Crap... Here we are again.

I didn't want to write here, but I guess sometimes you have to do things you don't want to. I've been doing great for weeks, even months, but then all of the sudden...crash. It came like lightning on a clear sky - from nowhere.

These past few weeks have been great. I've been having fun, I feel like I have great friends who support me now and I'm slowly opening up to the possibilities of taking more responsibility and maybe even start dating. But then all of sudden this thing happen.

Maybe it's because I feel once again closer to death. Yesterday I found out my philosophy teacher had passed, very tragic. My friend's mom is also very sick, so I guess that I am in a way experiencing that second hand by speaking to my friend. I can't say I know exactly what she's going through or that my pain is greater than hers. I'm just saying that the presence of death is becoming more and more apparent to me - and I think it's making me numb.

At least half of the time. Half of the time I feel nothing. I complain about everything that is beautiful and great, I belittle it, make it seem dumb and small. I feel like nothing really matters and nothing in life can be taken seriously. School, sex, relationships and stuff I said or did will not matter, they are microscopic.

Then all of a sudden well I think about all these things I start crying. Is it fear? Fear that life is so much smaller than it presents itself to be? Fear that I will never live up to my full potential? Or is it my body simply reacting to how apathetic my mind is to life?

I've just gone through a full-blown panic attack. My window curtains were drawn to the side and everything, I didn't even care that my neighbors could see me. I guess I wanted them to see me, hoping that someone would knock on my door and ask me if I was ok. One of the reasons I had this attack could be because we have a school project were we work with fieldwork.

I need 3-5 people to do mine, seems simply enough right? Well, you guessed wrong. I wrote this desperate post on Facebook hoping someone would see it and reach out to me. I can't really blame people for not doing it, they have their reasons. Not getting any response made me feel stupid though. The one part of me said "K, nobody cares. You don't care, life and especially Facebook is meaningless." And the other part panicked.

See now I actually have to ask people IRL, I have to terrorize them to do something they rather not. I know that most people are nice and though some will say no, I will find people who'll say yes if I ask. That's not the part that makes me anxious. It is the asking-part. I used to be so alone so that I got used to not needing anyone else. I can do anything if I do it myself. But asking people to do something for me, asking them to sacrifice what they want to do what I need, is too much. Experiences in my past have made me feel cautious about relying on others, it may seem cliché or dramatic, but I can't help how I feel.

When I needed help the most, people, besides my parents, were rarely there. I will ask people though. But it makes me feel weak, like I need someone else than myself. Sometimes you need other people, I guess I'm just scared of admitting it.

I watched this Netflix show called "13 Reasons Why" it is about this girl who commits suicide. It was a good watch and I really related to it. I thought: "That could have been me." Notice and said "could have." They may have been a time I even considered s, but and don't anymore. There are too many things and people in my life that bring me happiness. There are too many things that make me feel meaning. Like writing this blog for example.

Hopefully it'll be long until my next post.

- K

Design your blog - select from dozens of ready-made templates or make your own; simply “point & click” - click here!

Likes

Comments

I don't know what to do, I just don't know what to do, fuck fuck fuck.... I'm so insanely stressed out and I'm freaking out, and it's not like I'm stressed out over big things I am stressing out over things I should be able to handle but I can't. What if I don't get a job what if I go all the way to Stockholm without getting a job and I will be so fucking depressed and bored this summer. I'm behind in school and school is going really fast, time is going so fast. In a few years I'm going to die, I always knew I was going to die young but maybe I'll die old, it doesn't matter really because time goes so damn fast.

I'll never be a writer or do what I wanted, I never get to finish my books, I'm just going to be stuck doing shit I don't like and be miserable. Fuck, I hate this, I hate my life. I am so fucking stressed out. Why should I have to do this? There are so many people depending on me and all these fucking expectations. To be nice, to be talented, to hand in stuff within the deadline, to be calm, to be sane, to be normal, what the fuck, I'm not normal, I am so not normal, I don't even have milk in my fridge. I haven't done anything today, five hours just went by so fast, what is my life? Is this my life? I hate my life, I just want to run out to a forest and crouch down and be a rock, can I please just be a rock? They don't have to do anything.

I need to drive, study, clean, talk, be happy, be normal, is this what heroin addicts are talking about?

Live for work, live for work, I don't want to live for work, I don't want to follow this time, I want more time, if I only had more time, I would do so much more. Everyone is dying around me, there's just death all around, I'm going to die, you're going to die, we are all going to die. But I don't have time to die, maybe I can die after I've done the dishes? Can I just die so I won't have to do all these things and have all this pressure? Fuck I hate this. I hate this world.

Likes

Comments

This week has been very stressful, the reason - my family. I know, I know, I'm probably going to sound spoiled talking about my loving family who only wants to spend to time with me. It can just be very stressful to spend time with them sometimes. On Thursday I went up to Stockholm for two job interviews, I was nervous but I did my best. Then after coming home on Friday my folks and my brother came to visit me on Saturday.

