The sun shone through the window and blinded me. My father was on the phone and my mother tried to concentrate on driving the car. I turned up the music and quickly lost myself in it. I thought of how much trouble and effort it always takes to get all of our stuff in the car and head out on the road. This messed up cycle is part of my ordinary summer, but this year it was different.

The car was packed with bags and the dog did as usual; panting non-stop. By now I’d gotten used to the helicopter sound, breathing in my neck but it still killed me a little bit inside every time we’d take here out for a drive. It was like it was and nobody else really cared that much because we need to drive down this road, at this moment.

The road was empty at this time of the day and the dark woods around seemed calm even though I know that it was wide awake. The snow had gone away, which bummed me out a little bit. The road looked just like every road does, in every country. Trees, fields and a house now and then if you’re lucky. The sun was about to set and we tried to take advantage of the last hour of sunlight. We had to make it to town before nightfall where we could lay to rest for a little while.

Everything was just like it used to be, but we knew that something was missing. We all knew what it was, or whom it was. We used to be four in this car, now we’re only three. Mum, dad and one daughter, not two just one. We all missed her but tried to live just like we’ve always had.

I woke from my daydreaming by mother who was trying to contact me by calling my name. I took my headphones out but she’d already forgotten what she was going to say. After a couple of seconds, the music drowning out everything else, once again. Ed Sheeran played and I remembered that amazing concert he had, the one that I didn’t get any tickets to. It made me sad but a second later I was singing along, quietly. He sang “Save my soul” and my lips made out the words one by one. I made sure to sing quietly because I didn’t want my parents to hear. I never enjoyed singing in the car with mother or father, not without my sister. When we were young we used to have competitions and we sang famous duets together. Now I only sing to myself, quietly.

I looked out the window, only to see tree after tree passing by, nothing else but trees. I pulled my hand back through my hair and pulled it to one side o my head. I was still trying to get used to my new short hair that I impulsively cut in a moment of weakness. It had been almost two years but it still felt weird but somehow it still felt absolutely right.

At nine pm we stopped for dinner and a goodnights rest at a motel, nothing fancy. I know that I can be a bit spoiled sometimes because I’ve stayed at numerous of luxurious hotels but sometimes something that wasn’t fancy or had anything fancy about it at all, just for the thrill of it.

The sun didn’t shine anymore, the treetops were covers in fog and when I looked out the window I only saw the road beside the car. I curled up in my seat and used my jacket as a blanket to try and keep warm. I was cold, hungry and bored but I tried not to show it, I didn’t want to hurt my parent’s feelings. Slowly I feel asleep.

I woke up to the sound of the king of rock’s voice; Elvis Presley, my father sang along like he always does to Elvis’ tunes. The sun was now shining again but not as bright as yesterday. I looked out the window and saw clouds all over the sky. It made the sky look soft, like freshly made cotton candy. I bit my lip, thinking about what I’d say if I got to see him. It all was a mess when I left and nothing me feel worse than sitting in this small car not being able to call. My whole life was a mess; him, my sister and my parents who’d been weirdly overly protective of me the last couple of weeks. My phone lit up and on my screen his name came up. “New message”. I didn’t dare to open it even less to answer it. I’m such a coward.

I rolled the window down, desperately trying to get some air. I knew that we were almost back home. Back to my mess and back to reality. This trip had been a nightmare. I used to have fun at these trips but this year I just felt alone and claustrophobic in that tiny car. When we drove up on our parking spot I’d already opened the car door. I fell out of the car, together with all of the stuff that we pressed up in the backseat because we didn’t have enough room in the back. I didn’t care at all, because I was home.

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I've been away for some time now, but now I'm back for now. The new year is beginning and obviously 2016 is ending. All that I can think of is that i didn't make any promises to myself about this new year, unlike everyone else. Of course I hope that this year will be better than the last one. Everyone goes through hard times but does the hard times last for years? I don't know maybe they do, maybe they should. It was hard to start the new year without the people that i really miss. New year's eve was fun and the people that I spent it with are good friends but they are not my closest friends. The ones that I miss don't miss me, or do they?

Now a new year starts and that is not a new beginning it's just another step towards growing older and growing apart from once very close friends. A lot of people think that a new year equals to a new beginning and that you can change forever, but the truths is that is just another brick in the wall that we call life. You can change who you are at any point of you life. Maybe new year's help us to overcome fears or helps us to gain control of our own lives.

Life is a tricky thing. Should you follow your heart or your mind? Are you in control of the choices that you make or are you a pond in someone else's game? There are a lot of questions that we ask but might not find the answers to but we can always try. Trying is one of the things that you can't give up on. Always try! Just like P!ink sing in one of her songs "You got to get up and try" . I know the sometimes it feels like giving up and giving in is easier and the better choice. It might be, temporary. Temporary might sound good but it's not the long term answer. Put in a little more effort and you can make temporary into long-term and long-term is better, it might give you benefits in the future. I know the we might not want to plan our future already but small things can make a big difference.

Now that I've written about my shitty little life and given you shitty advice, I wish you a happy new year.

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Look up and get lost, lost in the dark night with me.

Let's go star gazing, you and I, it'll be like paradise.

We can walk out into the woods and lay down there. 

