I'm about to write something that has made a huge impact on me as a person and the fact that I'm scared to be alone at all times. I'm not writing for pity, I'm writing because I want to get this off my chest since it's not something I usually tell people. I'm done with fighting this on my own even though I have to, but maybe it's good for people to know as well.
It all started in 2013 when I was getting a haircut (!) before prom and graduation. I stood up for some time while the hairdresser was cutting my long hair, and then all of a sudden I couldn't breath. There was a loud beep in my ears the whole time and I felt like I had to throw up. I was sweating a lot. And I almost fell, so she had to stop cutting my hair and get me to sit down and get me some water. I thought I'd been standing up for too long so that's probably why it happened.
It kept coming back, without a warning and within a minute I could be lying on the floor all passed out.
The scariest moment was when I was going home from a friend in Helsingborg. I was waiting for the train down at the platform and I felt it coming. Again - couldn't breath, loud noises in my ears, started sweating, the feeling to throw up and the dizziness in my head as well. I went to grab my water bottle in my bag but I was too slow and just passed out like that. I fell from just standing and I was laying down on the dirty stone floor. Fortunately, I didn't hurt myself more than a bump on the head.
A man and his girlfriend touched me gently and asked "Hello? Are you okay? Should we call someone?". I gave them my phone to call my dad because right after it happens I'm so weak and my muscles aren't working - and I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. A man who was taking the same train followed me and sat by me to make sure I was okay until I came home. Dad picked me up at the train station and when I went into the car I cried so much. I was terrified this might kill me, and that's when I had enough. What if I had passed out when I was about to board the train and fell down right before it arrived to the platform? I'd be dead.
We went to the hospital and I had to wait for hours. Right there, they couldn't do anything so they sent me a paper of when I had a new time for investigations. Since I had planned my bartending course in NYC that fall, I had to wait 4-5 months before they could do one of the tests on me. Before I went to NYC I had these electrodes all over my chest for 48 hours to do an ECG test (where they check for problems of the activitity of the heart) and I had to report everything I did and ate etc.
The other test happened and I almost passed out during it and found out my blood pressure is usually really low. You pass out at 60, and mine is at 95-100 normally. To my disappointment they told me "we think you handle your faintings good yourself so there's nothing we can really do".....
At that time I was a vegetarian so we started speculating whether it was the food or what it could be. Maybe I didn't get enough protein or certain vitamins. Even though I hated just the thought of it, I began to eat meat again and it disappeared for a long time. And now it's back again. It happened in Philippines at my uncle's funeral, it happened in Sunny Beach as well and since I was really drunk, I ran away crying, not being able to breath and my boss went after me. He asked me what happened and why I haven't told them before. Honestly I didn't think it would happen and I felt so ashamed drawing so much attention when there were loads of people around and I was a drunk, crying mess.
It happened yesterday as well in the metro from Copenhagen to the Copenhagen Airport so I had to sit down. All the time on my way home to Malmö from my first bar shift in Copenhagen - I couldn't breath, and that usually never happens. I was scared and called my dad and today I told him I wanted to investigate this again. I can not cope with this. It takes too much energy and I want to be able to live my life without being afraid of being alone because it might actually happen.
Losing all control of your body isn't really funny when you're at someone's party, or a funeral or just on a vacation. And definitely not when you're at work.