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I've been thinking a lot about what I wanna do in my life so this morning I wrote down a few things, like a bucket list, that I really wanna achieve in life.

- Go to USA. This is something I've been wanting to do since I was a kid. Traveling is something that I love doing and going to America would be amazing. Me and my mom is actually planing a 3 week trip next year, so hopefully this will be checked of the list quite soon!

- Make my sleeve. Tattoos, all of the tattoos. I want to get so many more tattoos but the one that is on the top of the list is my sleeve. I'm not really sure yet what kind of sleeve I want, thinking Star Wars, so I might get a few small ones before the sleeve gets started but yeah, I really really want it!

- Being mentally health and stop being on anti depressives. This one is the most important one.. I have suffered from mental illness since I was 13, and in the last year or so, it's been getting worse. I hope that I can somewhat close in the future say that I'm mentally stable, and at least get of my medication.

- Being confident. I have always struggled with bad confidence, going from hating myself to accepting my body and back again, and I really wanna feel good about how I look. I know that confidence comes and goes, but I would at least want to accept my body, no matter what.

- Move away from home. I lived alone for 6 months and moving back home was a step back, but necessary for my mental health, but I now wants to start my own life and move to my own place.

- Publish a book. This has been my dream since I was a little kid. I love writing and one day, I really want other people to see that.

- Create a makeup collection. This is a reason edition on my bucket list. I really love makeup and what you can do with it, and one day I would like to create my own collection. I know this is kinda big, but I really am passionate about it, and hope that I one day can do it.

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Some New Stuff, Make-Up, Books, Movies and other fun stuff, Nerdy

I bought some new stuff during the last few months, so I thought I would share it with you guys!

Here are some new makeup. I bought some NYX makeup, and even tough I didn't love all of it, I do have some new favorite stuff. The eyeliner, both the black and white one are amazing! Highlighter from The Balm, some new nail polish from Isadora and Gina Tricot, real techniques brushes, but my favorite must be the Violet Voss palette! It's so beautiful with so many different colors, and even tough I bought it several months ago I still haven't tried all of the colors yet! I love it so much, and it was so worth the money!

I have also, of course, bought some clothes. This is not all, but it's some of my favorites! Everything on the left picture is from MadLady, which has become my new favorite store! The "If she fly, we fly" shirt is from Lisa Anckarman 's collection and I did want some of the other items as well but they all sold out so quick that "all" I got was the shirt but it's so pretty! I love it! The yellow popper pants, let just give them a moment! I didn't think that I would like them, but I saw Lisa wear them on her Instagram (or Instagram story, I'm not sure) and she looked bomb in them, and when I saw that the red ones were sold out, I got the yellow ones and OH-MY-GOD! I have not words! I want all of them now! They are so comfy, and a statement piece! I just wore a off the shoulders shirt with them and bom, the outfit was done! So pretty! Expect to see me a lot in these, because I'm gonna wear them as much as possible!
On the other picture we have a orange hoodie from the mens department at H&M, and I lived in this right after I bought it. I'm kinda sad that I can't match the pants with the hoodie, because I would not take that outfit off lol. Also in that picture is a sweater dress, or whatever it's called and a corset from BikBok. I couldn't resist! I've been trying to badly get a bolder style recently and I think that I'm on my way.

And it wouldn't be me if I didn't buy books. This is not all of them, but it's the ones I love the most. The mangas, Death Note and Attack On Titan, I've already read, because I couldn't resist and the rest I'm gonna read soon as well. The Ables are one that I've been wanting for so long, I'm so happy that I FINALLY have it in my bookshelf!

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So, I've been pretty busy, which is gonna be my excuse for not blogging. The fact that I don't really have any energy or inspiration to write has also been one but let's just stick to "I've been busy". I've been wanting to write about (my) anxiety and depression but I haven't found the words for it, also show you guys all of the things I've bought recently and write movie and book reviews but yeah, that hasn't really happened. As I said: I haven't really known what to write. My brain has been shutting of more and more recently and I can't even write in my diary anymore. I hate it. Writing, if it's here or just for myself, is something that I love to do, and when my mind just dosen't wanna work with me, I get frustrated. But I thought I would just update you guys on my last week or so, just to post something.

FOOOOOOOOD! What would Instagram and blogs be without food pictures? I've been eating out a little bit more the last few weeks, just to treat myself. I love going out to dinner with friends and family, having a beer and just talking. These two are from when me and Rebecka was at the mall and she really wanted Chinese food, and the other are from a Italian restaurant in my little town that me and my mom went to for the first time. Not the best food, but good service and amazing french fries!

I've been doing some shopping, as I wrote before. I've bought new makeup which I'm still playing around with, nail polish, books, clothes and sunglasses! I'm planing on doing an entire blogpost about my favorite things that I've got recently, so I'm not gonna talk about anymore here.

