Hi! It's been a long time since I've done this, so we'll have to see if I remember how this is done.
Anxiety. The only word that possibly could describe my last two days. Sometimes I don't seem to know why I feel the way I feel. It just feels like one thing goes wrong, then another and just like dominos the rest of your world comes tumbling down. It don't have to be big things, but when you have anxiety, and you put yourself in the smallest of boxes, the tiniest thing can seem so big. When anxiety becomes the case for me, I always carry this big lump of worry and stress around. I can't breathe, I can't calm down. And as one could guess, my body ofcourse reacts to this. The adrenaline rushes through my body like an emergency is constantly around. I try and try to reason with myself. But I cant't find a solution. So I seem to change tactics, instead I'll be searching, searching for the root of all of my emotions. But just like the many times before, there's no logic behind it all. I keep reciting the same calming mantra again and again. Still no luck. I keep torturing myself by remembering the struggles of yesterday, reminding myself about the feelings and thoughts of which I cried. They are suposed to be solved. I've already solved them. I know I have. But once again they are there ...
... I don’t know what to tell myself. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t know what to tell everyone else. I don’t know how to be okay with this. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to get over this. There are so many things which I don’t know. Know how to feel about. Know how to take care of. I’m just so lost. Words can’t seem to help me in this situation. Actions can’t seem to help either. Reasoning is not going to explain. Where things don’t have an answer, a question instead seem to arisen. How is one girl, with a limited imagination and only so, so much understanding, suposed to survive.
So at this stage of anxiety, I go to my happy place. Trying to forget the past, pushing down my anxiety and looking forward. There's a lot of beautiful things yet to come. I will welcome them all with open arms.