Crap... Here we are again.
I didn't want to write here, but I guess sometimes you have to do things you don't want to. I've been doing great for weeks, even months, but then all of the sudden...crash. It came like lightning on a clear sky - from nowhere.
These past few weeks have been great. I've been having fun, I feel like I have great friends who support me now and I'm slowly opening up to the possibilities of taking more responsibility and maybe even start dating. But then all of sudden this thing happen.
Maybe it's because I feel once again closer to death. Yesterday I found out my philosophy teacher had passed, very tragic. My friend's mom is also very sick, so I guess that I am in a way experiencing that second hand by speaking to my friend. I can't say I know exactly what she's going through or that my pain is greater than hers. I'm just saying that the presence of death is becoming more and more apparent to me - and I think it's making me numb.
At least half of the time. Half of the time I feel nothing. I complain about everything that is beautiful and great, I belittle it, make it seem dumb and small. I feel like nothing really matters and nothing in life can be taken seriously. School, sex, relationships and stuff I said or did will not matter, they are microscopic.
Then all of a sudden well I think about all these things I start crying. Is it fear? Fear that life is so much smaller than it presents itself to be? Fear that I will never live up to my full potential? Or is it my body simply reacting to how apathetic my mind is to life?
I've just gone through a full-blown panic attack. My window curtains were drawn to the side and everything, I didn't even care that my neighbors could see me. I guess I wanted them to see me, hoping that someone would knock on my door and ask me if I was ok. One of the reasons I had this attack could be because we have a school project were we work with fieldwork.
I need 3-5 people to do mine, seems simply enough right? Well, you guessed wrong. I wrote this desperate post on Facebook hoping someone would see it and reach out to me. I can't really blame people for not doing it, they have their reasons. Not getting any response made me feel stupid though. The one part of me said "K, nobody cares. You don't care, life and especially Facebook is meaningless." And the other part panicked.
See now I actually have to ask people IRL, I have to terrorize them to do something they rather not. I know that most people are nice and though some will say no, I will find people who'll say yes if I ask. That's not the part that makes me anxious. It is the asking-part. I used to be so alone so that I got used to not needing anyone else. I can do anything if I do it myself. But asking people to do something for me, asking them to sacrifice what they want to do what I need, is too much. Experiences in my past have made me feel cautious about relying on others, it may seem cliché or dramatic, but I can't help how I feel.
When I needed help the most, people, besides my parents, were rarely there. I will ask people though. But it makes me feel weak, like I need someone else than myself. Sometimes you need other people, I guess I'm just scared of admitting it.
I watched this Netflix show called "13 Reasons Why" it is about this girl who commits suicide. It was a good watch and I really related to it. I thought: "That could have been me." Notice and said "could have." They may have been a time I even considered s, but and don't anymore. There are too many things and people in my life that bring me happiness. There are too many things that make me feel meaning. Like writing this blog for example.
Hopefully it'll be long until my next post.