Lately, I've been really loving orange! I don't feel like I look that good in it, but I still can't stop buying everything that I can find in it. This big ass sweater is from the mens department at H&M, and I love it! It's so cosy and big, I bought in medium because one: that was the smalest size they had and two: I wanted it to be extra big.

I've also seen two movies: Spider-Man: Home Coming and The Hitmans Bodyguard. One was better than the other, I'm gonna let you guys guess which one. And I'm going to the gym again. I've been six times during the last week and it feels so good. I'm trying to have some control over my diet as well, not eating suger and all of that, and I'm actually feeling better. I'm tired, yes, but I feel better. And I also uploaded a new youtube video for the first time in a year, so if you wanna check that out, you can click right here!

And that is all I have for this post. As I said: I have a few post that I really wanna write, but right now, I have a little bit of an problem writing them down, so be patient.

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My face, Make-Up

I've been trying some new things recently and this white eyeliner from NYX has me dead, I love it! I've only used it twice but I already feel like it's gonna be a statement piece in my make-up collection. I also tried to do a Warrior Braid, and I think it turned out fine. I still need to work at it a bit more but I'm pretty happy how it turned out!

I'm finally finding my way back to make-up and fashion, which I'm so exited about. For the past few months I've been so lazy, and just kinda given up on myself and my creativity, but it feels like I'm back on track!

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Updates

I wrote a blogpost (my first blogpost in months) about a week ago, about a few of the "bad" things that been going on in my life, and why I've been away, but, I thought I would share the good parts as well! Because life isn't always bad, even if we (or at least I) have a tendency to see more of the bad than the good. All of the pictures are from my Instagram.

One of the best and biggest things that I've done is definitely going to the Coldplay concert in Gothenburg! It was incredible and even tough I'm not the biggest Coldplay fan ever I still enjoyed the show. I can't thank Jonathan enough for brining me. It was my first "big" concert and I'm now addicted! I can't wait to see Ed Sheeran next year! I've also watch one of my favorite Swedish rap bands, LBSB, and it was awesome! 

I've also spent a lot of time with friends and family! Everything from BBQ's, to going to Liseberg and having drinks after a long day at work. I can't believe I have so many amazing people in my life, and that they put up with me the way that they do! I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the few people that actually truly cares about me and I will spent the rest of my life thanking them for it. You guys saved my life.

As I said, I've enjoyed one or two drinks during the last few months. We (me and a few guy friends) got into a tradition of going to a bar in Gothenburg every Monday for a quiz and even tough we haven't been in a few weeks, I'm still exited to get back into it. I've been trying to spend more and more time with the people in my life instead of curling up in a ball and sleeping all day like I feel like doing.

I've alos been having some great meals with some great people. Everything from coffee with my mom to a date with a special boy. I'm trying to fix my eating habits and eating out might not be cheap, but it actually helps.

On top of that I feel like I'm getting stronger. I feel like I'm starting to stand on my own two feet and that I can actually take care of myself.

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Updates

I don't even know how to start this post ... A few months ago, or, actually, already in November last year, my life crashed. My depression and anxiety got worse, I didn't sleep, I stopped eating, I did nothing but work and didn't have the energy to hang out with people. I was moody and unhappy in every way possible ...

I got my heart broken. That's probably the bigest reason why I was feeling so shitty. In the end of last year the guy and I that I was seeing clashed, constantly. In one way or another we kept hurting each other, I became clingy the more he took steps back to figure his shit out and that just made him push me away even more. I know a big part why things fell apart is on me, but after a while I started noticing how he was acting differently and he started lying to me. I fell apart even more and he finally had enough so in the begging of April he cut the cord and told me he needed distance and maybe didn't want to be with me anymore. I was on the train home from work and broke down in the bathroom. I've never felt more pain in my life.

My mom got sick. My mom has for the longest time had problems with her stomach, and a few months ago she had to go to the emergency room. After many hours they found out that she had volvulus, which is basically when the intestines twists around itself and makes it impossible for her to keep any food down. She had surgery and was in the hospital for a little more than a week, but seeing her like that was horrible. I'm so incredibly grateful that it was something fixable and that everything went okay.

I stopped sleeping, and eating. With my depression and anxiety getting worse I stopped sleeping. I went from a solid six hours to four, to two and after a few months, nothing. I would sleep an hour, maybe two if I was lucky, a night for weeks, and on my day off from work I would do nothing but sleep. With this lack of sleep came the lack of appetite. I would eat once a day, with twenty four to thirty hours between meals, and I would get my "energy" from red bull, alcohol and chocolate, but after a while even that lost it's charm. I was constantly moody, and tired. I would complain and get anxiety attacks several times a week.

I worked my ass off. Thirteen day weeks isn't unusual for me, for twice a month is even too much for me. With the lack of energy on top of that I started hating work, and everything that came with it, but it was a safe place at the same time. At work I had to focus, I had my head high and I didn't have to think about the bullshit that was going in my life.

