almost 26 years later, a correction has begun...

FINALLY DONE!!! - I have a so called diagnosis and guess what? It turns out I am guy!

I am about to share my experience of getting medical care at the transmedicine unit in Stockholm called ANOVA. ANOVA also handle patients regarding sexual medicine and andrology. In the sitting area there is always 40-50+ men sitting in there waiting to meet a doctor and knowing where you are you just can't help but sit and wonder who of those men can't get it up... I know, I know, how childish of me... but it is boring waiting for your turn and I always arrived around 30min earlier because I travel from Västerås and it is a hassle, not to mention that they themselves where always late (save for the psychologist) but the other members of the team always came and called for me 10-20min later... so yes I had to get my mind off of this painful process by thinking about other men's possible dysfunctional erections...
Okay let's move on! 😁

The team I got to meet with where all very nice, and you can clearly get the comprehension that they want to help you, even if sometimes they ask uncomfortable or silly questions. But for now, this is their job and your job is to follow this agonising process to get a gender conforming treatment. Hopefully the utter absurdness of this treatment will get better soon!

The Case Manager's job is to understand and write a plan of your current living situation, make sure you have support in your life, she also wants to meet your parents or someone else close to you. She ask's questions about your childhood, she ask's when your gender dysphoria kicked in, for some people it is from early childhood for others puberty or other, she also wonders about how you find out or realised your gender. She has many questions, I had four sessions with her and basically she asked the same questions over and over again. It was annoying, we could have covered all of her questions in one 90min session or two splitting that time but this is out of her control. Later when you apply to social justice council (in Swedish: Socials Rättsliga Rådet) they are very careful with changing your legal gender and need this to be a prolonged process. This is ridiculous of course, but I am only explaining to you how it is right now. Let's see... Oh yes! She also ask's about what you would do if you did not get a diagnosis, and I told her, that I hadn't thought about that because my current state doesn't have a future, and that I have only focused on the positivity of the gender conforming treatment that will allow me to have a future. The woman I met with was very nice, easy to talk to but a little carefree, as though she herself knows all those meetings were unnecessary but it is her job to follow this template and meet with you anyway. After all this is all out of her control, she is doing her job and as far as I can tell she did a good job! My Case Manager was Carin Carlqvist but you might get someone else, they have two who does this job, as I understand it.

The psychologist ask's a little more uncomfortable questions, her job is to focus more on you as a person rather than you in your surroundings and out in society. And by uncomfortable, well... they could be uncomfortable to some people, I myself did not feel uncomfortable but then again I do not embarrass easily or have a difficulty speaking about what sometimes might be considered taboo subjects, so maybe it has something to do with my personality to not think they where particularly uncomfortable. However, you decide if you find them uncomfortable because she ask's questions about for example masturbation, if you have a difficulty masturbating or find it disgusting or something like that. The reason, I am assuming, is because they want to learn more about your gender dysphoria, as in where it sits and where it is painful. Some people have so much gender dysphoria in their genitals that they actually cannot masturbate or even have sex with a partner/or partners. For those people it is usually vital to undergo genital surgery, but this is not for everybody. Luckily I do not have intense disgust or dysphoria against that part of me and I am most likely not doing a genital surgery, but I will not claim this decision is set in stone because if the techniques become much better and I wouldn't have to undergo five surgeries in that area, maybe I could consider it but for now this is not troubling for me. Another question that bothered me was asking about my sexual orientation but she did also explain that they know that sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity and that this questions is mainly to understand and know more about me and transgenderism in general. After she explained it like that I wasn't bothered by the question anymore. And.. As far as the psychologist herself she is positive and have a happy/cheery personality, you begin smiling by just meeting her. She walks and talks fast as though she is hopped up on a lot of caffeine or something, but she is very very nice, very sweet and easy to talk to as well. My psychologist was Maria Illestam.

