A few months before my high school graduation my dad asked me if I was nervous and if I had any idea what I was going to do after. My answer was a straight up ”yes” because I did have an idea of what I wanted to do. I mean it wasn’t exactly a plan set in stone but it doesn’t have to be. Either way I had a general vision of where I wanted to take my life, which is more than can be said for a lot of other 18 year olds so I had a good feeling about everything. The day after graduation I started working at my new job.
Now I’m two months away from turning 19. The only thing going through my head right now is ”what the hell have I been doing this time?”. I feel like time is passing too quickly and my life is running away from me. Sure I’m not even 19 yet but it feels like I turned 17 yesterday and it seems like everyone around me are going places and getting ahead in life. I’m just scared that one day I’ll wake up at 25 without realizing any of my dreams and ideas.
You know when you have so much to do in school and it just feels like you’re drowning in assignments not knowing where to start and you just end up not doing any of them? Thats how I feel about all these things I want to do right now and it feels like it shouldn't be that hard, but I keep running into obstacles in my mind. I want to travel, but then I need money and to get money I need a job and I also don't want to travel alone. I also want to make a road trip through Italy, but for that I need a drivers license and to get a license I need more money. There is like 40 more points on my list of things that I want to do, but I’m not going to list them all right now. In the end it all comes down to the fact that I need money to check things off my list.
I don’t want to keep working minimum wage jobs that I hate just for money when I don’t even have a full plan of what I’m going to to with the money I’m making.After thinking for about a month I have decided to quit my job, use the money for a drivers license and then study the courses that I’m missing (I went to a bakery high school which doesn’t give you the complete competence you need for university).
I just feel like I can’t sit here waiting for an epiphany where I suddenly figure out what I want, I have to try my way forward to that decision. Also I should probably stop seeing the money as an obstacle and look for solutions instead. If I still feel the same anxiety I might just sell my closet and flee the country because Swedish winter shows no mercy.
Don’t just exist, live. Such a cliché, but it’s true.