Helle everyone, how are you today?
I'm not doing too well right now..
Over these past few weeks that has been my summerbreak, I've been thinking a lot, maybe a bit too much.. I've been thinking about my future and how to manage and survive.. Which sounds a bit wierd, but you'll get what I mean.
Where I want to be in a few years is easy to say, it's a place because that's all I can think of when someone asks me that question.
England has always been my dream country to live in, ever since I was little. I've thought about other places aswell where I might want to live and have a future but I always tell myselft to go for my first "choice", "dream" or "goal" - whatever you want to call it - because for some reason that was my first thought and since it was it must be the best choice(england definitely seems like it, as it feels like home when I'm there), I feel. But this dream or goal can be quite hard to achieve when you have something standing in your way that takes most of your energy..
My something is anxiety.. Last year I had a lot of anxiety, I panicked on the bus, in school, I stayed home a lot because my anxiety (and depression) caused a lot of trouble and prevented me from doing most things. Thinking about it now during summer when I've barely done anything else but stay insinde my house it only made things worse. I have had a lot of trouble going outside, I hung out with friends twice and both times at festivals.. I wish I would've tried to hang out more with them but they all worked most of the summer, as teens seem to do these days.
Me and my family went to Stockholm for a few days. Usually when I go away with my parents it's fine, I feel safe around them and it's way easier to be around them rather than my friends. This time though I did panick, I had a hard time leaving the hotelroom and when we were walking about I often felt trapped and couldn't breath. One of the times when it got worse were when we were walking around in "Gamla Stan" (old town). Narrow streets with tons of people! I don't really know why I couldn't handle the trip with my parents but my anxiety must've gotten worse..
So here I am today, two days before school start, axious about what's to come. I think about are the bus rides, those are always worse. The assignments that we're going to get and how they are probably going to much harder now that I'm a yeear older.. Though I'm probably overreacting.
Since I'm on the musical program we're doing a musical this year aswell, and hopefully I'm just overthinking my anxiety and this years performance will be better. But I'm really nervouse and my teachers will be expecting more this year. Last year was a mess.. I had about 4 lines, which to me was really frightening. I don't do to well with speaking infront of a lot of people.. Infront of anyone to be honest.
I'm scared that my anxiety won't get any better and that I will always have a hard time travelling and doing other things amongst people.. To England it's only a two hour flight, which is fine because I tend to fall alseep on planes. But the carride to and from te airport is the worst part. Well, the wait in the airport isn't something I prefer either.. but, some things you just have to do, right?
As a first "job" I've always dreamt of going to England to work as an au pair, and I still plan on going. I know what agency I want to go with and when I plan on going. So untill then I've got quite some work to do.. I just don't want to not do it! I have to do it for my 10 yeard old self!
Have you ever felt like that? If you have, how do you manage a situation like that? Any special tricks?
I've only got one trick, which doesn't always get me that far but, music! I listen to music constantly!