We can look up and hold each others hand.

Let's go star gazing you and I, it'll make us feel alive.

Just remember that you're here with me, you tend to forget that.

You smile and leave my side every once in a while.

Let's go star gazing, you and I, out in the dark dark night.

We can lay down and fall asleep in each others arms

Just remember that we are one and not two souls, we are whole.

Let's go star gazing you and I, it won't be a lie.

We can lay down and stare up at the big blue sky.

Together we can fly.

Let's go star gazing you and I, it'll be like paradise.

We can look up and get lost, lost in the dark dark night.

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Let's talk about periods, that time of the month, menstruation, red river or all the other names you may have for it. I feel like a lot of people are grossed out by periods. Especially guys, let's be real, when you talk to your best girlfriend about it and some guys walk pass you in the hallway or in the street, they look a little grossed out. Come on guys! The blood that comes out of our vagina is totally normal and why are we not allowed to talk about when it's okay for guys to be talking about their dicks all the time? The thing about periods are that it's different for everyone. Some bleed a lot, some don't bleed a lot. Then there's this little side effect called cramps. Cramps are like WW2 in your uterus, it's so horrible.

Okay, ladies we have all been worried to death when we've realised the our period been late. Even if your a virgin you worry to death. You think that you can have all different kinds of diseases, that you don't eat enough or that you're pregnant. We have all been there, one or two times. It's the same when you are feeling bad and your head hurts, so you do the only thing imaginable, you google your symptoms. That google-situation doesn't make you feel fine right the opposite, at this point you thing that you have cancer or herpes or whatever. The longer your cycle gets the more worried you get. The first days you think "Oh maybe it's just a couple days late" but then those days turn into weeks. When it finally arrives you are relieved for a minute or two until those damn cramps hit you.

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I'm a big fan of "Lord of the Rings" and "The Hobbit" and i think you can figure out why I chose this song. Also I messed up the guitar and the lyrics so just go with it, I didn't want to do another take soo... Yes, I'm lazy. 

In the end of the song the sound is a bit bad, but hope you donate mind. 

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I was planning to upload another cover today, but youtube don't work right now. Hopefully I can have it up by tomorrow.

Anyway, school is about to begin and I'm feeling anxious as hell. Not only my mind and my mental health is bad, my body is starting to get worse as well. I met one of my teachers today at the school, it was a introduction thing and it felt okay while I was there. When I got home on the other hand, I felt like crap. I felt sick and I still do. My head hurts, I feel nauseated and tired, I just want to lay down under a blanket and never get up again. I haven't felt this bad in a while and I thin it is caused by stress and anxiety. I really don't know what to do.

Anxiety is my greatest enemy. Okay, maybe not.

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IT*S MY BIRTHDAY!

I'm really excited because some of my best friends have a surprise for me and I don't have a clue about what it could be, so kind of nervous as well but I trust them so it'll be fine. 

i don't really know what to write about today so much happening so it's really short. 

See you later alligator!

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If you feel alone here, then you know how I feel.

Everyday is a new war against the voices, the voices tells you what to do and what to don't do.

Theses voices grow stronger in your loneliness.

Loneliness becomes your friend, loneliness makes you its slave. No beginning, no end.

All you can do is sit there and stare out, out through the window and out into the night.

Night becomes you relief, a time when you can breath.

Everything else is like purgatory.

Anything can happen, but you can't decide what.

It's the voices that do, the voices in you loneliness.

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Crushes, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends with benefits and everything in between. We all want to be loved, we want to be appreciated. To wake up next to your significant other, to be able to hold them tight at night knowing you're no alone. It's hard being alone, some like it, some don't. To tell someone you love them requires courage and trust. Trust can be earned with time, but it's a fragile thing. One mistake and broken and it' hard to rebuild it. In relationship trust is important, no matter what kind of relationship it is. Friendships require jut as much trust as a relationship with your boy-/girlfriend.

Courage is a thing that can be hard to find. Thought's like: "what if they don't feel the same?" can have a significant matter in this case, because some people likes to take risks while some are more careful in life. We all think that we can't live our life without taking any risks, and we can't. At some part of our life we need to take that step, it might be a chance to et to live your dream or it can be a chance to step up your career or you might find out that the person you love loves you too. No matter what it is we need to that risk sooner or later.

Love is fragile, beautiful, awful, amazing, hard work and absolutely wonderful. It takes hard work and sometimes it just don't work out so you have to give it up and sometimes that hard work pays off. Love is our goal in life, well it's my goal, not everyone's. Love can be hard to find because it hides, you just need to search hard enough. You might not find it in another human, it can be found in animals. That's what I found it.

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You know what's scary? Change. I'm not afraid of the world changing but of me changing. Change is no a bad thing, in fact it's the opposite, but still a lot of people are afraid of it just like I am. If you find yourself in a perfect moment you don't want anything to change, you want to stay in that moment. 

There's a lot of things that scare me except death, change and growing old. I'm afraid of telling the truth, to speak up in some situations. Fear is normal, everyone is afraid of something, even if they don't express that fear. Fear is one thing that all animals feel, not just us. 

I don't really know wereI was going with this but there you have it   I'm afraid of a bunch of stuff. 

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