​It's been almost a month since I last blogged. I hope everyone's doing well. 
Since I last posted I have booked an appointment for a third tattoo, YAY! I have gotten tons of things to do in school, we got the rolls for our very last musical that we'll be performing in May, and I've started hanging out with my childhood friends a bit more. My life has for some reason, in the middle of all this chaos, gotten better and I have started to get a hold of things I've been trying to get a hold of for the past 18 years of my life.. haha! But I've been properly trying to get a hold of everything for the past, at least, two years. I've gone from having extreme anxiety to be able to deal with stress quite well. 

Over these past two years I have started to like and accept myself and my body a lot more. I don't hide underneath big sweaters and I don't cry in the fitting rooms anymore, mostly because I don't go there. I don't actually buy clothes at all anymore, but I'm working on my body. Despite the fact that I like myself I don't feel confident in my body and I'm working on that. I'm loosing weight and I'm no longer hiding as much from social contact because of the shape of my body! ​ 
I'm out for either a run or just a walk everyday, and when I come home I do some weight lifting and such in my living room, I have gotten into a routine that fits me and that I think is fun an ´d I'm just starting to love life so much. I personally think I hav matured so much ever since I started Upper secondary and now I'm, if possible, more ready than ever for the future.

I wish that everyone would just realise the things I have realised these past two years. I wish everyone would start valuing their life a bit different and look past all the obligations that the society has put up for us! There is so much that is in our way to be completely happy and it's so important to find out what means the most to you.

-A​​

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I've known for the past two-ish years that I've had anxiety, bad anxiety. I have never been someone who has worried about a lot of things, but when I was the most depressed my anxiety started.

About two years ago when my anxiety started I noticibly started worry about more and more things, but not the normal things like friends hanging out without me or, you know, the normal stuff you worry about when you're a teenager. I started worrying about the environment, about political issues, about natural disasters. Things like political issues has always been an interest of mine and something I've been very passionate about but when my axiety started I began worrying about these things. I have ever since had trouble sleeping because of nightmares, because I overthink at night and because I have anxiety.

​I try to find ways to overcome this "fear" but whenever I search for ways to do so I always find the same answers for the same issues. People take for granted that people are anxious and paranoid about the same things, and for those who are worried about the way their friends act; there's an entire world out there for you ready to calm you mind and make you less paranoid. But for me, and those like me, there is nothing for us. There are a lot of articles for those who have been traumatized in a terror attack but I've never been in one, I just worry about them too much for my own good. It honeslty takes up my life and I never know how to deal with it.

There are times when I worry about going to bed because I know I've read or heard "too much" about what's going on in the world, I know I won't be able to sleep and that I will overthink and make up horrible scenarios in my head.

When I first started to worry about all of these things, it started off with the environment, and I became very aware of how I treat this earth. I'm not one of those crazy vegans or vegetarians who rant WAY too much about this, but I am very aware of what i eat and where it comes from. I cringe when my mom buy too much meat, even though I know we won't eat all of it in one week cause we buy a lot of food, about like 4 times a month.

But I'm paranoid, about the things, I feel, no one else worries about. 

If you're paranoid or have anxiety as well, and you worry as much as I do, try to rememeber that it's all in your head and all you can ever do is make the most and the best of the situations. Writing like this helps me deal with stuff, and sometimes it makes it worse. But I get it out of my system and that's also an important thing to do, no matter how you do it, it's good enough.

As I said in my last post, always stay positive!

-A

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Have you ever had a person in your life that always manages to be negative? Whatever it is that your talking about they always have something negative to say about it. I'm sure everybody has a person like that, but if you don't, they'll come along eventually.
One of my friends that I'm a bit closer with, she is negative ALL THE TIME. I don't know how to deal with it cause no matter how I try to make her see things from the bright side, she finds something negative to point out.
It literally sends me into a rage and I constantly try not to just yell at her, cause you know, it's not polite to yell and she's my friend.

As all of the other times when I have issues I google what to do about it, and you constantly get the answer to get rid of the person despite them being your "best friend". I can't really get rid of her because I don't know how to and I don't know who she'll have afterwards. Nor do I know who I will have afterwards, cause she is the one I talk to and do most things with. If I were to leave her I would feel more lonely than now.
What I really wish though is that we wouldn't be in the same class, because that affects me and my grades negatively since we don't value school equally. We don't value a lot of things the same way, we actually are completely different but we just ended up being friends because we had no one else. Or I didn't at all and she didn't have someone in real life.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just need to tell someone that my best friend is that negative person that just completely brings you down but you can't leave them because then you won't have anyone and that is just super depressing and stressing.

