Yeah, I have a problem: I take things WAY too personal. I'm not sure if it has something to do with my anxiety or if it's "just me" but I have a tendency to think that everything is about me. And that's not in a "I need attention" way, it's in a "why does everybody hate me and dosen't wanna talk to me" kind of way. I know that isn't true, or, a part of me does. I have for the past few months been very bad at contacting people, but here I am, having daily conversations with several people, without starting the conversations.
The thing is, sometimes, I just ... I feel pointed out I guess. Like, everybody decides that "today, nobody's gonna talk to her!" I know that isn't the case, but the feeling is still there, and I get a bit obsessed sometimes. Seeing someone I really wanna talk to be on Facebook without answering my message kills me sometimes. It makes me feel stupid for trying to have a conversation with somebody who "obviously" dosen't wanna talk to me. Now, I know that isn't always the case. People forget, are busy or just have bad days, and dosen't feel like talking. I am one of those "I don't wanna talk to anybody today, everybody can just fuck off" people 9 out of 10 days but if someone message me I usually answer, if only to tell them that I don't wanna talk.
The thing is, because I get so obsessed with it sometimes, I take things too far, probably because of my anxiety and my bad sides as a person. I've taken thins too far one to many times.
So, I'm gonna try and change. I'm gonna see if I can stop taking things so personal and just enjoy the time and conversations I have with people.
Fighting anxiety, one step at the time.

Blog using your mobile phone - One of the best blogging apps on the market - click here!

Likes

Comments

It's been a few months, haven't it? So, let's catch up.

So, the good stuff: my sister got married (congrats beautiful, love ya), i started working out (kinda), we had our first snow here in Sweden, I've been to the movies a few times, I've read a few good books, I've read a few bad books, I got a new phone, I've spent all of my time off with friends and family, I turned 22, I celebrated a few other birthdays, 'someone' bought be roses, I've bought too many clothes and even more books (it feels like).

But life hasn't been easy recently. I've been working 6 times a week for the past 3 months, which means I haven't slept much. 4 to 6 hours per night, at the most, so my anxiety has been high and I've been constantly tired. On top of that I also almost had my heartbroken, twice, which has made my relationship hard and my anxiety even worse. I've been struggling with keeping my head over water, feeling like I'm drowning. But, I'm not gonna stay in that. I refuse to continue to see everything for this horrible bad perspective so let's hope the rest of this year is good.

Likes

Comments

​The past few months have been hard, for more reasons than one ..

1. I got a job, which is amazing. I felt (and still feel) great about it, even if it's not the most glamorous job ever, I still feel good about getting it. The problem is the hours. I don't only work everything from five to eleven hours a day, (and in July I had a lot of long eleven hour days, usually in a row) but I also commute for about two hours everyday. It's not the best feeling in the world knowing you're off work at 10, but won't be home until past midnight because of the train times. 

2. I'm exhausted. Mostly because of the job. I worked too much in July but it was okay while I was doing it. It was fine, but when I came out of it in the end of the month I crashed. I couldn't sleep no matter how tired I was and I would usually dream about being at the restaurant, working and multiple times I would do things like putting my hair up or getting up and walk to the kitchen in my sleep. It's been hard to find a good sleeping pattern. 

3. I don't have any free time, or so it feels like. I don't have time or energy for anything anymore. I don't have time to see my friends or family. No time to read (except on the train but I don't always have the energy for even that), watch movies or write. Well, okay, I have started to bring my notepad with me to work incase I have time before or after to actually get a few words down. And the few days off I have, it's is hard to actually balance everything, because one part of me wants to hang out with people, and see my friends and family, while another wants to stay inside with my sweatpants on and watching Netflix all day. 

4. It actually, sometimes, fee like people don't actually want to see my anymore. Okay, let me explain this: during the month of July, because I worked so much I didn't have time for a social life really. I tried but I was always too tired and not really in mood to talked to anyone after a eleven hour long day at work, so I just stopped contacting people. The problem is that I'm usually the one who start the conversation with people, so when I stopped, I just didn't talk to anyone. I would feel horrible, and my anxiety didn't make things better, and speaking of anxiety ... 

5. My anxiety has been horrible. I've been even more easily effected by things, I've had attacks on my train home and I've just haven't been feeling good. Not saying that it's always awful but I can't say that it's been more good than bad. 

