Sooo everybody, I´ve struggled for a long time, I´ve struggled with a lot of different things, such as depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, cutting etc. But for this post I just wanna spread awareness about one special thing, at least it is to me. Eating disorder.
I have struggled with an eating disorder since my early teens. I thought I was so fat, even though I've never been overweight. I felt like everybody was judging me, I didn't feel beautiful or loved. It was very hard for me to feel so different from everybody else. I guess you could say my eating disorder first really took off after a sexual assault that happened to me in the city when I was 14, that is now two years ago. I started losing weight, not even by choice, I got horrible migraines constantly. I couldn't eat, so I lost a lot of weight. After a while my family started noticing and saying wow you´ve become so skinny etc. and my friends said so too, deep down I knew they didn't mean it in a positive way, but I loved the comments, so I started throwing up after every meal, trying to eat as little as I possibly could. I started loosing a LOT of hair, I felt sick constantly, but the fear of getting caught in the act of throwing up also made me feel alive somehow. I am not here to promote eating disorders, I´d rather spread awareness about the illness itself.
Eating disorders kill.
So I started taking vitamins to help with my hair, with didn't help at all, because I still wasn't getting the nutrition that I needed. I also couldn't sleep at night, I slept four hours at best SOME nights. The nights were the worst, they still are, but with time is becomes easier.
Before my eating disorder started i weighed 53 kg. which is a healthy weight for a girl my age and height ( I was 165 cm. still am btw ) so I went from 53 kg. to 41 kg. it may not sound like a severe eating disorder for some of you, but no matter how bad it is, it is something that you need to “fix” immediately. All through my disorder I knew it was wrong what I was doing, but I was certain I could control it, but it is hard once you are in it, because somehow you get addicted. I loved feeling my ribs stick out, I loved you could feel the bones sticking out in most of my body, it was something I would brag about. But one day I got stuck up with people saying negative things about my body, I would get body shamed all the time, and I still do even though I´ve gained four kg.
At one point I had a boyfriend and he would drag me all day about how thin I was, and he would hate on self harm scars. So I started working out for him. I didn't start eating more or stop throwing up, I just wanted to build myself up for him. But working out or doing anything else for someone else is never going to work unless you do it for yourself.
I started going to therapy which did not help at all, because I wouldn't listen. This was something I had to figure out for myself, and I did after a long time, a lot of effort. I realised I needed to get healthy for me not someone else, so I dumped his sorry ass, and got in shape for ME and noone else. I wish I could say I don´t ever get disappointed when I look at myself in the mirror, because I do sometimes, but with time I am proud to say the days where that happens get fewer and fewer. I am proud to say today that i would proudly walk down on the beach in my small bikini and show everyone my battlescars. Even though I can't say that everyday, I CAN say that I am proud to be me, and I am truly happen. I know one day I can truly say I am free of any disorder, and I know that day will be soon. I wanna say to those few reading that anyone can overcome the pressure of society. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I would be happy to help anyone through it. I know it's tough, but you can be happy, if you decide to be!