​Min vän är kall.

Min vän är hård.

Min vän är gjord av metall.

När jag drar min vän över armen ger den mig tröst.

När jag drar min vän över armen gör den vacker konst.

Rött rinner som en långsam flod nedför armen och droppar ned.

Det stinger alltid i början men min vän vill inte skada mig.

Min vän påminner mig bara om att jag är vid liv.


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jag gjorde det igen och det gjorde ont.

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"Hej" sa du långsamt det rullade ut på din tungspets och stannade där. Du hade din gamla jeansjacka. Den där som du ärvt av din pappa. Den var smutsig och sliten av alla sommarkvällarna du rullat runt på gräset och bara kollat upp mot stjärnhimlen. Carmen av Lana Del Rey hörs tyst i bakgrunden. Jag nynnar till sångtexten och gungar till musiken. "Underbar kväll". Det var det sista du sa till mig, 

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​Ironiskt nog skaffade jag Tinder. Hmm vad tycker jag egentligen om den så kallade dejting-appen. Jag vet inte 1. Jag känner mig sårbar, då jag lägger ut en bild på mig, på mitt utseende, låter andra människor bedöma mitt utseende och ta ett beslut. 2. Lyckan när man matchar med en snygg kille/tjej är underbar man känner sig bekräftad. 3. Jag känner ändå att detta är en ganska beroende framkallande app så vi får se om jag behåller den. 

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Klockan är 22:39 och jag ligger ner på mage med kudden under brösten som stöd. Skärmen lyser upp mitt ansikte och jag kollar mig i spegeln på andra sidan rummet. Det enda som hörs är klickandet från tangentbordet. Det är ett slags lugn nu på kvällen och det ger mig inspiration till att skriva febrilt. Har sett många bloggare som skriver, många fina texter som jag uppskattar mycket. Tycker inte att jag skriver så särskilt bra men jag tycker om att samla mina tankar på en och samma plats. Bloggen är det enda sättet som funkar, dagbok har jag provat men det slutar alltid med ett tomt block med två sidor ifyllda. Jag ligger här och tänker på allt mellan himmel och jord. Nuförtiden har jag börjat tänka mer och mer på kärlek. Konstigt, jag som låtsas vara en stor skeptiker av kärlek men här är jag som en förälskad drömmare som lever mig in i kärlekens värld. Det förvånar mig hur lätt vissa personer hittar kärleken medan vissa inte alls hittar den. Den kan vara en meter ifrån dig eller en världsdel bort. Du kan välja att omfamna den eller att avfärda den. Nu när jag väl är inne i kärleks svamlet kan jag ta upp min dikt som jag skrev i åttan har jag för mig. Vi fick en uppgift i skolan att skriva en kärleksdikt, antingen lycklig eller olycklig kärlek. De flesta valde olycklig, för det är den enklaste kärleken att skriva om men jag valde lycklig. Jag kommer ihåg att jag valde blått bakgrundspapper som skulle motsvara himlen, kanske som en metafor för "jag är hög på livet". Sedan klippte jag flera moln som jag klistrade på och sist men inte minst kastade jag på glitter. Jag var så nöjd och glad över dikten. Jag skrev den till min första kärlek om man kalla det för det. Han gick i klassen över oss men jag hade aldrig pratat med honom, så jag hade i princip blivit kär i hans utseende. Vilket jag i nuläget inser är fel och att jag nog inte var kär i honom.

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You know the feeling when you're a small kid and you are so innocent and dumb. You don't know anything that's happening around you. You just walk on a happy cloud not knowing anything. You think everything is perfect especially your parents. That they know and have figured out everything. That they have their whole life figured out. But when you get older you notice the tired bags under your mums eyes, that your father haven't buyed a small appartment because they wanted two houses, that your father sometimes slept in the guest room, that your mother hid pills in her drawer and that she cried herself to sleep. You didn't know those things and that's one of the things that follows you when you grow up. You see that your parents aren't the perfect family and you noticed that they are infact flawed. But you love them either way and that's ok. Just because you're 50 years old you don't have to have everything figured out, you don't have to look perfect infront of your kids. It's ok because eventually they will understand that no one is perfect.

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Love is such a strange feeling. Everyone wants to feel it. Sometimes it takes your whole life to feel it and sometimes you don't even have to look for it. Some people feel it thousands of times and some feel it once. It's beautiful and it's special. You pour your whole life and soul into someone elses. You rely on them and you feel comfortable with them at any cost. When you have that "love" feeling you never want to not feel it. It's like a drug and maybe you will over use it. What happens then? Does the feelings fade or even go away, or do they get deeper. Love can tear you appart and it can also patch you up. It can be postive if it's love from both sides and it can be negative and heartbreaking if it's unfortunate love.

But even though it has it's negative sides love is such a beautiful thing to feel, once or multipel times. Every human being does feel it and it's amazing. You learn from love, you develop from love and you get hapiness from love.

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My brother is the most annoying human being. I have never felt such a strong hate feeling against any human being except for him. I can't stand him for even five secconds. He is a pain in the ... If i could I would never want to see him and maybe you will think that the problem is me but I will say fuck that. I'm not in the mood of accusing tones saying that I am the issue. My mom can't se how he is. It's like she is closing her eyes for what he does. I hate her for that and I try to be nice to her but it's impossible.

That's where my anger issues come up. Yes I have them and maybe they are very strong but It's not my fault that I have become this way. I'm not going to point fingers but what can I say it can only come from one place. I have done some stupid things when I get angry but that did not hurt someone else in a physical way, only me. So I don't see any wrong in that and that's way I lied to the psychologist. Nothing wrong with that if you have been forced to go to her anyway.

When I write this you are going to think I am the problem but I am not. I promise you that. It's just that I get angry because I have always been trying to be the "perfect" kind of daughter, if there is a kind of that. Do you think my parents ever say something about that? No they don't. I wasn't the one who got awards and encouriging stuff to not do bad staff. He always is their favourite and that is never going to change, sadly. So should I accept that and not give a shit any more, I'm 18 soon and can leave them all behind me and start a new life or should I be angry at them in secret and be passive-aggressive?

Hard to know which one. Either one of them is going to ruin my relationship with them. Even though I never say this I am always going to love them or they are going to have a special place in my heart. Maybe it's for the best to live them, that's the selfish advice and only time I should have the right to be selfish. Only one time.


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Lately I've been writing novels. A lot of novels about love and my life but I use alteregos. All my friends are finding love except for me. What have I done wrong. Maybe I am ugly, disgusting or just plain old boring? What is it that makes me friendly but not more than that?

Ok, maybe I push people away because I am afraid of embrasses and closeness. Maybe I am scared of love of the thing I have heard things about but never really myself have experienced. I want to feel love, I want to crave someone and I want that someone to crave me. I want to feel real closeness and I want to be able to open up completly.

My friends have all been using different things to get love. Two have tinder, which i have considered. But I am too afraid and a coward because I don't want to put me in a position were I can be seen. I will always be the one that is invisible. Nothing more, never want to draw attention to me. But maybe I should grow a pair or scratch that because balls aren't strong they are sensitive and can be hurt very easily. I would say that I should grow a vagina because a vagina can take some slamming and dunking. A vagina is strong and tuff. That's my way to say that I should get Tinder.

Hmm let me think about the Tinder situation and maybe I will reconsider it. Maybe I will download it and meet someone. Maybe a one night stand or something more. Who knows.

See you in a bit!

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