If you're in the same position as me, or in a position remotely like mine just remember that as long as you stay positive you won't be as affected by it. I have become so much more positive from always having a negative person around me. If you want someone to help you stay positive as well I recommend watching Pointlessblog on Youtube, his vlogs, they are super positive, happy and fun! He vlogs his everyday life and is always in a happy mood and does everything for his viewers, I love him! Watch him and his youtuber friends to stay happy and positive.

-A

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After having this blog for about a month I realise I haven't really told you anything about who I am as a person and that's something I find that I want to do.
I started of this post not really knowing what to tell you so when I had written a few things I couldn't come up with anything good anymore so I figured that these "this or that" questions, despite every blogger doing them, would be fun and easier, soo here we go!

(The ones I choose are the "bigger" words.)

Obviously these are by no means personal, but they're things about me, things I like and what I'd rather do, you know?

Cat or dog 

Netflix or Youtube

Phone call or text

Cardio or weights

Instagram or Twitter

Pop or Rock

Big party or small gathering

Bath or shower

Online shopping or in store

Most important in a partner: Intellegent or funny

Money or free time

Pancakes or waffles

Coffee or tea

ALSO

I live in Sweden

The reason why I don't give out my identity is because I like the idea of not everybody knowing everything about me. Like my friends don't know about this blog, and those who someday may see this blog will never know me by anthing athoer than my "alter ego".

-A

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These are three models whom I've been loving lately and their sense for fashion (which they obvi have)

The sisters Bella & Gigi Hadid and the one and only Kendall Jenner!

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I know I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with literally everyting since I got home from London. Though that's not an excuse for not doing the one thing that keeps me sane at the moment. I don't even think I wrote after the concert I went to.

The concert I went to was the third time seeing that band and it was definitely their best concert here, in the country where I live. They haven't realeased any new music in the last two years so I haven't really been as involved with them or their lives as before. I hadn't realised just how much I had missed them as I did when we stood there, FRONT ROW! Well almost.. But there were only about four people between me and the four boys I feel at home with. They didn't play too long, about 1,5h. It was super good, they spoke and lauged so much and the audience was the most respectful they have ever been. No out of line-yelling, no pushing, just 2000 people loving and respecting the band infront of them. No panic attacks from me!

London. We went there on Tuesday the 29th of August and stayed until September 2nd. London is truly the place where I want to move, maybe not settle down but for sure spend some time of my life. England is the place I want to call home and my allergies was not as bad there as at home, so that's another reason to go. The travel there was waay longer than I thought. The plane was delayed, the bus to London took ages and when we got to the apartment it was late and we were too tired to do anything else than eat. So we quickly went to the grocery store, got food and went home and watched the first episode of the new season of The Great British Bake Off.
The second day we went out for a bit, in the pouring rain. Popped in to Lush on Oxford street and bought a few things and the later in the afternoon we went to Warner Bros, the Harry Potter studios. It was truly AMAZING! Harry Potter is honestly the only thing I remember from my childhood and I love it so so much. I wanted to cry walking through the entire tour. I loved it.
The rest of the week we went touristing, looking at Big Ben, Buckingham Palace and what not. We also did a bit of shopping but I actually didn't get too much stuff. I got two new Harry Potter books, two records and a few things from Lush, including a bathbomb which I used in the bathtub of the aparment.

Right now all my time is spent doing my finishing project, coming up with what to write and planning it. I'm not too stressed about it but I definitley don't enjoy it, as i barely know what I'm doing. We have had our teachers telling us not what to do and how to not do things and actually the more I think about it the more stressing it is.. Oh well, every student ever has to do it and they manage, so I will to. One way or another.

-A

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The more stuff my friends/classmates seem to do without me the more I'm okay with it. I don't really mind being on my own, though I'm not really, but I don't mind not having anyone to hang out with every weekend.
Even if I would have, I wouldn't do anything with them too often because I'm introverted and it takes so much energy from me being in school and all the social interactions going on there.

The one friend that I do hang out with every now and then, she and I are going to a concert!!! It will be my third time seeing this band and the second time with her, I am super excited! They're the type of band that put you in a good mood when you see them, an extra good mood.

