Trying something new. Lately my mind has been generating negative thoughts. Depression is starting to win and it's getting harder and harder to face a new day. I am in physical pain because of heartbreak. This is my escape. I would be honoured if it became yours too. I hope you find a bit of whatever you're looking for in the words I write. I hope you live to achieve your dreams and find fulfilment. I hope you do beautiful things. You are all beautiful. Your mind is limitless and I can't wait to hear the beautiful words you say in that accent you hate, but the world can't get enough of. I am no one, I am here to give to you in return for all you have to give to the world. It's not all valleys in the stuff I write, there a lot of mountaintops. There's a lot of beauty in my life. The family and friends I have, the places I've been, the places I call home. Life's all about those ups and downs, and this is my way of coping with them; by writing what I'm feeling. May sound not so pleasant now, but I know it'll get better. Follow me on this journey. I'm both terrified and excited to share the words I've wrote.

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This was after those 3 simultaneous attacks in London, I was getting the tube home as it was happening.

Sorry to write that super long message, I'm probably just overreacting. this sounds super cliche, and of course I knew I'd be fine, but in my head I was just thinking about how I ended every conversation before I got in the tube. And i just kept regretting not calling this person or that person. Not texting that person or not telling that person how I feel. It's crazy. People just need to really love the people they love. I need to learn to hug people and let them know I love them. I need to kiss my mom and sister when I leave and I need to hug my dad and brothers. I need to actually say I love you. It's something I know I feel but it's hard for me to say face to face. We're living such fast paced lives that sometimes we forget stuff like that. Time goes by so fast, catching flights every month, we don't notice the time between the last hug and last kiss and last "I love you". I don't know where I'm going with this sorry. At 3AM my writing gets shitty and my emotions get strong. Just gotta work on letting the people I appreciate know I appreciate them.

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I'm sorry I couldn't be taller. I'm sorry I don't drink or smoke. I'm sorry clubbing isn't my thing. I'm sorry I won't blow my parents money to do things I don't enjoy. I'm sorry I don't have a perfect smile. I never really get my hair to look just right. I'm sorry I stay up till 4AM and wake up at 7AM when you're trying to sleep.

I guess all I can offer you is my words. My thoughts. All of the passion I have. All of the love I have for you. The love I have for the way the sunrise hits your pale hazel eyes through the floor-to-ceilings windows. The love that grows stronger with every fucking stroke of this chewed up pen writing love letters left around the flat. I guess all I could really offer is all I have to offer (no shit Matt).

I wish I could offer you the world, but all I can offer you is my world. Sadly, it's probably not enough.

Sorry I'll never be enough.


All of this is for you.
All of this was for you.

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I've been thinking for the past 3 weeks what I should write for my first post. I wanted to introduce myself, I wanted to talk about what I want out of this medium. I don't know. It's 3:10AM, I'm feeling too much and I feel like I should write.

My name is Matt. I'm 20. I don't know how to explain myself. I don't mean that in a edgy "I can't put a label on what I do because I'm a visionary" way, I mean that in a I'm just trying to figure out what works for me and I'm still learning. I'm still learning about myself. I'm learning who I am, and who I am definitely not. I like to write to clear my mind, I keep it to myself in my notes or on a hidden pages file on my MacBook...

Until now.
Now I'm an open book, my heart and mind has found solace in this glass house that is nouw. At least I hope so. I've been super fortunate to live the life I live and love the people I love. But in the last year, somehow in between going to more countries in 3 months than I've been in m whole life, and launching a brand with two of the most important people in my life, I've also managed to hit lows. I've treated myself like shit. I've burned bridges (for good, and for bad), I've had my heart broken so fucking badly. I've been abandoned at times when I needed people the most. I've felt homesick and heartbreak to the point where it physically hurt. I don't know. This past school year hasn't been the best.

But in a month and a half a new one starts and I hope it's better. I hope to post on this frequently (i probably will) and I hope whoever reads this finds something they're looking for in the words I write. I'll post poetry, random waffles of emotion, travel stuff, a lot of photo shoots and all of that. I honestly don't fucking know. I'm lost and going nowhere fast. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

Do what you've got to do to be the best you, this is me doing what I think I need to do to be the best me.

Still trying, still learning.
-matt


xx
Sorry for the shit first post. I'll probably end up deleting it and writing a proper one thank you to whoever reads this.

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