I really can´t understand when I got this lifeless. My passion for blogging was the strongest for over a decade, mainly because it was "a thing" that I started doing before everyone else made blogs about whatever. My pride over being some sort of an opinion leader made me good at blogging, and by good I mean consistent. Now however, months, weeks and days pass by and I don´t even recall my blog at all. I think that it´s good anyway, that I slowly but surely found another passion (or meaning if you want) in my life, other than writing about myself and my everyday life (which at least I think is very boring).
I feel like my body is slowly dying, and it definitely is, but not in the natural way. My mental state is zoning out to be a little bit more melancholic. I never seem to find myself perfect enough, even though I
fucking am. I just need to see it. Facing this kind of exhaustion everyday, drains you out quite a lot - and I am questioning why I am doing what I am doing, I want to know what my purpose is, if there even is one. So this might just be me trying to fight out what the heck we are on earth to do - because this can literally not be it. I am curious.
I am also pushing people away, nice people. And if I have pushed you away, and you read this, I am sorry. I am tired of putting on this fasade, trying to please everyone all the time. I barely have spare time for myself, even though I pretty much stay at home every single day. It´s mentally, you know? Everything that matters to me now is playing with my daughter, being with my mom and dad and occasionally visiting a friend or two. My priorities aren´t like everyone else's and I am not going to force myself to prioritize otherwise either. In August, I will travel to Berkeley and renew myself, and the only thing I will think about are the three lovely family members waiting for me at home (and of course my dearest friends who always supports me!). And btw: I freaking hate ISIS - stop it.
But even though I have pushed people away, I still need them, if that even makes sense. I don´t always appreciate everyone around me, if all they have to give me is gossip, complaining or something down "Negative Ave". I am in desperate need of people that surround me with laughter, optimism and joy. I need to borrow a little energy from them, in order to give anything back.
Bye, gonna make myself a toast now!