I never got to meet the psychiatrist Annika Heyman in the beginning because I had my first meeting at Akademiska Hospital in Uppsala and then transferred to ANOVA. So where you are supposed to have first and last meeting with the psychiatrist, I met someone else the first time and met her in the end. She is very serious and like all medical professionals, she doesn't really smile, and doesn't ask more questions than only double checking some things you have already been previously asked by the psychologist and case manager. She ask's about your expectations and such... Lastly she says we are going to go ahead and give you the diagnosis "you are a man!" and ask's what you want to be remitted too, endocrinologist, speech therapist and plastic surgery for a mastectomy. I wanted to be remitted to all three, it is not for everybody, and gender identity is very individual and some people might only want to be remitted to two or one of them.

Applying to change one's legal gender can be safely made at least one year after beginning Hormone Replacement Therapy because of how careful they are in approving it but considering how the law of changing your legal gender is in motion to change I do not know how this will become when the law is enforced, so stay tuned for updates about transgender people's rights! After you have gotten your gender legally changed you can apply for a hysterectomy and genital surgery if you want them but I will write more about this in a later post!

Right now I am just patiently sitting and waiting for a letter to show up in my mail box telling me I have a meeting with the endocrinologist to get a prescription of hormones.. Patiently doesn't do justice to describe how much energy it is sucking out of me but I am very excited and looking forward to being comfortable in my own skin! 😃
I will still be posting this weekend as usual!

Thank you for reading!
// JJ

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People’s obsession with sexual orientation is baffling.. really.. but then again historically speaking one can discuss a lot about the subject and how it has become more acceptable to be open about one’s sexual orientation regardless of what it is.

Identifying as male people automatically assume I am interested only in women, people see me as a sexual orientation rather than a guy which is very frustrating! Heterosexuality is not only forced on cispeople but on transpeople as well. Gender identity has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation, a transguy could be homosexual meaning only attracted to men and a transwoman could be a lesbian. A person do not wish to identify or undergo any medical treatments and or procedures to be with the opposite sex, that is not what being captive in your own body means. If I was attracted to women, it would have been far easier to be a lesbian than to be suicidal because this excruciating pain of Gender Incongruence.

So no, just because I identify as male it does not mean I am simply interested in women. The tragedy of all of this is that people always assume, they do not ask, they do not wonder, they just assume! When I talk about being attracted to men, people drop their chins about two meters down and I cannot count how many times I have gotten the reaction ”If you like to date guy’s, than why do you want to be a guy?” (Must mention the error in the sentence: that I do not want to be a guy, I am a guy!) And… well because being in the female body is not a necessity to attract some guy’s, my body is not configured to please any gender or individual or various types of social construction. My body is for me, and for me to be comfortable in it only. ...”I am pansexual!” I reply, and most cispeople are usually unfamiliar with the term and end up asking… ”Pansexual? What does that mean?”


Pansexual means you are attracted to personality regardless of gender or gender identity. Whereas a bisexual is attracted to men and women, pansexuality is a more broad spectrum than that which has it’s focus more on the character of a person rather than the gender itself.”


Misconceptions about pansexuality.
A pansexual person is often mistaken for having a busy sex-life. Maybe some do! But it is a misconception to claim that all pansexuals have a busy sex life and doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. Most pansexuals are actually more on the side of a steady relationship than many other sexual orientations,
-statistically speaking. Pansexuality is not a synonym for promiscuity, nor is it a way of claiming to be available for anybody.

How did I realise my sexual orientation?
Honestly I did not start identifying as pansexual until I came out as trans about a year and seven months ago, and before that I was very unsure. People always assumed I am a lesbian (because of my short hair and male-clothes) and I did not explain to anybody otherwise, maybe I pushed it with my friends, but I knew that I was very very unsure specially because I knew that I was attracted to guy’s and it did not fit in my head, it did not fit because I was uncomfortable in my own physical features. Now that the transition is happening (soon) I can imagine myself, my hopefully very straight and manly body, I know who I am, and becoming more and more comfortable in who I am, I can full-heartedly and openly express my sexual orientation. Regardless of gender or gender identity; heterosexuality shouldn’t be forced on any of us and sometimes it takes time to figure out ones sexual orientation, and that is completely okay. You do not have to know what it is when you are 13, and hormones start fighting with each other inside of you, and you most certainly do not have to force it upon your own gender that two people of the opposite sex should be together because that is how babies can be produced.