So that's one thing I have to look forward to, the other one is that I'm going away next week. I'm off to London again with my family and I couldn't be happier! London is for sure my absolute favourite place in the entire world, I can't wait until I can call it my home.

But yeah, this about my classmates doing stuff without me. If anyone else is in the same position, don't be upset about it, find someone else somewhere else who wants to take the time! I only have myself to blame for that, I push people away when the start to depend on me "too much", I don't like being someone that has to tell people what to do because they don't seem to have a mind of their own or being someone thinking that I need to be told what to do. Not all people are like that, but I feel like I always end up with those who are that way.

-A

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I've now done my first three days in school and I can tell you three things

1. My last year will be the most hectic one
2. I'm scared to leave even though I can't wait.
3. Anxiety is a bitch that I probably will never live without.

We have the most difficult class in my native language a head of us, we're also supposed to do a project that either represents or has to do with what we've done throughout these three years, and I'm on an aesthetic programme and we're doing a musical that will take up most of the year, as will the other two courses, and as far as I know you can't fit three years into one..

On top of that I've realised I'm afraid of the future because I will be completely on my own, no one to guide or help me. I've always been excited about that but the more the world changes and the closer I get to it the more real it gets. I constantly look up how to "survive" in a foreign country or just in a new city, tips and tricks on how to get a social network, get around and kind of blend in.
I calms me a bit but not enough.

But I have sometime left to worry about my future, it's not here just yet, right? I've got another 219 days left or so!

- A

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I'm dreading going to school. I can't wait for school to be over; this will be my last year. But at the same time I don't really want to start becaus the things that might and will happen with school and friends.

I think I have already mentioned the fact that I'm trying to lose weight, and I think I have lost a little. I don't like looking at the numbers on the scale so I ignore stepping onto it. But the size of my stomache has shrunk a bit I feel and clothes are starting to sit looser, which is AMAZING! I am really starting to feel good about my body and I'm not hating looking at myself in the mirror as much as I used to.

My hair is also growing out really well, I haven't used any heat in ca 7 weeks and it's super healthy and has rown so much already! I'm starting to feel so ood about myself in so many ways. And the reason why I'm not really having any friends I feel, is because I have limited myself from being myself and from doing things I've wanted to do. All of tis because I haven't felt good in my body and my selfesteem has been practically non-excistent. Now all I feel bad about is ever feeling that way, and cared about what people have thought of me.

I dread goingto school because I'm afraid that my selfesteem will sink again, that meeting those people who always make me question myself will bring me down. I'm afraid that I will let myself feel that way. I feel like they will look at me like they always do, that when I step into school next week dressed in the same pants that I've worn for the past two years, they will look at me like I'm not worth anything else than those pants. I hate wearing them, I really do. But they're comfortable and I don't feel ugly or fat in them and that's why I'm constanly wearing them. I want to want to buy new pants, and skirts and dresses, I want to buy new lingeri and new tops. I swear to God, I need an entire new wardrobe because I haven't bought more than 5 tops in the last 3 years.

But I'm going to do everything in my power not to feel that way. And I'm going to prove to everyone and myself that I can do exactly what I've wanted ever since I started feeling bad about myself. I'm oing to do it and I'm gonna go even furthur. I am never letting myself feel like I've felt all throughout school! I'm doing this for me, and me only.

- A

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At some point in your life, or at several occasions, or often as in my case, you will find out things that may come as a shock and it will affect you negatively. Like just now I found out that most of my classmates, those who aren't away on vacations with their families, are at a party. A party which I for some reason am not apart of.

I can't help but feel very left out and confused. I don't know whether they just forgot about me or if they're ignoring me. Either way, it hurts.

These things tend to happen quite often. Not with the same group of people every time, but still too often for it to feel intended. I'm left out and then during the week I hear all about this amazing event that everyone seemed to get invited to but me. I also almost every time hear something by the lines of "you should've been there A!", and I always answer "Oh, next time, yeah?".

When someone says that, how often do you actually get a call the next weekend about a party? You don't.

This is why I never say anything like "I wish I had friends" because when you have friends, there is always the chance of being left out or forgotten, as I am now. I always wish to have one special person, a boyfriend if you will. Not that I would steal him from his friends but I would have at least someone who would hopefully care enough to involve me in the things he does or make time for "alone time" with me.

Although, me not having a boyfriend nor that close friends may be my own fault. I don't know what it is I do wrong all the time, but if someone finds out, make sure to tell me ok? I'm tires of living like this.

-A

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