​10/23-11

As I was sitting in my patio, surrounded by a petrichor scent from wet trees, sipping on my lavender green tea, whilst the birds were humming I could not help the tears. 4 months. 4 long months since my Amy, my angel, my daughter was raised to the heavens. Remembering the memories with her makes my heart ache. But what keeps my heart at ease is knowing that she is at a better place. Far, far from the pain this world was causing her soul. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. The day I received the call. Whilst reading the newspaper, listening to the tinkling sounds as the rain drops battered the window, my phone rang. Andrew Morris. A call I do not receive often.

‘’Hello? Andrew? How is it going, I have been wanting to spe..’’

‘’Mr. Winehouse, I am at the house, but Amy’’ he stopped.

‘’Amy what? What are you saying Andrew?’’

‘’I…’’

‘’Speak clearly Andrew! What are you trying to say?’’

‘’She..She is no longer..’’ he mumbled.

I shut my eyes. Not wanting to hear the rest, he continued:

‘' I’m sorry. She is no longer with us’’.

Since then, my heart has been split into two pieces; one piece filled with memories, the other piece dyed with her. Everyday, I am constantly being reminded by Amy. Driving past the old house in Southgate London, I cannot help but hear her heartwarming laugh as she chases her brother around the house. Strolling past the park reminds me of her whining whilst stomping the floor furiously, as she eagerly insisted on going to the park to play with the birds, everyday after work. You see, remembering Amy is easy, I do it everyday. But missing her is a heartache that never goes away.


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A text from my Amy's diary ...

“The place is quiet, there is no sound and I can only feel the wind blowing from the left of my side. I can't see any happy colours, only headstones with names and dates. Just standing there and looking what's in front of me, I can almost see millions of headstones in front of me. I can see the pictures of people, kids, teenagers, heroes that died in the war. The feeling of sadness can’t be described easily. The people in the pictures are not standing, they are laying down deep down in the ground where it's quite. Hoping they hear their loved ones and the prayers sent to them. The sun is shining and the cars driving around to find their loved ones. I myself have a loved one, he's very important to me and I could do anything for him. But why is he doing this to me? He just needs to say it, say what he wants from me .”


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Another text from my Amy's diary...

"Everything was a lie, everything I believed in was a lie. I did everything for him, I loved him and he loved me, but it turns out that I was dreaming. I was so deep in my dream that I didn't want to realise what was true. I felt joy from taking the substance and believed it was the right thing to do, he was there and supported me. I've finally realised that I wasn't happy at all, I was depressed and that made me continue do what I shouldn't do.”


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The days leading up to christmas.

It has now been almost 7 months since my dearest Amy past away. Christmas is getting close and as I have brought up christmas decoration I also brought up a lot of memories. Memories that remind me of her. It hurts everytime I think about her. Amy brought so much light into my life and was always my biggest supporter. Even after I left her mother for another woman and did not care to see her, she always forgave and forgot my past mistakes. It was not easy at first but after a while we were back to as if nothing had happened. Yesterday I went down to the basement in our house in Southgate to get our old christmas decorations and that's when I found Amy's little angel ornament. I couldn't hold it in. I blinked and I was on my knees sobbing. It was like my whole world stopped and I was in a trans. It was truly a outer body experience. I could feel my surrounding. Falling to my knees did not feel like anything. All that came to my head was pictures of that day. It feels like I was there. The 22th of december 1989. I remember Amy being around 6 years old and we had gone to an antique store in London called Northcote Road Antiques Market. I had a meeting and Amy wanted to come with me so I left her in the shop whilst I had my meeting for about 15 minutes and when I came back Amy had a basket of objects she wanted to get and I said you can pick one thing. So she picked that ornament. That ornament has so many memories. With us together as a family!

There were so many moments of her live that I missed and I wish that I could take back. I wish more than anything upon this earth to just be there again in that shop with her. Hug her, hold her hand feel her warmth. This ornament represented everything that was happy in my life, my little innocent girl and my family. However things that did not represent happiness was things that I found in Amy's apartment after she passes away. I didn't write about this incident in my diary because I wasn't ready. Or I still don’t think I am but here it goes. The other day when I was in Amy's apartment that I have not cleaned out yet because truthfully it hurts to much. No one but me enters that apartment and no one touches anything in there. Frankly I am scared. I don't know what i'm scared of but there is something deep in my gut telling me to leave everything because that is the last piece of memory that I have of her. If I touch anything it will all be changed and she will be gone forever. However there are things in that apartment that I wish that I could burn. Alcohol, needles that murdered my little Amy and they lie there without punishment. These venoms needles that just lie there on her bathroom floor represent manipulation, horror, dispar, altitude multiple things that took a tole on my Amy and killed her. I looked at Amy's laptop. From this laptop she must have read horrific things about herself in. Seen pictures of herself in a undescribable shape. This laptop is almost as poisonous as those murderous needles. In this laptop she received hate, dismay, criticism about how she looked how she sings everything wrong about her she must have read though social media. Which also must have killed her mentally. Even though she might not have cared for it at first it is like an advertisement. Watching it over and over again makes you believe that you need that product, or in my Amy's case reading comments about herself leading to herself believe that she is all of those things which she is not. I wish I could go back. Back to a place where we were closer and maybe I could have saved her and I wouldn't be setting in my room sobbing over the past. I could have protected her from all the “haters out there”. But I can not hope to believe that she truly is in a better place. Maybe she is safer up there. Where no social media can touch her. No one behind a computer can write things about her without her and making her feel bad about herself. It’s only been 6 months but I think about her constantly. She is always in on my mind, right there and I want to hug her close my eyes and be with her but I cant I cant go back I have to look forward to survive in this dog eats dog world where no one is safe anymore.

