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Wazza. I called in sick this morning as I'm feeling like shit so I've basically just been laying in bed all day watching series. I've finally started catching up with The Vampire Diaries again and my God, it's so exciting!!! My piercing is itching as hell too, but it's probably just because it's healing.

Oh btw, I've also made an appointment for a life changer for me. What it is, you'll have to see after the 31st of March hehe. People who know me will understand.

Otherwise, my diet's going well I'd say. It's very difficult for me to control what I eat since I love food so much but, I've become better from this! I don't know how much weight I've lost yet but I can definitely see results already which keeps me more motivated :) Bless xx

Btw, old picture. I do not look this fresh when I'm sick, haha.

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Woop. I've gotten a lot of things done today even though I've been at work. Had an appointment in Sweden so had to go back in the middle of work, and since I've finally gotten my Danish salary I've bought a flight ticket, booked an appointment for Saturday to FINALLY get my belly button pierced (yes, you read it right) and to top it of, I did a little shopping for the coming summer :)

I've also started my new diet today and will be doing it for three weeks just to see results and if it's good, I might keep doing it. The alternative is to switch to another diet where I can eat less but also things I like and combine it with workout.

Tomorrow awaits another day of work and then a bar meeting with Bar Gruppen in Cph. Bless xx

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Another successful night out in Copenhagen this Friday. Another bar shift at Aloha and another cozy Sunday at Jonna's. Good weekend even though drunk Maria crossed some lines that she shouldn't have. There's nothing I can do about it so let's just move on, ey?

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Hiya. Both Anna and I have been feeling so stressed this week due to our cpr-numbers not arriving yet, but today was actually a good day. We were told that we needed to get a bank account THIS WEEK in order to get our salary this month (and for that we need the cpr-numbers...). Luckily, I got mine yesterday and hopefully Anna will get hers tomorrow. I went to the bank yesterday and as I got there they told me I needed to book an appointment to get a bank account (or that I could apply for one online, so I did and got it today).

Everything has been so frustrating and complicated lately and it's been draining me on so much energy. But what I WILL look forward to is getting this month's salary and also that I'm treating myself with a new computer at the end of the month. Which one it'll be you may or may not find out later. It's about time though since mine's about to die and also too big and heavy to travel with.

Again, nothing really interesting but I'm also just updating for myself so :) Bless xx

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Hiya. Just wanted to make an update for my future self in case I'd like to look back. After all, that is why I'm writing my blog, haha.

So I'm currently working in Copenhagen and Malmö but will from the 6th of February only be working in Copenhagen. Working as a bartender at a Hawaii-inspired bar and will be working in a Customer Care Center soon together with one of my Swedish colleagues from Sunny Beach as well. It's going pretty good for me right now and I can't wait for the day I'm actually moving to this city.

I'm going to have to wait with that for a while though because of different reasons, but I think this year is going to be amazing if it just keeps up like this! I've just applied for a cpr-number (Danish personal identity number) and all those things you need to be working in Denmark so you might as well call me Danish soon... Kidding of course ;)

Bless xx

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I'm about to write something that has made a huge impact on me as a person and the fact that I'm scared to be alone at all times. I'm not writing for pity, I'm writing because I want to get this off my chest since it's not something I usually tell people. I'm done with fighting this on my own even though I have to, but maybe it's good for people to know as well.

It all started in 2013 when I was getting a haircut (!) before prom and graduation. I stood up for some time while the hairdresser was cutting my long hair, and then all of a sudden I couldn't breath. There was a loud beep in my ears the whole time and I felt like I had to throw up. I was sweating a lot. And I almost fell, so she had to stop cutting my hair and get me to sit down and get me some water. I thought I'd been standing up for too long so that's probably why it happened.

It kept coming back, without a warning and within a minute I could be lying on the floor all passed out.

The scariest moment was when I was going home from a friend in Helsingborg. I was waiting for the train down at the platform and I felt it coming. Again - couldn't breath, loud noises in my ears, started sweating, the feeling to throw up and the dizziness in my head as well. I went to grab my water bottle in my bag but I was too slow and just passed out like that. I fell from just standing and I was laying down on the dirty stone floor. Fortunately, I didn't hurt myself more than a bump on the head.

A man and his girlfriend touched me gently and asked "Hello? Are you okay? Should we call someone?". I gave them my phone to call my dad because right after it happens I'm so weak and my muscles aren't working - and I'm exhausted for the rest of the day. A man who was taking the same train followed me and sat by me to make sure I was okay until I came home. Dad picked me up at the train station and when I went into the car I cried so much. I was terrified this might kill me, and that's when I had enough. What if I had passed out when I was about to board the train and fell down right before it arrived to the platform? I'd be dead.

We went to the hospital and I had to wait for hours. Right there, they couldn't do anything so they sent me a paper of when I had a new time for investigations. Since I had planned my bartending course in NYC that fall, I had to wait 4-5 months before they could do one of the tests on me. Before I went to NYC I had these electrodes all over my chest for 48 hours to do an ECG test (where they check for problems of the activitity of the heart) and I had to report everything I did and ate etc.

