It doesn't feel so nice to see almost all neighbours from this very small village, together celebrating meanwhile we haven't heard a word of it! Not a call, a message or invitation. It's not the first time it happens, people get together to celebrate birthday parties, new year or whatever and we never hear a word! Why?

Do people are trying to avoid me? Avoid us? What have we done? Is it because I am a foreigner with other cultural views? Is it because in our family don't drink at all?
Just remember that we are people with feelings, try to put yourself in our situation, it hurts to be left out!

Now, I agree I am not from here, haven't been born here, just been here for almost 10 years! But my husband, he's grown up here! Why he doesn't even hear a word? Is it because he is married to me? Am I that bad?

At the end, people do whatever they want, and invite who ever they want, if you don't like me, I'll have to deal with it. I just hope that my children doesn't get affected by it! I hope they will still be invited to birthday parties and so on. You just can't do that to children! If you don't like their parents, that's your own problem, the children can't be affected! 

I am a person who just can't keep quiet, because of shame, pride, I say exactly how it is! So if somebody wants to tell me the reason of why are we always being left out, please tell me, tell my husband! I appreciate to hear honesty and the truth instead of not knowing anything and start formulating things on my head.

We live in such a small place, there should be peace, kindness, help each other, etc. I just hope this kind of thing never happen to any of you, because it hurts! We are humans with feelings, being left out is not funny at all!

Thanks! Now don't like me even more because I am saying this...I don't care. What do I have to loose? Friends? Acquaintances? I am already alone!

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It doesn't feel so nice to see almost all neighbours from this very small village, together celebrating meanwhile we haven't heard a word of it! Not a call, a message or invitation. It's not the first time it happens, people get together to celebrate birthday parties, new year or whatever and we never hear a word! Why?

Do people are trying to avoid me? Avoid us? What have we done? Is it because I am a foreigner with other cultural views? Is it because in our family don't drink at all?
Just remember that we are people with feelings, try to put yourself in our situation, it hurts to be left out!

Now, I agree I am not from here, haven't been born here, just been here for almost 10 years! But my husband, he's grown up here! Why he doesn't even hear a word? Is it because he is married to me? Am I that bad?

At the end, people do whatever they want, and invite who ever they want, if you don't like me, I'll have to deal with it. I just hope that my children doesn't get affected by it! I hope they will still be invited to birthday parties and so on. You just can't do that to children! If you don't like their parents, that's your own problem, the children can't be affected! 

I am a person who just can't keep quiet, because of shame, pride, I say exactly how it is! So if somebody wants to tell me the reason of why are we always being left out, please tell me, tell my husband! I appreciate to hear honesty and the truth instead of not knowing anything and start formulating things on my head.

We live in such a small place, there should be peace, kindness, help each other, etc. I just hope this kind of thing never happen to any of you, because it hurts! We are humans with feelings, being left out is not funny at all!

Thanks! Now don't like me even more because I am saying this...I don't care. What do I have to loose? Friends? Acquaintances? I am already alone!

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There's a moment when enough is enough. The mind, the body, strength is gone.

Being a mom of three small children is exhausting. I am tired, I am mentally exhausted.

It does feels like I am in prison. It feels like I've lost myself. There is only myself " the mom" , me, as a woman, as a social being is nowhere to be found.

I am so needed by my children, specially the youngest, I feel stucked.

And I dont want that people think negative things...like what a terrible mom I am, I should be thankful. I am thankful for my children, blessed to have 3 beautiful and healthy sons.

But I also need a bit of time for me, me the woman would like to go shopping for example ,me the friend would love to go to the movies or drink some coffee and talk womanly stuff, me the wife who would love to dressed up and go to a nice restaurant alone with my husband.

Arghhh...just have to wait a few years...

I feel overwhelmed, stressed, bored, lonely...

I hope better days will come...tears won't stop coming out...

yeah, I am mess...but somebody cares?

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Nothing exciting to write about.

Life has been the same lately.

Kids, school, household chores, etc.
( Thanks God! we have been healthy!)

This week is last week of school for the boys, they are excited!  I am too! ( being sarcastic) :D It means I have all three by myself!

Last summers my mom came during the summers, she would help me a lot with the boys! Now, I do not have any help, it means no free time at all!

I will try to get the boys to be outside from home, and get used to other people around. I'll not stress them as I want them to relax and just take one day at the time, so I'll ask them if they want to go somewhere else...to visit some friends, to the beach, to the local street market and eat some ice cream...

They need to go out a little bit more ( and believe me! I need too!)

I've been the whole winter at home, and lately, I've been only out to the supermarket.

I'll see and ask around if other moms wants to get together and do something together with our kids.

Let me know if you wanna hang out, we are pretty much at home and quite lonely.

We all need some fresh new air!

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arghhh, yes my last post was about how much I love my sons. But Do I like them at all times? No!

Now maybe I'll get a lot of judgement, raised eyebrows, words like : " what a terrible mother!"