I'm currently in a state where I don't really care anymore. I go to work, go home, eat, sleep and go back. I'm too tired to care about who I talk to during the day, and I'm too tired to be sad. I know that I'll be working less during August, and I know that I'll feel better in time, when I get in a better rutin, but right now: all I want to do is sleep. 

Likes

Comments

Why haven't I blogged anything in a month?

For the last month I've been struggling a bit. Not only have my anxiety been high, but I've been sick, and so has my mom. I have for the last week been taking care of her, and before that I had a horrible cold that lasted for more than two weeks. On top of that, my depression has been sneaking back together with my anxiety. Last week I had one of the worst attacks I have ever had. My heart was breaking, I couldn't breathe and I felt physically sick. I was fighting with two of the most important people in my life at the same time and  I thought, once again, that one of them was going to leave. I felt like my world was collapsing around me, and I couldn't do anything about it. 

I have also for the last three months been looking for a job (well, I have been looking for longer but I have "actively" looked for a job for three months) and nothing. I've had one failed interview (because I couldn't log on to the website they were using), and one phone call about a job I didn't really want but that I still could have gotten if it wasn't because of the fact that I missed the fucking phone call. I feel like a failure, and I know it can take time and all of that but ... I just want to get my life started. I want to move out, get my own place and grow up. I'm so sick and tired of being in this fucking situation and for once I'm actually trying and I'm failing. 

To say the least, I haven't been feeling the best for the last month. I've been trying to keep up a good spirit but sometimes I just can't. I'm not going to give up, I'm not, but for the past two weeks I've been feeling like I should. I've been fighting with people, almost lost one of them. My body (and mind) has been failing me. I've been crying myself to sleep more times this months than I have in a long time. 

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. It's a few bumps in the road. I've been trough worse. I've fixed it with my friend, I haven't actually lost anyone (and if I did, I would have gotten over it at one point because that's what you do), I'll get a job and move out. 

Everything will be fine. 

Likes

Comments

So, a few days ago I went on a walk with this one and found a little path into the 'woods'. It's so pretty and I've gone back several times already. Bro really enjoys walking there because he doesn't really like the sidewalk with the cars and everything. It's so peaceful and at the bottom of the hill that you walk down there is a little stream and Bro dosen't really like the water so I stay away from the actual creek but it's incredibly nice and quiet there.

Likes

Comments

I watched 21 Jump Street for the first time this weekend, bae made me waffles and getting some help with my tea.

So, I've been away again ... I didn't mean to, it just kinda happened. And it feels like I have nothing to blog about even though I actually did a lot while I was away. The reason for that is that I've spent most of my time in Uddevalla (I'm actually there now), which is great, but because of that I don't really have anything to blog about, not anything that has something to do with what I do anyways. But here are a few things that I have done since I last blogged: I've had two BBQ's with the family (three if we count the one dad me and my dad had), I bought and watched the new Star Wars movie, had waffles made for me (I ruined the breakfast in bed surprise ... I still feel sad about that), I've been 'babysitting' Bro, who is just adorable and my new partner in crime, I went to two seminars which sucked and I now remember why I hated school. I've also done a few other things, like watching the Batman v Superman movie (review is up on my youtube channel, you can click here if you wanna check it out) and spent some time alone, which, at the time, was needed.

Hope you guys have had a great few weeks since I last wrote! x

Likes

Comments

My new Star Wars poster at home with the force awakens movie and today Spotify had created a 'Best of Star Wars playlist.

Happy Star Wars day everyone! (And yes, I know, I'm a geek.)

Likes

Comments

This Sunday I went to the mall and I got this amazing t-shirt from H&M (also the choker and the ... Umm other neckless is also from H&M) and I love it! I have for the last few months been falling in love with yellow, and I'm slowly filling my closet with it.

Likes

Comments

So, as I wrote in a blogpost earlier this week, my mom got two new cats a few weeks ago, and oh my god, I love them! So fluffy, and cute and cuddly and just oh!
​ It took them a while to get use to me and my mom, especially me, because I don't live there, so when I was 'babysitting' them it took a while for the little one, Flisan, to cuddle and stuff like that with me.
​But now there's no problem with that, which is really nice! But I love them, and I can't wait to see them again!

Likes

Comments