fucking perfect to me dosen't exist in you world, everyone tries to but no one succeeds to live up to your impossible demands of a perfect human other than yourself.
I am really trying mom, I am trying so hard to be what you want me to be and sometimes I am fooled and believe that maybe I am good enough but then you remind me how un-perfect I am in your eyes and it hurts me.
This feeling hurts me into my bones. You're creating scars with that look of disappointment in your eyes. Am I never good enough for you? Aren't you supposed yo love your daughter no matter who or what she is...
You are the reason a three letter word is to hard for me to say. My own mother says a eight letter word without meaning it. It bothers me but what you do that is almost to much for me to bear is saying I love you only to get it back. You stopped loving a long time ago and it hurts me so much cause you won't get to feel love again. It pains me that you will never ever experience true love. You lost it and it's never coming back. You think you know what love is but you don't, you are incapable of love.
When we fight I hurt more than anyone could imagine. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, I want to stop the feeling, this feeling that consumes every part of me but to be able to do that I would have to leave.
I don't want to leave. Sometimes I wonder how much you would blame yourself if you knew how much you hurt me every day. Sometimes I wonder if you would be able to live with the guilt that your own daughter killed herself because of you.
Would you mom?
Do you see me now?
Can you feel the pain eating you until you can't breathe?
Is it clear to you yet?
Do you mom?