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In 2005, Amy’s alcohol dependence became public. After this event the things just start to get worse, amy was arrested 2 times because of drugs and in 2006 at a concert in Santa Luiza she took the stage not remembering a song. But not everything is lost.

A man, Blake Fielder-Civil, that Amy met years ago at a nightclub, appeared in Amy’s life again. Amy and Blake start a relationship. This relationship is going really well, Amy fall in love and this help with her problems with drugs and alcohol.

In 2008 in Las Vegas they get married, however I and amy’s family aren’t agree with this decision because Blake isn’t the best man for she. The reason is because Blake is relation with drugs and the same time that he help Amy with her problem he can influence her to use more drugs.

Together they had a great time for one and a half year, everything changed when Blake was arrested for possession of drugs. Months later Blake get out of the prison and start to accuse Amy of treason. Amy became really upset with this false accusations and both agree with separation.

Right after the separation Blake came back for his old girlfriend. Amy became more and more upset with the situation and to get worse she start to be press by her business owners because they need new songs for her new album. She start to express herself on the songs, one of her best music was the one that she write about her relationship with Blake, “back to Black”. Compose music wasn’t enough to help Amy with the break up, she still in love with Blake and the pressure for the new album is only increasing.


This talented woman is freaking out with all this things happening in her life. How Amy already have contact with drugs and alcohol this situation make she started use more drugs and drink a high amount of alcohol.

Amy’s career is totally shaken, she needs to cancelled presentations because she is drunk and can’t sing. At this point, me and her business owners try to convince her to go to rehab. After many attempts I convince her to go but this didn’t helped her so much because she doesn’t want tratament.

She writing now only songs expressing herself about how she feel with drugs and rehab. The song that she is working now is about she go to rehab, the song tell that she see that I like to help her but she doesn’t help, she is happy how she is now.

After this song became er new hit she came to me and tell me that she doesn’t want this career anymore. She told me: “I give up, I can’t do this anymore”. She stops to sing but she continous famous and having her life exposed. The news show a lot of picture and report about she using a lot of drugs and drunk on the street.

Some nights late Amy became complete crazy with all her life and she starts to drink all night until she fall asleep. On the next day, I went in her apartment to talk to her and I saw a body on the living room floor with several empty bottles close to the body. I seeing my daughter dead because of alcohol on her house make me think about “What kind of dad I am?” and “Why I didn’t try to help her?”. But now is too late to change something, I can’t be the dad that she should had.

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Today as I sat in the car passing Amy's gravestone I could not help to wonder what was there reason behind it all. Yes, of course that needles and alcohol and social media killed her but there are not enough, maybe for some people but not for my little Amy. I believe that her dream to fall in love was successful but not in the way she wanted. She fell in love with the substance and with her lover. But in the end he didn’t love her he just used her for her fame and destroyed her. She wanted him to love her but he never did. No matter how much she tried and how much she changed herself he never loved her like she wanted him to.

The substance represented more than just drugs they represented depression, love, and even death. Amy drank alcohol and took drugs to in the beginning try to impress that Blake that she loved so dearly! That's how it all began. Amy wanted love and took drugs because of it. This was the beginning. Later on when Blake hurt her or left she turned to drugs to self medicate and suppress her pain. The depression that she felt when he left her went away when she used the substance. The substances she used to self medicate where her way to get away from reality. She turned to the drugs in the beginning to impress Blake to get away from the fact that she was a star. She wanted to get away from her reality and be more “normal”.

She turned to the drugs again to get away from her sadness and her new reality where she is heartbroken. But in the end the drugs led to her demize. The “virtual reality” that she had created for herself got to an extend where it became her new reality and there was no escaping it anymore. Taking drugs and drinking alcohol was her new reality and there was nothing more. At the end she would raise her doses and drink more which led to her death.

Here it is. The truth behind it all no matter what that skunk Blake shares on Instagram or whatever interviews he does on youtube this is what happened to Amy. Even on my interview right here I say that Blake did not physically kill her but that lowlife skum killed her mentally. To the point where she hurt herself physically.

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04/14-17

In the end, love is blind and love can be foolish. Our hearts don’t always love the right person at the right time. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love, and sometimes the one’s we love hurt us. But that happens to everyone. When we are in love, we tend to not see the bad side of someone. That’s the pathetic side of love. Sometimes even the worst people can be the best person for us. At least, that's what we believe. Hence why it important to not fall in love with the idea of love. So often we try to impress our loved ones and force a relationship, for we want to live a fairytale. But, if we are not mindful, sooner or later, we will end up living a nightmare.

One should never value someone above themselves. If they want you, they will fight for you. If they don’t want you, do not ever chase them and certainly do not put yourself down. Rather, be happy that God saved you. He saved you from someone you did not deserve.

It has been 6 years now. 6 long years. I still remember looking into Amy’s eyes, only days before she was gone. The weakness in her eyes, the terror trembling in her voice. But not once did she complain about being hurt. Honestly, I never really thought she would leave me. I guess in the back of my mind, I always thought she would stay no matter what. I was wrong. She left me way too early. She made me realise that a good woman will stay as long as she possibly can, but only until she cannot physically and emotionally stay any longer.

There's no point in reminiscing about her now. I should have been there for her. But I guess I messed up. I took advantage of the time and now it’s too late. Truthfully, I could talk about her all day and all night, and I would still have a billion more things to say. But too many words become meaningless. So I will just leave it at, you were the most wonderful person I ever met and life without you is nothing but a world without colour.




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