The more stuff my friends/classmates seem to do without me the more I'm okay with it. I don't really mind being on my own, though I'm not really, but I don't mind not having anyone to hang out with every weekend.
Even if I would have, I wouldn't do anything with them too often because I'm introverted and it takes so much energy from me being in school and all the social interactions going on there.

The one friend that I do hang out with every now and then, she and I are going to a concert!!! It will be my third time seeing this band and the second time with her, I am super excited! They're the type of band that put you in a good mood when you see them, an extra good mood.

So that's one thing I have to look forward to, the other one is that I'm going away next week. I'm off to London again with my family and I couldn't be happier! London is for sure my absolute favourite place in the entire world, I can't wait until I can call it my home.

But yeah, this about my classmates doing stuff without me. If anyone else is in the same position, don't be upset about it, find someone else somewhere else who wants to take the time! I only have myself to blame for that, I push people away when the start to depend on me "too much", I don't like being someone that has to tell people what to do because they don't seem to have a mind of their own or being someone thinking that I need to be told what to do. Not all people are like that, but I feel like I always end up with those who are that way.

-A

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I've now done my first three days in school and I can tell you three things

1. My last year will be the most hectic one
2. I'm scared to leave even though I can't wait.
3. Anxiety is a bitch that I probably will never live without.

We have the most difficult class in my native language a head of us, we're also supposed to do a project that either represents or has to do with what we've done throughout these three years, and I'm on an aesthetic programme and we're doing a musical that will take up most of the year, as will the other two courses, and as far as I know you can't fit three years into one..

On top of that I've realised I'm afraid of the future because I will be completely on my own, no one to guide or help me. I've always been excited about that but the more the world changes and the closer I get to it the more real it gets. I constantly look up how to "survive" in a foreign country or just in a new city, tips and tricks on how to get a social network, get around and kind of blend in.
I calms me a bit but not enough.

But I have sometime left to worry about my future, it's not here just yet, right? I've got another 219 days left or so!

- A

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I'm dreading going to school. I can't wait for school to be over; this will be my last year. But at the same time I don't really want to start becaus the things that might and will happen with school and friends.

I think I have already mentioned the fact that I'm trying to lose weight, and I think I have lost a little. I don't like looking at the numbers on the scale so I ignore stepping onto it. But the size of my stomache has shrunk a bit I feel and clothes are starting to sit looser, which is AMAZING! I am really starting to feel good about my body and I'm not hating looking at myself in the mirror as much as I used to.

My hair is also growing out really well, I haven't used any heat in ca 7 weeks and it's super healthy and has rown so much already! I'm starting to feel so ood about myself in so many ways. And the reason why I'm not really having any friends I feel, is because I have limited myself from being myself and from doing things I've wanted to do. All of tis because I haven't felt good in my body and my selfesteem has been practically non-excistent. Now all I feel bad about is ever feeling that way, and cared about what people have thought of me.

I dread goingto school because I'm afraid that my selfesteem will sink again, that meeting those people who always make me question myself will bring me down. I'm afraid that I will let myself feel that way. I feel like they will look at me like they always do, that when I step into school next week dressed in the same pants that I've worn for the past two years, they will look at me like I'm not worth anything else than those pants. I hate wearing them, I really do. But they're comfortable and I don't feel ugly or fat in them and that's why I'm constanly wearing them. I want to want to buy new pants, and skirts and dresses, I want to buy new lingeri and new tops. I swear to God, I need an entire new wardrobe because I haven't bought more than 5 tops in the last 3 years.

But I'm going to do everything in my power not to feel that way. And I'm going to prove to everyone and myself that I can do exactly what I've wanted ever since I started feeling bad about myself. I'm oing to do it and I'm gonna go even furthur. I am never letting myself feel like I've felt all throughout school! I'm doing this for me, and me only.

- A

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At some point in your life, or at several occasions, or often as in my case, you will find out things that may come as a shock and it will affect you negatively. Like just now I found out that most of my classmates, those who aren't away on vacations with their families, are at a party. A party which I for some reason am not apart of.

I can't help but feel very left out and confused. I don't know whether they just forgot about me or if they're ignoring me. Either way, it hurts.

These things tend to happen quite often. Not with the same group of people every time, but still too often for it to feel intended. I'm left out and then during the week I hear all about this amazing event that everyone seemed to get invited to but me. I also almost every time hear something by the lines of "you should've been there A!", and I always answer "Oh, next time, yeah?".

When someone says that, how often do you actually get a call the next weekend about a party? You don't.

This is why I never say anything like "I wish I had friends" because when you have friends, there is always the chance of being left out or forgotten, as I am now. I always wish to have one special person, a boyfriend if you will. Not that I would steal him from his friends but I would have at least someone who would hopefully care enough to involve me in the things he does or make time for "alone time" with me.

Although, me not having a boyfriend nor that close friends may be my own fault. I don't know what it is I do wrong all the time, but if someone finds out, make sure to tell me ok? I'm tires of living like this.

-A

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I finished reading my book yesterday. I was not ready, what so ever, for the ending. For anyone who hasn't read the book and is thinking of doing so, if you can't handle anything but Disney type of happy endings, don't read it. Or skip the fee last chapters.

I don't know whether to say that it's one of my favourite books or not. Because the story itself is incredibly good and I would recommend this boom to anyone, but the ending is one of those endings that some people can handle and some people, like me, who can't. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone.

Books who are about mental illnesses and similar topics should, to me, end happily with everyone still alive and well. Because my mental illnesses is triggered by other people, self harming or committing suicide. I need those happy endings to know that my happy ending will come as well. I can't help but feel angry at the person who in anyway hurts themselves because when reading a book or watching a film you notice how those actions affect others, and not in a positive way.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this but the book triggered my with the ending but I loved it anyhow. Read it, but if you're like me, skip the chapters after Finch's last chapter.

- A

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I've picked up reading again. I dreaded reading for a while but now that I'm at it again I can't remember why I ever gave it up.
But then again, it's like I have periods when I find joy in it and when I don't.

When I'm reading it's like I can't do anything else. For example; I went to the gym today to break away from reading and because I'm trying to lose weight. All I thought about was the stupid book I'm reading. Though it's not stupid I just can't really stand being this devoured by something that's only temporary.

At the moment I'm reading All the bright places by Jennifer Niven. I know I'm late reading this book, about a year after the hype about this one but I guess that's also why I have periods when I read none-stop and periods when I barely even look at my book shelf.
I can't deal with watching or reading about things when it's all people talk about, I don't want to fall for trends or patterns, I don't let myself to. I do not want be "mainstream", ordinary, boring, I don't want to fall for the system I tell myself actually exists.

Music is another thing that I at times do none-stop and then don't listen to more than twice a day; on my way to school and on my way home.

Music and books are things I for sure recommend when trying to escape reality, or to enter reality because let's face it, music and books make the things that happen feel more normal and not so surrealistic. Like the fights with your friends, or the guy your crushing on. You don't know how you feel until someone puts the words into your mouth, and those words are found... in books and music.

- A

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