Now, I live in a tiny one-room apartment and I usually just spend a few hours a day with other people. Then all a sudden my dad is sleeping on my carpet, my mom is looking through my things and my brother is sleeping in my bed while I eat breakfast in the couch with a dog in my lap.

I've always felt like I wasn't good enough and I always let my family down, even though my parents never given me a reason to think so. I just have a feeling they wanted more for me, that they wanted me to be this confident, strong and successful person. While I feel insecure, fragile and unable to do anything right a lot of the time. Truth is they just want me to be happy, but I'm not, at least not always.

I feel isolated and lonely living so off and all alone. I don't know who are my true friends and often believe people secretly hate me. I get affected by weather and stressed out with mundane things like buying cheese. Honestly this year has been one if not the toughest of my life. I moved to this new city without anyone except my best friend. A best friend who later decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I tragically lost someone I loved, way, way too early. I live alone, sometimes going days without talking to someone. I feel uninspired by school and like my life isn't going anywhere. I'm learning to drive which is hard because of my fear of driving (I've been in two car accidents, so it might have something to do with it) and I miss the life that took me so long to build in Stockholm. So, yes it can get overwhelming sometimes and I might freak out over stupid shit, but honestly I'm fine.

This is what my mom doesn't seem to understand. She sees me being sad and she gets sad, then I get sad because I think she thinks I'm weak and that I'm disappointing her for not being happy. I wish I could be happier, as happy as I write I am at my job applications, but I can't be. My mom thinks I'm depressed, she wants me to move back home, she says she thought I was stronger than this and she doesn't think I'm ready to be alone.

That makes me want to prove her wrong. Maybe that's her technique? Damn she's good...

Likes

Comments

I did feel a lot better today, maybe it was the weather. This morning I watched the Bachelor (US), did you know that this year's bachelor is basically unemployed? These girls are crazy about a guy whose job title is legit "the Bachelor". You should see the girls squirm when their parents ask them what he does for a living, uh-oh strike one. "He used to work in sales...?"

I also went to yoga and my therapist, both body and soul today, I guess. Going and talking to my therapist is so chill, she thinks I'm really nice and hates the same people I do. Our talks are basically me venting about everything while she nods, repeats what I said and then we're done. She kind of seems to enjoy our talks to:

Her: Thank you for sharing!

Me: Um, you're welcome... Thank you for listening.

Her: You're welcome!

Me: Ok... Thank you.

That convo was more awkward then it sounded. Should people thank you for allowing them to do their job?

I also ate a full meal today, I feel really proud of myself. I think I'm going to pretend to be a really "happy, positive and social girl" and apply for some summer jobs and then create some people I hate and kill them in the Sims.

Take care!

- K

Likes

Comments

Hi there,

This day have been a complete mess. Could it possible be because I was upset last night over something I shouldn't be and cleaned my apartment, baked a cake, then ate the cake before finally falling a sleep at 4? Nah.... Maybe I get hormonal when the weather is bad. I've heard of people who get depressed in the winter because it's dark, maybe I cry, when the sky cry? That sounded cheesy, I'm talking about rain, it was a moderately rainy day today and apparently that might have affected me.

Or maybe I'm just overeacting like everyone says, I'll admit it - I'm kind of a drama queen. Anyway, we were going to introduce ourselves to our new teacher today.. Suddenly, I could feel the anxiety crawling towards me like a sly cat. My hands got sweaty, I felt lightheaded and my breaths became shorter. I didn't want to be nervous, in my head introducing myself wasn't a big deal, but my body didn't seem to agree. Afterwards it felt like everyone had noticed that I was nervous and I was embarrassed, what kind o an adult can't say a few words about themselves in front of a group?

On the way home I called my mom and talked about missing my support net, lonliness and anxiety. I even told her about my freak-out the other day when I had found out that my yoga class was taking place in a room I hadn't been to yet. I then felt nervous and even considered going home when faced with the challenge of entering a new room alone. My mom responded with that she didn't recognize me and that I should just "snap out of it."

My driver instructor also tried to calm me down, he now keeps a box of tissues in the car, I can't help but feel responsible for that. I doesn't make me hold back my wailing and my constant belief that I'm close to dying though. "No, that was just a bush." He says while I catch my breath in awe. He tells me just to relax and believe in myself, it seems like everyone knows what I should do except me.

I do love to write though - which is the reason I created this blog. I don't know if anyone else will read this except me. If people will make fun of me or relate. It really doesn't matter as long as I feel a little bit happier and a little bit more sane from collecting my thoughts here. If one more person finds this helpful, then that's just a bonus.

I don't really know what was going on with me today, maybe it was my cycle messing with me, that I've only eaten a bag of candy and a sandwich today, the rain or the fact that I feel like I'm moments away from starting my own Fight Club. Maybe it's none of those things, but instead just a case of Monday blues.

- K

Likes

Comments