The other test happened and I almost passed out during it and found out my blood pressure is usually really low. You pass out at 60, and mine is at 95-100 normally. To my disappointment they told me "we think you handle your faintings good yourself so there's nothing we can really do".....

At that time I was a vegetarian so we started speculating whether it was the food or what it could be. Maybe I didn't get enough protein or certain vitamins. Even though I hated just the thought of it, I began to eat meat again and it disappeared for a long time. And now it's back again. It happened in Philippines at my uncle's funeral, it happened in Sunny Beach as well and since I was really drunk, I ran away crying, not being able to breath and my boss went after me. He asked me what happened and why I haven't told them before. Honestly I didn't think it would happen and I felt so ashamed drawing so much attention when there were loads of people around and I was a drunk, crying mess.

It happened yesterday as well in the metro from Copenhagen to the Copenhagen Airport so I had to sit down. All the time on my way home to Malmö from my first bar shift in Copenhagen - I couldn't breath, and that usually never happens. I was scared and called my dad and today I told him I wanted to investigate this again. I can not cope with this. It takes too much energy and I want to be able to live my life without being afraid of being alone because it might actually happen.

Losing all control of your body isn't really funny when you're at someone's party, or a funeral or just on a vacation. And definitely not when you're at work.

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I know I've been very absent, but I honestly think that after seven years of blogging it's okay. Most of what's happened in my life right now is I've been spending a lot of time with Jonna, both at her place and at Stereo Bar in Copenhagen. And then I've been to Philippines and I think you all know why by now. Otherwise, I've been working and actually been to lazy to update. Especially when there's not much to update about.

A couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure whether to continue blogging or not. I feel like I've been doing it for such a long time now and I don't really have the time for it anymore. It's definitely not a priority nowadays due to work, series, workout and my social life.

I'm not going to close it though. I'll let it be open for whenever I do have time for it and when I have something I want to update about. I'll just let you know that as you've noticed it's not going to be updated very often, sad to say.

ANYWAYS! Today all the bartending ladies from Viking in Sunny have a Christmas Dinner in Copenhagen and then we'll meet the gentlemen at Stereo Bar. Been longing for this day so long now. Going to be crazy and I need this. Bless xx

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It's true what I wrote before. Every bad thing that happens in my life right now affects me so much. Even if it's just a small thing, I can't handle it. Last time it occurred was today.

I am not constantly sad because of the murder of my uncle. I enjoy the good times, and some days I laugh so much and just enjoy life in general, because life is good after all. Even if it's absolutely heartbreakingly unfair at times.

But there are also so many times that I can't stop thinking about it and I cry. I cry so much because I know he didn't deserve what happened to him. And it hurts my soul knowing who did it. It hurts knowing I will actually never see him again and share our jokes and laughs together. It fucking hurts. Last time I cried was today and of course I have breakdowns.

I am home now and I don't know how work is going to be for me from now on, but I imagine it will be challenging. Just as it was before when I had found out and still had to work. He is basically everything I think of, even when I'm trying not to.

Please give me strength to face this reality 😔🙏

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A week ago today I received a phone call from my mom, crying her eyes out, while I was getting ready to go out and have some fun. "They've found him", she said. "Murdered", she continued, and as I heard the news the whole world stopped for a minute. I was paralyzed and I didn't believe her. I still can't believe he's gone.

Somebody took my uncle away from me. From us. The one who brought so much joy and laughter to the world is gone.
Personally, I don't know how to handle and tackle things like this, and I probably never will either. Right there and then when I found out, all I wanted was to become drunk so I didn't have to think about it and then wake up where everything would be back to normal. I wanted it to be a nightmare I could escape from. I can't escape. This is haunting me. I'm already afraid of going home alone when it's dark outside. After this.... I am absolutely terrified. I have nightmares every single night and I wake up in panic every time. They're not pretty.

I wish that we would have gotten to see each other more often and share more laughs as you always had hilarious jokes and a contagious laughter. I wish I would've told you more times that I love you. I wish for you to have justice for your brutal death and also that I would get the pictures of you dead out of my head. I don't want to come back to the Philippines without you greeting me at the airport, but what choice do I have? My heart is in pieces.

HOW AM I COPING? / HOW AM I?

I'm really trying but I am not strong at all. I can't work without having tears in my eyes every day. I am so vulnerable right now, with all right to be. Every bad thing that happens in my life right now, whether it is at work, at home or whatever, affects me so much because of where I am right now. It's a dark place and I don't wish this for anyone. I am not fine. I'm not gonna be fine again. I'm just going to learn how to live with that hole in my life from now on.

Again, I hope for justice. What really gives one the right to live when they've taken someone else's life? Tita Flora, I will always love you. I will never forget you since you've given me so much to remember. "Maria, you want to go to toooown?!"

#justiceforflorence

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