On the edge of giving up. On everything.
You know that feeling when you miss someone so much, that your body literally hurts? That's how I've been feeling for a long time now. I've been questioning myself a lot during this time. Not seeing the person you love for that long kind of screws with your mind. And sometimes, especially in doubt, you need something to remind you about that person. And I don't mean texting or pictures, I mean something that will remind your soul.
Today, I found just that.
I was packing some things for tomorrow, going on "vacation", and it will probably be kind of cold at times. So I went to the closet where I have my jackets. There it was. His jacket. He gave it to me last year, in London. Because it's been warm here I haven't even thought about that for a while. Before I new it I took it out and just hugged it. And that was when I found it. The feeling. The one thing that was a reminder, straight in to my soul. It still smells like him.
I closed my eyes and just kept smelling and hugging it, and it made me feel so safe. I've been struggling with things and life has not been easy for a while now, so this really helped me. Crying, for so many reasons. Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, joy and frustration all at once.
And in all of the mixed feelings there is one thing that is still certain. And that is that he is the love of my life. The strength I need in dark times. The joy in the good times. It's Him.
"I'll wait patiently, cause I'd love to have my heart broken by you. And I'd love to have my world torn in two"
The fire was burning out
My mind was filled with doubt
I long to feel alive
Don't know if I'll survive
But my hope was running low
You appeared out of nowhere
It was more than an illusion
More than I could ever know
Baby, it's magic the way you came around
You caught me before I hit the ground
There something was missing in my house of cards
And all that I needed was the king of my heart
It's magic the way you came around
Someone once told me, our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch. Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit? Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever. Sometimes you make choices in life, and sometimes choices make you.
Have you ever had that feeling, when you meet someone, that they are way too good for you? I have.
Have you ever felt like you will never be good enough? I have.
Have you ever missed someone so much your whole body literally hurts? I have.
Have you ever felt left out? I have.
Have you ever felt useless? I have.
Have you ever been so angry with someone that you just want to scream, but then can't find any words to say because your just happy to hear their voice? I have.
Have you ever been tired of fighting yourself? I have.
It's like a constant battle, and it's getting nowhere.
It's kind of funny how music and lyrics can make you think about someone. Like it just right. Everything. So the song "pillow talk" by Zayn, really makes me think about my love. So I'm going to put in the lyrics of the song I think describes it best.
"Climb on board
We'll go slow and high tempo
Light and dark, hold me hard and mellow
I'm seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure
Nobody but you, 'body but me
'Body but us, bodies together
I love to hold you close, tonight and always
I love to wake up next to you
So we'll piss off the neighbours
In the place that feels the tears
The place to lose your fears
Yeah, reckless behavior
A place that is so pure, so dirty and raw
In the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day
Fucking in and fighting on
It's our paradise and it's our war zone"
And like he said- I'm difficult and you're difficult. But together we are easy.
I get the feeling that something is wrong. I can't explain it. Life goes on and I feel stuck in between where I am and where I should be. I hate this feeling.
What bothers me most is that right now I don't know where you are. You always say that I can call you if I need you, but that's not what it feels like. What is going on? I have the exact same feeling I had before you showed up here and surprised me, but that's not happening this time. It's like we're back to square one.
Stay strong. You can do this, and it will be okay. I'm here for you always. No matter what, you and I are forever.
I love you. Don't forget that.
It doesn't matter how much you push me away, because I won't leave. When I say I love you, I mean it with such passion, with my heart and soul. I mean it with my whole existence.
I will fight for you no matter what.
Sometimes it feels like you're testing me, and I don't really understand why. You tell me you want us to get married in the future, just not now. That I should be with other people first. That is something I will never understand. First of all, that will never happen. Second of all, why would I waste my energy on something or someone that I don't want to be with? Why would I throw this away? Life is short, and I'm not going to waste my time. You are the only one for me, and I hope you will actually take that in and understand that. YOU are the person I want to go to bed with at night and wake up with in the morning. And I know that might not happen all the time, but as often as possible would be more than enough.
You say that you're not easy to get, and that it shouldn't be easy for me. But when has it ever been easy? And why do you want it to be difficult? What can I do to prove to you that I won't stop fighting for us?
We haven't seen each other in over 2 months, and I'm still so much in love with you it physically hurts. And we might not be together in the official way, but what we have is still special. You are special. And even if you make me so angry sometimes, you make me really really happy. I don't say that to you so often. But you do. You make me happy.
I've learned a lot of things during this time, and you are the reason for that. Even so far away, and missing you so much, I'm happy because you taught me how to love myself. I know more about who I am and what I'm capable of, and that I'm worth something.
You make me happy. I love you more than you could ever imagine. And I do wish to officially be with you in the future. And most of all, no matter what happens now, I will always be there for you.
Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is the big part of letting yourself be happy. It's not easy, but it is possible. Letting go of fear and ask yourself what it is that you want in life. What makes you happy? Who makes you happy? Are you making yourself happy? Are you letting yourself be happy?
Maybe it's time to ask yourself these questions to have a chance of happiness in the future. Not having any regrets about your life, fighting for what you want and need.
"Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here. The only thing that I can do, is what I can do today to make tomorrow different"
Life is always changing, and so are you. You might want different things now that you never did before. Things that are scary and new, not knowing if it can really happen. Dreams about a future with something, or someone. What's important is letting go of fears and letting yourself move forward into the unknown, but possibly beautiful, future. And yes, it can be scary. But it could also give you everything. Everything you never even knew existed. Everything that will make you into the happiest person on this planet.