Anyway, life with children it ain't easy!

I love my children to death but there are some moments where I'd like to leave the house and run away for a while!

I've been sick for 3 days, got fever, extreme headache, and also a stomach bug. Today I've finally eaten some pasta after 3 days of only eating blueberry soup. 

Strenght and myself are coming together, but then of course...my dear children.

The youngest I dont know if he is getting again the flu or has tummy problems, but he has not slept well last night and screamed! 
He does want at all to take the pacifier,,but wants to get glued to my breast the WHOLE  night long! It is not easy to sleep let me tell you when you have a vampire sucking on you the whole night!  I really dont know why he would not take his pacifier! He did before! and helped him sleep back, but not for the last 5 days. It is only my nipple who calms him down! ( boy's thing?)

This has made me consider maybe that It is soon time to stop breastfeeding. I don't know...it is a yes-no / bitter sweet decision.

I really hope this changes soon and that is only a phase. Because I am getting very frustrated.

Then today when I finally feeling well and excited to make lunch for the boys...I get things like: again pasta? I don't like the green beans, I am full...

But how are you going to eat candie when you go to the movies if you are already full?

and then there comes the beautiful agreement between mom and dad..he says yes...momma says no and bla bla bla...

My point is! no candie if they dont eat all their damn food I have cooked! and much more if they are " already full" ( which is a lie!)

But here comes daddy to the rescue.

Arghhhh....

Sometimes I have enough.

It is not easy to be a parent, and to have children, and to have a partner who doesn't commit to the rules!

In these kind of days...And make it worse , it's gray and raining outside...I'd like to go outside and scream the lungs out of me!

I'm very soon in need of a time out for myself, I really need to...just waiting for the youngest to be a bit older so I can leave him with his dad for a little longer than an hour.

Do not take me wrong, I love my family, my children, my husband, but I have to remember that I am also a person, I am a human being with feelings, with needs, I get hurt! I get angry, I am not a robot ( eventhough sometimes it feels like that)

Maybe It will help to talk about it...maybe someone feels the same, but doesn't to tell...It is a taboo...it is just wrong to feel the way I am feeling...

Everything has to look perfect! perfect family, well raised children, loving husband and wife,  enjoying time all together! ohh how I miss you...

Bullshit I say! We argue! we scream when it gets to our nerves , we are not proud of that but to who are we lying...our boys are very good boys but they can argue between each other and end up crying...they can get too naughty and loud and answer Very badly back! yes! already! I thought it would come when they were teenagers but they already start! 

So yeah...we are not perfect! and we never pretend to be!

and everything is not 100% perfection at all times...up and downs come and go...but at the end of the day with all our imperfections, we are still there hanging on and trying to make it work! because that's what a family and marriage is all about.

Now I am feeling a bit more positive!  I will hug my boys when they come back from the movies...and tell them...next time mommy cooks, you are gonna eat all :) ( yeah I wish)

yeah...if you are not a parent yet...read this :D this is coming soon to your life :D


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Mother's Day, or Father's Day and even more Christmas...all of those important celebrations are bitter sweet for me.

I am glad to spend them with my husband and my three sons, but sad because the rest of my family is far far away.

Tomorrow is Mother's day here in Finland ( also in Peru, my home country ) , last year I was lucky enough to have spent it with my mom, she came here when my youngest son was a newborn. So we celebrated both her birthday and Mother's day.

Unfortunately one more year that I am not spending this special day with my dear mom, and grandmother, my aunts, and my small cousins who have also become a mom meanwhile I've been living here.

There are so many new members in my family who I haven't been able to meet yet! and I can't wait to meet them.

Unfortunately, flight ticket are expensive, it's a very long flight, and I am quite scared because Lima has become very very dangerous.

Hopefully the day will come that I might be able to travel there,  by myself! I don't want to risk my sons lives taking them there, plus there would not be enough money for the flight ticket to the 5 of us.

I'll wait a few years maybe, when my youngest son is big enough to understand that mommy has gone for a short trip to her home country.

Anyway, I just hope that if you have your moms near you, go and visit her, hug her, kiss her, tell her you love her.

People usually take many things for granted. They take for granted they have their parents near, relatives and friends...

Enjoy your loved ones! I wish I could have all my family a bit nearer...1 or 2 hours away max.  But they are like 15 hours away from me...

For this Mothers day, I decided to surprise my mommy a bit, she loves tulips, so I bought a bouquet  through a Peruvian flower shop.  She got them yesterday! and loved them! 

It is also her birthday next week, so perfect timing.

Here is a picture of her beautiful tulips.

And please remember! tell your loved ones you love them!

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I have always had self confidence problems.
As long as I remember, It all started at school. My name means "beautiful" in spanish, so classmates called me ugly.
I still remember those voices telling me I was ugly.

Then growing up I had a problem with a tooth growing the other way, I had to have many surgeries, and a thousands of appointments to the dentists, had to get braces to get to fix the problem that turned tooth had caused. So feeling ugly plus having braces didn't help.