I’d like to leave this post by mentioning the following quote which I found on tumblr..
”Physical attractions are common. Mental connection is rare.”
- Unknown

Also, next week I will be posting twice; one post will be somewhat mid-week after my last inquiry meeting at the trans medicine unit ANOVA, at Karolinska Hospital in Stockholm. I will give review about my experience at ANOVA. The second post might be Saturday or so.


Thanks for reading! // JJ

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Last friday started with me mixing drinks for people, I love mixing them, hate drinking them and people love them. I also had my major cheat meal! It was awesome, I had been waiting all week for it!

The weekend I spent helping some friends paint their new apartment and move into it. It was a lot of fun, the evening ended in exhaustion and I think I developed some new gluteus-muscles. 😜 I mean you have to look at the bright side of moving. I had a great time though, the struggle of getting furniture up three flight's of stairs with no elevator, not to mention the difficulty of when the furniture barley fits through a door, and, that is when I had the pizza (in the photo above), we sat, rested, hung out and had a great time afterwards.

It was sunny for a while last week, when I had to walk through what seemed to be all the streets in Stockholm to find what I was looking for. As if I hadn't walked enough! It may have been sunny but it was cold! I also visited the area of the terror attacks to give my condolences, I am not going to write about this horrible incident but I cannot say I am surprised at all with all this hatred growing... All the more reason for the rest of us to stick to kindness and take care of each other! I have an aim to make at least one person laugh everyday, comedy is one of my primary qualities, it could be as simple as acting completely clueless, which considering I am deaf in one ear sometimes isin't all that difficult. 😉 The aim I have set for myself in order to spread happiness, sometimes you don't know, that little laugh could have turned somebody's day around. Help me spread the happiness, mate!

I rarely buy things I do not need like the gym-shoes above. I have gym-shoes that could probably last another year but my friend pointed out, after what happened in Stockholm april 7th 2017 that we only live once and they are on sale so I should buy them because I really liked them, and to be honest I know my feet might grow on hormone replacement therapy but with my friend's logic it was difficult not to buy them. I would have felt guilty buying things I do not need, I am always trying to distance myself from material things without censoring myself from what I want and need but in all fairness when my other gym shoes get worn out I do not have to worry about buying new ones, I'd already have some and I bought them on sale so it all worked itself out. Plus those shoes look good!!!


I spent an entire day studying with my friend and then we ended it with a gigantic burger and an alcoholic beverage. I haven't had alcohol in a really long time, and I regret it a little bit because I didn't feel so well afterwards. Taking my meds and alcohol just do not go together but the beverage itself tasted good even though did not have Heiniken.

Yeah my teeth are very white apparently. Meeting some friends at Heron City did not turn out they way we planned. One person is always late and by now we should have known this was going to happen. The plan was to play arcade, have lunch and bowl but we only had time for lunch and bowling. The reason for going there was to play arcade-games, we could have bowled anywhere in Stockholm, we did not have to go all the way out to Heron City. It was still a great deal of fun though, we talked of doing it again by perhaps giving the late person an earlier time to be there. 😌

I have no logic for consuming refined sugars but it sure looks good doesn't it?! Nor alcohol for that matter so you can tell how drinking a beverage also went against my logic! 😌

Just when I had returned to my healthy diet-plan above I get my first Easter Cookies from my relatives near by. These are Lebanese Easter-Cookies with dates in them, they are very yummy and contain no refined sugars what so ever. The sweetness is purely from the dates but they taste so sweet you would not believe they have no refined sugars in them. They are made and consumed for the Eastern Holiday, there are several versions of the cookie and the other ones have refined sugars in them but I also do not like them, because I do not like nuts in cookies. These are my favourite though and as far as bulking-diet goes, I stuffed my face with all four of them. Oh well... it was worth it! 😁

Thank you for reading!
// JJ

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Thanks, really but physical looks has nothing to do with transformation into male!
When people find out I identify as male and want to go through male puberty it is very common to hear ”But you are so attractive, why would you want to ruin a body most women would kill to have?”
As if only unattractive people have Gender Dysphoria…???😳 Well then those women can have it, if I can donate my physical features to some who would enjoy having them, well then be my guest! How simple life would be if we could just swap like that… Oh well maybe in the future! You never know… haha..Besides the phrase in quotation marks above, here follows some of the worst things you can say or ask a transguy.


