School started again. I don't know how I feel, I guess I'm happy to see my friends and stuff, but I don't know. I just feel so out of energy and sad most of the time, just like how I felt when my mom first passed away. Could be the fact that it's almost the 2 year anniversary, but I don't know. I just feel lost, sometimes even suicidal.

The thing is that I really, REALLY, would love to talk to someone about it, but I can't. It would only cause more trouble and put my dad in a really bad situation, and I don't feel like doing that. I'd rather be suffering in silence than to let my family down. It's just that sometimes the thoughts really get to me and I hate not being able to just pour my feelings out. I'm afraid that I'll do something stupid someday, although I've been convincing myself that that won't happen. Although sometimes I don't really care to watch the road when crossing, and I don't really care if I've been eating or not. I even started self harming again after a few years of being clean, and I don't know what triggered it but it felt so good at the moment. Might've been the fact that I found my old razor in my old hiding place, but that doesn't excuse my actions. And yes, if course I regretted it right after even if it felt good at the moment.

Honestly, shit just sucks right now. I feel more fucked up than ever, and I don't know who to talk to or how to get out of this situation. I just wish my mom was here. I miss her so much, her laugh, her jokes, our movie nights, our conversations, our mornings together, just her presence. I've just now come to realize that she's actually gone, two years later. I feel so broken and I just want her to be by my side more than anything.

I just don't know anymore.

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I can't help but to think how much I disappoint my dad everyday. I'm irresponsible and lazy, I'm too depressed to go out and do anything, and on top of that I look, act, and dress like a guy when I really should not. He told me that I as a biological female should do what females do, and I've come to terms that maybe he's right. Maybe being trans is wrong, at least for me. It isn't in our culture and I was wrong to think he'd ever accept me. I am and forever will be trans, but I don't think I'll ever transition. Maybe it's for the best though, I'd rather see him happy than heartbroken, and I'd rather be uncomfortable my entire life than making myself happy, 'cause I'd rather make him happy. I wanna make him happy 'cause he's all I have and I hate to disappoint him. I hate that he's ashamed to go out with me, 'cause I know he is, 'cause his friends mistake me for being a guy. I hate how much of a failure I am.

But imma fix that. I'm gonna lay everything that has to do with trans behind my back, maybe even grow my hair out again. Tell my friends that I've come out to that I was just confused about my gender and that I feel like a female. Anything to make him and the rest of my family proud of me, at least for once. As much as it hurts me, it's gonna make my family happy, and that's what's important.

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I grew up in a sort of isolated part of my town. I moved there when I was 6, and I still remember the excitement I felt when I saw our noticeably bigger apartment like it was yesterday. Although the apartment grew smaller and the emotions grew darker with the years that went by, I will still cherish the good memories I had with my parents for the brief moments they lasted.

It's weird how quickly stuff changes though. I lived there from when I was 6 until I was 15, and every time we drive by there it feels as if nothing has changed at all. Sometimes I can swear I still see my mom looking out the window or sitting on the balcony while my dad and I would go grocery shopping. I still see her sitting on the bench with her best friend in the fields while my friends and I would go by the small river and play. I still see her smile and laugh while watching her favorite shows or playing candy crush on the iPad. Sometimes I swear she's still there, even though I know it's not true. She's gone now, and those visions will forever only be memories.

After mom died my dad and I decided to move back to the neighbourhood where I spent the first 6 years of my life. It was as if nothing ever changed and I was a kid once again. I was genuinely happy, and I feel like it was one of the best decisions we could've done. I think that mom would be happy too, and that's what matters to me.

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I don't know why I had the sudden urge to do this, but here I am. I'm not a very literate person nor am I trying to be, but I'll try my best to do as good as I can on my posts. But let's start with some info, as that's always good to know.

 I will be keeping my identity anonymous, but what I can say is that I'm a 17 year old trans dude with middle eastern parents living in Sweden. Very specific when I want to keep my identity hidden, you may think, but whatever. I enjoy listening to music, drawing, and gaming. I usually spend a lot of time watching series too, although not as often as previously said hobbies.

 Hopefully, whoever's reading this, will enjoy my posts I guess. And hopefully, I'll get some of my emotions out when writing. We'll just wait and see I guess.

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