Then! when I turned 15, my vision went bad I had to get glasses! so I turned into an "Ugly Betty" !  ( if you dont know what it is, google and then you will understand) and got called like that as well, nicknames after nicknames.

It wasn't until I got my braces removed, and learned about contact lenses, that I started to feel ok with myself again, I was confidence to go out with friends and get a few dates. I even got compliments that I was indeed pretty, I listened to them, but inside of me didn't believe those words 100%.

I continued to feel and be "pretty " and to have confidence with my self, I met my now husband, got married, had my first son and Bam! Hormones crashed, or maybe it has to be because of genetics ( my dad had the same disease)  I got acne rosacea.

My whole face was starting to get red, getting a lot of pimples, and not only normal pimples, pus filled called pustules, swollen and  pimples who hurt!

Rosacea has no cure! only treatment that only helps for a short time. I have tried oills, cream, etc but it doesnt help.  Rosacea gets worse during the winter, or summer, with cold and hot weather, with uv rays, with stress and so on.

So now the confidence I had for a short time has dissappeared again.

I feel very ugly and disgusting, if you see me without make up you would understand. There is only a very few people who I have been brave enough to be able to show my bare face. It is so embarrassing and I know it looks ugly. My face is super red with scars and pimples.

Thanks God there is make up. If I have to go out somewhere I have to put foundation on. I hate the feeling of it, specially now that is getting warmer, It feels like my whole face is like a candle and it melts.

Make up is a need for me nowadays, make up helps me feel a bit more like a human and not so much like a monster.

I just thank my husband who still loves me and kids who even they notice my acne , and sometimes have said: "eventough with those spots on your face, we love you"

That warms my heart...

So please, if you ever get a single pimple, or a pimple, be happy! Be happy and thankful if you have beautiful skin, or if you are a few of the ones who don't wear a drop of make up, be happy! there are many people like me out there who are dreaming of having good skin.

So yeah, now you know one of my secrets, and my self-confidence issues. I always wanted to be so clear about it. And if you ever see me without make, please don't get scared! it is not contagious and I do not bite!

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Tomorrow is 1st of May,  Labour day, its a tradition here in Finland to eat donuts and drink a thing called : mjöd, I really don't know whats the name of it in English.

Anyway, me and the boys went to a Cafe in Dalsbruk, called Rosala Handelsbod, to pick up our donuts we have ordered. I can recommend these Rosala donuts, they are one of the best I have ever tasted. Apart from the donuts, there you can find such good and quality products, from bread, homemade candies, candles, you name it, pasta, chocolate. It is one of my favorite places to go if I am in the mood for a cup of coffee and sometime sweet.

We couldn't leave the place without eating a donut so we ate there, baby I, had to try it too.

After that, we went to visit a friend who has small chickens and hens. Our boys love animals so much, we had to come and say hello to this 1 week and a half old baby chickens, at first they were a bit scared to touch them, but afterwards they were too much over them, poor chickens :D they got enough hugs for the rest of their lives.

We also got to meet their two small dogs :D ( great Danes)  boys were scared and went to hide behind me :D 

Baby I was so curious and couldn't stop looking at them :D

At the end, we had to get going home to eat lunch.

It wasn't a big big thing, but mini trips like these, doesn't require so much planning and boys enjoyed it without getting stressed by too much activities or long rides in the car.

I wish you all a Happy Labour's Day !

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Sometimes it just feels lonely.

I have my kids and husband around all the time...but still sometimes ( many times) feels lonely.

I miss having a close intimate friend who I can tell my deepest feelings, to whom I can come and visit unannounced and viceversa, a friend who will listen...a friend who will cry with me...a friend who will almost pee when laughing so hard. A friend who will call me anytime and ask: how are you feeling today? let's go and get some coffee...

That's one of the things you miss most, when you have left all behind back in your home country.

Not only you have left your family, but your friends...

Now close your eyes , and try to be on my side for two minutes and imagine being in my situation...coming to a completely new place, where everyone knows each other for a long time, already built friendships since school times...then a new person comes...not even having the same values and culture of everyone else...

Can you imagine how hard it is to try to be friends? to try to get into already those friendships?  Sometimes it feels like you are an intruder! maybe they also think that way...why do we have to let this person come?

And after trying to be friends, after have tried to get more involved...after trying to fit in...you find out, they all get together, but you didn't hear a word of it... birthdays, celebrations, new years,etc...you are there maybe expecting to hear anything from them, but no...you are not even invited...you are left alone, we don't want you to be a part of us...

So, what should I do? just complain about it in a blog. Speak out your feelings into a screen because you don't have a friend in which you can run, and hug and cry and tell how sad I am feeling.

I need a friend, I need friends, real friends, not someone who I only met once a month and say hi Hello! how are the kids and goodbye.

I miss my friends...my family...I miss a lot.

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