I almost ruined most of my friendships. I can be a kinda dumb person, I know this. I shut people out, I act out and give people shit when they don't deserve it, and I'm very lucky that I have the friends (and family) that I do, because I would not be here if it wasn't for them. But for a while I thought I was going to lose them. I wouldn't blame them for leaving, because for a while, I was a horrible friend, but they didn't, and I don't know how to say thank you enough to them.

I started self harming again. I became destructive, which is not unusual when it comes to me. Back in December I started smoking, and soon after the "not sleeping and eating" thing kicked in. I started drinking three, four times a week and when that stopped helping I started cutting again. Now, I'm not gonna talk too much about that, but it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done. Until March I had been free from that demon for four months, and I walked right back into his arms.

That's not all of the things that has happened during the last few months, but my point is: I'm getting better. I'm now on antidepressants and seeing a therapist every three weeks. I'm trying to stop smoking, and cutting, and trying to start being a better friend and eating more. I'm forgiving people, moving on and giving last chances.

I'm trying. I still have a long way to go, and I'm far from okay, but I'm trying.

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Moments

So, because of the fact that my life has been a little extra tough for the past few months, and a lot of negativity has been surrounding me and my mind, I thought I would share a few good moments and things from the past few months, just to shine some light on those!

- I got my second tattoo. Yes, in the beginning of February I got another tattoo. I got my parents birthdays in Roman numbers (or numerals I thing they are called as well) and I'm so happy about it. Not only because it's for my parents but because I've been wanting to do another tattoo for over 3 years, and I finally did it! It wasn't planed, I just really wanted to so something for me, without it being about or for anybody else.

- I've spent more time with people. Now, this might seem like a weird one, I know, but it's true. For a few months I didn't hang out with anyone, or really did anything when I was off from work or after my shift was done. I just went home, watched some youtube videos and went to bed. But, after everything, and all of the pain and confusion that's been the focus in my life for the past month I decided that I was done. I was just done being alone, and I wanted my life back, so I started doing stuff. Having lunches and dinners with people, going out to clubs and exploring the city I'm working in with an old friend.. Spending mornings and nights with people I've missed and love, and they are slowly helping me back on track.

- I've been feeling myself. For years, and years, my confidence been bad. I've always had some kind of self hatred against myself and that's not gone, not even close, but I'm getting better. I started going to the gym in November last year (when my life started going to shit) and even though I just went there once in a while I still felt good about it. Now, I've been hitting the gym 3 to 4 times a week (if life allows it) and I feel better than I have in years. I also started dressing more like I wanted, and experimenting with make-up, which is really fun!

- I didn't spend Valentin's Day alone. Now, I've never really cared for Valentin's Day. I've always just watched horror movies and stayed in bed all day, or went out with my girlfriends, but this year I wasn't actually alone. We didn't do anything special, or most people wouldn't think we did. We didn't go to a movie or a fancy dinner, or anything at all really. We just stayed in, watching youtube videos in bed, but I couldn't ask for more. I got to spend some real quality time with someone I really care for, and that's all I really wanted.

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Moments

"Can we talk?" I never really thought I would say those words. People only says that in movies and books, but here I was, nervous, and terrified while I watched and waited for his reaction. He stopped playing and looked at me, and oh god, I couldn't read him. What is he thinking? Is he just as afraid as I am? Is this the last time I'll ever see him ...? It felt like I was going insane in those few second before he spoke. "Okay". I took a deep breath and tried to find the words and sentences that I had constructed in my head, but nothing. I was lost, everything had sliped out of my mind, and the panic sat in as the seconds ticked by.
"I just ... I just wanted to know if it's you and me ..." The words were quiet, tears was threatening to fall and when I looked at him, he looked confused. I took the moment to look at him, really look at him. Take in his face and enjoy it for maybe the last time.
"It sounds like you're about to cry."
"That's because I'm afraid what you're gonna answer." I started crying. I didn't want to. I wanted to be strong, or at least seem strong, but I couldn't. Everything I had fought, all of my fears was now on the table, ready for the picking. How could I not cry? He didn't hesitate when he got up, and sat behind me, hugging me and kissing my wet cheek.
"It's you and me" he whisper in my ear, rocking me back and forth. I leaned against him, letting him take care of me, still crying. And the panic came in again. I had more I needed to say. It wasn't suppose to be that easy, it never is wit him. I tried to get out of his arms so I could look at him but he wouldn't let me, his arms becoming stronger around me.
"I need to tell you something else" I whimpered, shaking and worried. How was I suppose to say this when he held me like this? He didn't say anything, so I kept going. "You might panic, and if you do, that fine, I get it, and if you want me to leave, I'll leave, okay?" The words came fast, mixed with the tears that's still rolling down my face, almost not even hearable.
"Okay" was all he said, again, but he didn't move. I could feel his breathing becoming a little heavier. Maybe he's as nervous as I am ...? And before I could change my mind, I said it.
"I love you."

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