I can't imagine a time where i've ever been alone. I've never lived alone till now, never been alone till now, never had nobody till now. So much has changed, so much growing up has gone on. I want a family, for some reason i feel like that would make me feel complete; but i know it won't. IN a blink of an eye everything around me has fallen apart and I'm supposed to be the one to hold it all together and never slip up because of my son, but fuck this shit is hard. Taking care of him and raising him is so beyond easy, but trying to hold myself together at the same time is so beyond hard. I bet most moms feel this way, but don't express like i do. I don't know what the hell I'm doing no mom does, but i know i'm doing a fucking awesome me job at taking care of my child. As far as taking care of myself i'm working on it and i know whats bestie to cut everyone out and just focus on me even the good people because everyone is a fucking mooch; they all take advantage of my willingness to help and make shit work instead of realizing how hard it if for me to hold it all together. Then I'm considered a bitch for snapping and defending myself every once in awhile, since no one else will. At this point i could careless what anyone thinks or says. I am doing an amazing job at raising my son and i need to focus on myself it'll be what's best for myself. No matter what happens around me my son and I come first, fuck everyone else that says they'll be there and are never there when I need them. This is why i learned to be so independent and to never count on family or friends, no one is ever truly there for you. My own sons father isn't there when he needs him and he's only 4 months old, he is only there for when his son is having a good day.
I'm so beyond over worked. I'm working 3 jobs trying to take care of Dylan. I will continue too until the day I die. He deserves nothing but the best and I will give him that. My son means the world to me. He's one of two men that id do absolutely anything for to make sure they are okay and happy. Currently struggling to try and see the bright side of my best friend leaving me. It's the hardest thing to face everyday. Continuing to talk to him and not being able to act caring and loving because he doesn't want me there. Letting go of him will be something I won't be able to do. I can't sleep at the thought of completely losing him and all I want is what's best for him even if it's without me ever again. What sucks about that is going to have to see him happy with someone else going to have to NEVER talk to him again and completely cut him out of my life. Hopefully it never ends up that way hopefully this time apart he misses me the way I miss him hopefully he still loves me the way I love him, and hopefully he still wants me the way I want him. 2 years waiting to be with this amazing guy and less than two months I lost him. I'm trying between work caring for Dylan and whatever is going on with my best friend to hold it together but Fuck it's so hard having absolutely no one to talk to. Absolutely no one who cares about me enough to be here for me. It hurts being 110% alone. This is so beyond hard to only have yourself to talk to and figure out how to be okay every morning. Waking up in a constant panic knowing my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and having to try and calm myself down alone. How does one handle this, how does one handle losing their best friend forever and the one person that promised they'd never leave your side and that you'd have to be the one to leave them that they'd never leave you but guess what I'm always the one that's left alone hopeless hurt worthless and useless. The only thing keeping me strong and going is my son and the new "promise" that this is all temporary.
There are so many different forms of love. You can love someone like a friend, like family, and more than that. My favorite kind of love that I have ever come across so far is the love I have for my child. He is my everything I could not be more happy than to have him in my life. Everything I say and do is for him I want him to grow up and not have a worry in the world until he has too. I want to love him enough and show him how to treat everyone with kindness and how to accept failure with positivity not sadness. I want nothing but the best for him and my love for him Is my favorite type of love.
Being in love with your best friend is fun and all, but there's so much drama that goes with it that shouldn't. Everyday I have to sit here and listen while he's still hung up on his ex getting closer to his new girl best friend while keeping me a secret. I mean at least his ex and new best friend know but that's the point I'm only there for when he wants to rub it in their faces. For the last couple weeks I've felt nothing but sadness and my insecurities have been getting worse because I feel like I'm constantly in competition with others. He constantly asks me what's wrong I tell him and nothing changes everything is the same and I'm still sitting here like hey I exist and would appreciate it if you acknowledge when I show you off and you know it's feel nice to be shown off for once. But I'm not and you'd think I'd be used to it because I'm always used and hidden but coming from someone that wants to "marry you" some day you'd think they'd try and put effort into helping and changing but don't at all instead only make it worse by going by the exs work and talking about how much better conversations are with the best friend. Honestly I deleted everything and feel like giving up entirely, but I'm fighting every instant telling me to walk away because I know how great this relationship can be if we work on it, but it won't grow if I'm the only one trying.
There truly is a difference between a single mom that keeps her child to care for and raise it properly and a mom that keeps her child in hopes to keep the man that got her pregnant. You are not a good mother is you keep your child just so a man sticks around, that's only keeping him/her for all the wrong reasons. Moms like that haven't sat back and realized how much their child needs them and depends on them. So when/if it goes bad with the baby daddy they don't take into consideration how much the things they do can harm and mess up a child. For example going out and getting fucked up every time you're supposed to be spending time with your child and throwing them at everyone else to take care of isn't caring for and loving your child. The holidays are supposed to be times spent with family not out being idiotic that was for back before you had a child. Than there's the single mom that stays home misses parties just to make sure her baby is alright safe and loved. Carving pumpkins watching silly kid movies just to enjoy every minute she has with her child. I can't imagine always dropping my kid off with family to just go out and get fucked up. That's not what a mother should ever do it's beyond messed up. I love my son so much and he will always be apart of every experience in my life. He is everything to me.