I don't even know how to start this post ... A few months ago, or, actually, already in November last year, my life crashed. My depression and anxiety got worse, I didn't sleep, I stopped eating, I did nothing but work and didn't have the energy to hang out with people. I was moody and unhappy in every way possible ...
I got my heart broken. That's probably the bigest reason why I was feeling so shitty. In the end of last year the guy and I that I was seeing clashed, constantly. In one way or another we kept hurting each other, I became clingy the more he took steps back to figure his shit out and that just made him push me away even more. I know a big part why things fell apart is on me, but after a while I started noticing how he was acting differently and he started lying to me. I fell apart even more and he finally had enough so in the begging of April he cut the cord and told me he needed distance and maybe didn't want to be with me anymore. I was on the train home from work and broke down in the bathroom. I've never felt more pain in my life.
My mom got sick. My mom has for the longest time had problems with her stomach, and a few months ago she had to go to the emergency room. After many hours they found out that she had volvulus, which is basically when the intestines twists around itself and makes it impossible for her to keep any food down. She had surgery and was in the hospital for a little more than a week, but seeing her like that was horrible. I'm so incredibly grateful that it was something fixable and that everything went okay.
I stopped sleeping, and eating. With my depression and anxiety getting worse I stopped sleeping. I went from a solid six hours to four, to two and after a few months, nothing. I would sleep an hour, maybe two if I was lucky, a night for weeks, and on my day off from work I would do nothing but sleep. With this lack of sleep came the lack of appetite. I would eat once a day, with twenty four to thirty hours between meals, and I would get my "energy" from red bull, alcohol and chocolate, but after a while even that lost it's charm. I was constantly moody, and tired. I would complain and get anxiety attacks several times a week.
I worked my ass off. Thirteen day weeks isn't unusual for me, for twice a month is even too much for me. With the lack of energy on top of that I started hating work, and everything that came with it, but it was a safe place at the same time. At work I had to focus, I had my head high and I didn't have to think about the bullshit that was going in my life.
I almost ruined most of my friendships. I can be a kinda dumb person, I know this. I shut people out, I act out and give people shit when they don't deserve it, and I'm very lucky that I have the friends (and family) that I do, because I would not be here if it wasn't for them. But for a while I thought I was going to lose them. I wouldn't blame them for leaving, because for a while, I was a horrible friend, but they didn't, and I don't know how to say thank you enough to them.
I started self harming again. I became destructive, which is not unusual when it comes to me. Back in December I started smoking, and soon after the "not sleeping and eating" thing kicked in. I started drinking three, four times a week and when that stopped helping I started cutting again. Now, I'm not gonna talk too much about that, but it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done. Until March I had been free from that demon for four months, and I walked right back into his arms.
That's not all of the things that has happened during the last few months, but my point is: I'm getting better. I'm now on antidepressants and seeing a therapist every three weeks. I'm trying to stop smoking, and cutting, and trying to start being a better friend and eating more. I'm forgiving people, moving on and giving last chances.
I'm trying. I still have a long way to go, and I'm far from okay, but I'm trying.