You know when you find a song and you just can't stop listening to it ...well today is a day like that for me. The powerful thing about this song is that my thoughts and memories I re-play day after day feels a little worse today and all I want to do is drink the pain away.












The feeling is there again. The feeling you get when you feel that you are never good enough. The smallest of things is a big fight, a never ending war. I am trying, I am trying so hard and I am still not good enough for you. What more do you want me say, what more do you want me to do?

I am trying so hard to change myself according to what you like, what you need and all you do is yell and complain how irritated you are with me or how annoying I am. I am never good enough for anyone. It dosen't matter how much I try because it is never good enough!

Is this it? Is this life trying to push me mover the edge again after tons upon tons of failure?

You are fucking perfect to me dosen't exist in you world, everyone tries to but no one succeeds to live up to your impossible demands of a perfect human other than yourself.

I am really trying mom, I am trying so hard to be what you want me to be and sometimes I am fooled and believe that maybe I am good enough but then you remind me how un-perfect I am in your eyes and it hurts me.

This feeling hurts me into my bones. You're creating scars with that look of disappointment in your eyes. Am I never good enough for you? Aren't you supposed yo love your daughter no matter who or what she is...

You are the reason a three letter word is to hard for me to say. My own mother says a eight letter word without meaning it. It bothers me but what you do that is almost to much for me to bear is saying I love you only to get it back. You stopped loving a long time ago and it hurts me so much cause you won't get to feel love again. It pains me that you will never ever experience true love. You lost it and it's never coming back. You think you know what love is but you don't, you are incapable of love.

When we fight I hurt more than anyone could imagine. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, I want to stop the feeling, this feeling that consumes every part of me but to be able to do that I would have to leave.

I don't want to leave. Sometimes I wonder how much you would blame yourself if you knew how much you hurt me every day. Sometimes I wonder if you would be able to live with the guilt that your own daughter killed herself because of you.

Would you mom?

Do you see me now?

Can you feel the pain eating you until you can't breathe?

Is it clear to you yet?

Do you mom?




I dreamed so pure

I dreamed so big

The dream fell apart and now I am lost in a storm with a dream that doesn't exist anymore.

The dream belongs to someone else now, someone who deserves it just as much as I do. I'm happy for this person because she is living my dream, MY DREAM... and now I am here so invisible​ and unimportant, just like one single lonely raindrop in a poring rain. Unimportant.

I dreamed so big

Now the dream is bigger than my reach

Hurts more than just a bruise

I am hurt. 

This was another dream that didn't come true



If you think about something in life you will see that it's not black and white, it's grey. Grey is a sad color but it can also be beautiful, and life is grey ..just like love is grey. Sometimes loving someone is the best feeling in the whole world and sometimes it could be one of the worst time of your life. Loving or be loved by someone is complicated. We talk about two individuals loving carefree and dangerously, no one knows how it ends.



Mirror mirror on the wall tell me who's the most perfect of them all. Tell me I am perfect just the way I am and try to make me understand why we always strive for the perfect life.

We humans are always trying to find some way to criticise ourselves. and why? you may ask yourself and the only answer isn't the one you wanna hear my friend.

People tell me from time to time how beautiful I look and that is itself a boost of self-confidence. But we always face that person who won't give you the attention you crave and then these boosts have been for nothing.

I need to ask you one thing.. do YOU want to be friends with a person who's always criticiseing you constantly for what you wear, what you eat, for who you are. e.t.c.
The answer to that my friend is NO!

So stop doing being that person yourself! stop being your worst enemy and start to love yourself. I am not saying it'll be easy but it'll be worth it in the end



Today is a good day, today is a fantastic day for me, I haven't felt this happy in a long long time.

My life is always a rollercoaster and right right now I am off it. I know it's only a period of short time until I get back on it but for now I'm going to fly; I'm gonna shine! I am going to shine brighter than the sun and then... just smile and take the courage to get back on the ride.

I have made some changes in my life, friends have become enemis and love ran straight into my life and knockt me out ❤

Haha who knew?




Becoming two individuals again 

Exploring a life you've forgotten

turning into a whole new person 

finding the pleasures in being alone at day and spending the night with someone else other than the woman you've shared your bed with for the longest time. 

for the first time in a long time feeling love and an unfamiliar body 

finding the joy in exploring something new. 

Someone new. 

A divorce isn't only bad, it could be something good for you but for you kids it's the end of the world. It the end of a lifetime with a man you've come to have shared a big part of  your life with togheter with the children. 

Maybe it's for the best

true love doesn't really excist



To describe myself i would say i am beautiful disaster. I am so filled up with emotions that I know that I'll burst trough someday.. and the countdown has started. I feel more alone than ever and I guess the blame is one me as always! Of course it's me.. it's always fucking me who's wrong, it's always something about me that she doesn't like and I have to change .. 

You want to know something...

it hurts....

it hurts down to the bones. 



First day of school and all I can think about is if I will be here next year. I want to travel the world but are to afriad to..
As I am sitting on the bus to school my life slowly falls into patterns again, wake up - go to school - go home - sleep and then repeat it all again. I want to brake this patterns but aren't brace enough.. the world is a scray place.