I've always been a person with vivid dreams. Super clear and either scary or very stressful. It has a lot of times gotten to the point where I don't want to go to sleep because I just can't take another dream. I wish I was one of those people who never remember their dreams, that would be really awesome.

So speaking of dreams. I keep having this really annoying recurring dream. I dream of my ex. For about three years I kept having dreams about us becoming friends again, and every time I was happy to wake up knowing it was just a bad dream. Then about a year ago I had a dream about me forgiving him, and it felt good, so good that it even felt like I had forgiven him in real life. I just got in to a new relationship with a wonderful man. I have known him since forever but my romantic feelings for him are still very new. Anyway, I keep dreaming about my ex, but now the dreams aren't just about becoming friends with him again. Now for some reason I really want to have sex with him! You can all imagine how totally weird and wrong that feels. But my feelings for him are really strong in my dreams, it's not feelings of love, more like, feelings of temptation. I'm so tempted to sleep with him and I keep asking myself if my current boyfriend would be mad at me if I did (ha ha). Then I wake up and I feel absolutely nothing for my ex, and absolutely everything for my boyfriend.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this as the overthinker I am. I do absolutely believe that we process things from our daily life when we sleep. I think of dreams as metaphors, I don't take them literately but I think they have a lot to say about how we feel. I don't think my dreams our trying to say that I still have feelings for my ex, but what I do think is that my feelings for my current boyfriend reminds me of how I used to feel for my ex. Simply because I haven't felt like this since then. My ex was my first everything, so of course my thoughts will always go back to him. I don't believe there's anything wrong with that, I think it's human. We all have or have had people in our lives that meant a lot. How can you forget that? What I think is important in a situation like this, when you meet someone new, is to try not to compare the relationships to much. I know this is almost impossible, but what I've learned is that my ex and my boyfriend are two complete different people. So even if some of the feeling that I feel are similar the love is completely different. The love I have for my boyfriend is so different, the whole relationship is different. So when people ask how you can ever love someone new after a breakup I think that's how. You will love the next one different, in a whole new way. Our hearts are bigger than we think, we can love more than one person. Maybe just not in the same way.

Dreams dreams dreams. I hate you, but I love you too.

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This is a period in my life when I'm second guessing everything. Everyday I have to deal with things I really don't have any control over. It's like I have a say but not the final decision. I should have the final decision, it's my life. But in my case I don't, and there's nothing I can do other than to try my hardest and hope for the best. For those of you who wonder what I'm taking about, I'm taking about a visa. A visa so that I can stay in the states and live my dream. I've worked on this for a year and now I'm basically waiting for someone to decide if I get to stay or not.

This is a life changing decision for me and I can't even make the decision myself. My life is literately in someone else's hands. I never put my own life in someone else's hands, because I trust myself more than I trust anybody else. I trust myself to do what's best for me. Right now I'm torn. This past year has been hard, because I've had to focus more on getting a visa than my actual dream. It's like there's a cloud over my head stopping me from seeing this city the was I used too. I use to love this city more than anything else in the world, and I still do, I think.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know exactly what you want but you just can't feel it? See that's what I'm feeling right now. Nothing has changed, just my feelings. What I've also realized is that when you live in a place long enough you're gonna see the flaws of it too. This year has really been a test and I feel like I'm running out of power. My thoughts are drifting away and everyday I at some point end up thinking about going back to my hometown. My absolute worst nightmare. But In my head it doesn't seem so bad. I have a wonderful family there, an amazing boyfriend and friends. My home country is the most beautiful country in the world. Still nothing has ever felt so much like home as America does to me. When I first got here it was like I could finally breath again, I had never felt more safe in my entire life even though I was more alone than ever. I'm trying to think about what it would be like to go back to my home country. Think about how I would try my best to keep myself from breaking, how I would work my ass of to get back here. I do miss my home country, so much at the moment that I would consider going back there and wait for the visa from there. I would never tell anyone that though, they would all think I'm giving up. Am I giving up?

