I’ve always had an unhealthy obsession with being pretty. To be perfect.
When I grew up I constantly got teased for not being pretty enough and not having the cutest chlotes. Not even in my own home Iwas safe from the teasing and name calling. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t my parents nor my siblings that was the problem. It wasmy Steph mom. She constantly called me names and seemed to do everything to make me look down on myself. I’ve lost counton how many times she used to call me a disappointment, how ugly I was and how she felt embarrassed over the way I looked.Now you could imagine what that did to my confidence.
To live in the world that we live in today. In this society that we have created, with all these insane beauty standards that puts somuch pressure on billions of young girls, is not easy. It seems like no matter what you do to improve yourself. The distance youwill go to be perfect will never be enough. Because the truth is, no matter what you do there will always be someone who’s nothappy. Because the reality is that everyone likes different things and that’s what makes us human, being different.
So why can’t we be happy with our selves the way we are? Why is the society and social media still pressuring us to be perfect?Why am I still obsessed with being skinny?
Over the years I began to develop three things. Depression, anxiety and eating disorders. And sometimes even night terrors. The sad thing was that nobody noticed until I was 13. But that was only the depression and anxiety which I got helped with. Myeating disorders didn’t get discovered until I was 17. At the time I barley ate at all. I only ate one rise cake every third day to stayalive. I fainted constantly and a trip to the hospital was not far away but I didn’t care, because the sad part was that I actually waslosing weight.
It wasn’t until my mom broke down in front me that I had realized the pain I was causing her, she watched her owndaughter fade away right in front of her. So I started eating. Or we’ll I tried.To come back from an eating disorder is not the easiest. It takes time. It’s been almost 2 years and I still haven’t fully recovered. Ieat (even though it’s not as much as a normal 19 years old) I still eat at least one hot meal a day plus breakfast. Once again mymeals may not be the largest portions but at least I eat.
I’m not gonna lie. I still think about stop eating from times to times but luckily I never go through with it because of my mom andmy family, the people who loves me.
Today I work out at the gym in hope to become beautiful. The ideal body. Sadly my obsession hasn’t toned down and itsometimes drives me to the point where I work out until I feel like puking or passing out. I’ve been on the edge of passing out somany times while working out but for some reason I keep going. a normal day I almost faints at least five times before I stop my work out. Why? Because I want to be pretty.