Moments

So, because of the fact that my life has been a little extra tough for the past few months, and a lot of negativity has been surrounding me and my mind, I thought I would share a few good moments and things from the past few months, just to shine some light on those!

- I got my second tattoo. Yes, in the beginning of February I got another tattoo. I got my parents birthdays in Roman numbers (or numerals I thing they are called as well) and I'm so happy about it. Not only because it's for my parents but because I've been wanting to do another tattoo for over 3 years, and I finally did it! It wasn't planed, I just really wanted to so something for me, without it being about or for anybody else.

- I've spent more time with people. Now, this might seem like a weird one, I know, but it's true. For a few months I didn't hang out with anyone, or really did anything when I was off from work or after my shift was done. I just went home, watched some youtube videos and went to bed. But, after everything, and all of the pain and confusion that's been the focus in my life for the past month I decided that I was done. I was just done being alone, and I wanted my life back, so I started doing stuff. Having lunches and dinners with people, going out to clubs and exploring the city I'm working in with an old friend.. Spending mornings and nights with people I've missed and love, and they are slowly helping me back on track.

- I've been feeling myself. For years, and years, my confidence been bad. I've always had some kind of self hatred against myself and that's not gone, not even close, but I'm getting better. I started going to the gym in November last year (when my life started going to shit) and even though I just went there once in a while I still felt good about it. Now, I've been hitting the gym 3 to 4 times a week (if life allows it) and I feel better than I have in years. I also started dressing more like I wanted, and experimenting with make-up, which is really fun!

- I didn't spend Valentin's Day alone. Now, I've never really cared for Valentin's Day. I've always just watched horror movies and stayed in bed all day, or went out with my girlfriends, but this year I wasn't actually alone. We didn't do anything special, or most people wouldn't think we did. We didn't go to a movie or a fancy dinner, or anything at all really. We just stayed in, watching youtube videos in bed, but I couldn't ask for more. I got to spend some real quality time with someone I really care for, and that's all I really wanted.

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Moments

"Can we talk?" I never really thought I would say those words. People only says that in movies and books, but here I was, nervous, and terrified while I watched and waited for his reaction. He stopped playing and looked at me, and oh god, I couldn't read him. What is he thinking? Is he just as afraid as I am? Is this the last time I'll ever see him ...? It felt like I was going insane in those few second before he spoke. "Okay". I took a deep breath and tried to find the words and sentences that I had constructed in my head, but nothing. I was lost, everything had sliped out of my mind, and the panic sat in as the seconds ticked by.
"I just ... I just wanted to know if it's you and me ..." The words were quiet, tears was threatening to fall and when I looked at him, he looked confused. I took the moment to look at him, really look at him. Take in his face and enjoy it for maybe the last time.
"It sounds like you're about to cry."
"That's because I'm afraid what you're gonna answer." I started crying. I didn't want to. I wanted to be strong, or at least seem strong, but I couldn't. Everything I had fought, all of my fears was now on the table, ready for the picking. How could I not cry? He didn't hesitate when he got up, and sat behind me, hugging me and kissing my wet cheek.
"It's you and me" he whisper in my ear, rocking me back and forth. I leaned against him, letting him take care of me, still crying. And the panic came in again. I had more I needed to say. It wasn't suppose to be that easy, it never is wit him. I tried to get out of his arms so I could look at him but he wouldn't let me, his arms becoming stronger around me.
"I need to tell you something else" I whimpered, shaking and worried. How was I suppose to say this when he held me like this? He didn't say anything, so I kept going. "You might panic, and if you do, that fine, I get it, and if you want me to leave, I'll leave, okay?" The words came fast, mixed with the tears that's still rolling down my face, almost not even hearable.
"Okay" was all he said, again, but he didn't move. I could feel his breathing becoming a little heavier. Maybe he's as nervous as I am ...? And before I could change my mind, I said it.
"I love you."

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My face

Well, hello there. How are we today? Good I hope. I just wanted to say hi, and make a little bit of a introduction of myself. And I know, this is still my "old blog" but I wanted to make a few changes, and I wanted to start over so here we go.

My name is Elin, I am a 22 year old girl (guess I should say woman huh...?) that lives in Sweden, and I am a little bit of a nerd. I love books and movies, I write on a daily basis and comics are a passion of mine, and in my blog you are probably gonna read a lot about that. But I will aslo write about me, and my life. I struggle with anxiety and depression and has done so for many years, and write a lot about that, and other problems in life. I love having discussions about more serious things, as well as the not so serious stuff.

So I hope you wanna go on this little journey of good and bad with me.

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