I'm trying to remind myself of who I really am, and how I felt when I was back there. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I think I'm just having these thoughts because I know there's a slight chance I will have to go back, even though I've told everyone there's no chance in hell that I'm coming back. That's how I want them all do see me, strong and unbeatable. I do believe we can do anything we set our minds too, it just sucks that I don't have the final decision here. I think that's why my head go to all those different places right now, I'm trying to figure out how to make it in this life regardless of their decision. Should I wait here, just go on with my days and not be able to work, or should I go back there and wait? Recharge and get some money while I'm waiting. That would probably be the most right thing to do, the kindest thing too the people who are supporting me. But I'm too afraid to go back, I'm too afraid to loose everything that I've built up here. And even though I might lose it in a couple of months anyway, I'm just not ready to let go yet.

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Sometimes I wish I was 5 years old again. Sometimes I wish I was around 30. Isn't it funny how the grass is always greener? I've always wanted to be older than I am, I'm 22 now wish actually is kind of a good age. But the problem with 22 is that you are just in between being a kid and a grown up. I know that you technically are counting as a ''grown up'' when you're 18, but I think that really depends on the situation.

I feel like 22 is the time in your life when you just moved out of your parents place, when you realize that you have to pay your own bills and on top of that you should pretty much have figured out what you want in life. Sure this can all happen at different ages, I guess I just had all of those realizations by 22 haha! According to others I had my life ''figured out'' really early in life. When I was 19 I moved across the world to start my life in a complete different city. It was always the plan to do that, so I did. I've done most of the things I said I would do so far, but trust me when I say, I don't have anything completely figured out. Does anyone ever really? Because I feel like I've been waiting forever to feel that way. It doesn't matter how much I achieve or how much I've planned for the future, I still don't have a shit figured out. So I guess by 30 I will still feel lost and overwhelmed by the world in some senses.

In a lot of ways I feel like not knowing is the beauty of life. I don't know what my life is going to be like at 30, I can only hope and work for the life that I want. Life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it, and it can take a lot of different turns. I believe this to be very true: If you can't find happiness in who you are today, you're never going to find it in your career or the goals that you achieve. You can have major success and still not be happy with who you are. So I think it's really important to find that happiness in myself now, to enjoy the moment. Success has always been a big deal to me, it's something I will always continue to strive for. What means even more to me though is that I'm happy with the person I am. Because when the day comes when I've achieved all of the things that I want to achieve, I want to be able to look at myself and not feel empty. I want to be able to feel that I've been a good person, that I have a safe and stable home and people around me that I love and that loves me. We can't really run from that empty feeling inside of us if it's there, but we can find a way to heal and make the best out of the life that we were given.

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“There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course.” - Cheryl Strayed

Sometimes there really is no way to know why some things happens and some don't. It's frustrating, it's frustrating to not always be able to understand. Cheryl strayed who I quoted above, are one of my favorite authors. It totally seems like she gets life. She's so accepting of it, and that really inspires me. I think that when we are able to accept life as it is, its up and its downs, its tragedies and its miracles, it's easier to grow and become a better self.

Today I got a bomb dropped on me. Not that it wasn't expected, because it was, but I could still feel my heart drop which almost caused me to drop my grocery bags as well. The first thing that pops in to my mind is that I have to be accepting of the situation, and the next thing I thought was ''Why do I always have to be this accepting person''? I feel like I'm sometimes so accepting and understanding that I have no time to be angry or disappointed. I just immediately want to go on with my life, simply because I know that's what I'm gonna have to do eventually anyway. I do believe that things happens to us so that we can learn and become better at what we do in life, but sometimes things happens and you just can't understand why.

I didn't choose an easy life, I didn't choose an easy career. I like a challenge. So I guess that's what's happening now, I'm being challenged again. Time to kick some butt! .


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