”What was your name before?” It is a common mistake, and some people are just curious but it is important to understand that there was no name before, this usually triggers anxiety and dysphoria for a transgender person because they are not being taken seriously as the person they are, right here, right now. Do not dig up a transpersons past in anyway as in (photo’s before either). Unless a transperson provides their dead-name or photo’s before transitioning or something else about themselves from the past and are comfortable talking about it, then they want you to know but you just never ask.


”So it is constructed and not real hormones?” (this is most common to hear from cismen) I think it might hurt some mens ego’s to realise how hormones does most of the work for a transguy. In my experience this question has a background of insecurity built into it. Yes they are constructed but they are given to cismen and ciswomen who suffer from low testosterone and work just the same as the hormone itself.


”But this isn’t exactly normal, I mean you can be whatever you want but this is just against nature.”
I can understand how it can be seen that way, because humans are very good at believing they know everything and at some point we were socialised to understand how things are and how they should be, the problem with growing up with those social constructions is that things are not always what they seem to be. Things are changeable and today (contrary to the past) we know more about hormones and we are capable of helping suicidal transgender people be themselves and wether it is normal or not does not matter! Then again you could question what normality is and who actually says it is normal?! What matters is the tools at hand and what we can do with them, how we can provide medical care to those who need it.

”What makes a person transgender?” This question I actually like getting but other transpeople might not. For me who worked with educating people about transgenderism, this question is very welcome because it shows the person want to learn more about transgenderism rather than dismiss it completely. As far as we know today, being dysphoric about ones body is a strong psychological force that comes from within, and that is stronger than any physicality we may posses, also studies have shown that the part of the brain where our personality resides is larger in most transgender people. So far medical researchers do not know why this is. It is estimated that 12-15% of the earths population to have this force from within, of feeling as though their gender has some sort of erroneous essence to what the surrounding claim to see and categorise them as.

”No! I refuse to call you he/him/his!” But why? All you have to do is say he instead of she (or something else) and it is okay if you mess up once or twice I am not going to cry as long as you correct yourself. Refusing to use the correct pronouns only shows how close minded someone is, it isin’t even all that difficult unless you have known a person a long time and referred to them by other pronouns, it is common that you will mess up often. It is okay to correct yourself, and soon enough the pronoun will stick.

”Are you sure you wont regret it later?” A response from a transgender person My friend: Emil, would be something like this (and forgive his language but it is necessary): ”Oh my FUCKING FUCK, SHIT!!! No I wont!!! I have been living in pain for 24 years, wrapped up in shackles and chains, unable to move, unable to express myself, unable to do the things I want to do. I wont regret it, I need to escape my female body!!! I’d rather die than to live like this.” And I agree with Emil!

”I understand you need to transition to be abel to feel like yourself, I mean my sister was miserable until she got a breast enlargement!” I cannot even begin to express how erroneous it is to compare gender dysphoria to breast enlargement. Yes a person wanting or going through a breast enlargement might have been miserable without it, and they might have had a difficult time not liking a certain body part but it cannot be compared with hating your entire existence and wondering if the world would be a better place without you. Also enlarging the breast doesn’t complicate your reproductive process. Enlarging ones breast doesn’t make one meet hatred from a white cis-heteronormative society, rather the opposite I am sure one get’s a lot of attention instead. So no do not compare gender dysphoria to any plastic procedure!

”If you are attracted to men than why are you transitioning into male?!” Because Gender Identity has noting to do with sexual orientation, a transperson has a sexual orientation just like everyone else. How they feel about their bodies has nothing to do with it! For example a transguy is not doing all of this so that women would be attracted to him and date him, it is about him being comfortable in his own skin, his sexual orientation could be anything.

There are more things cispeople by mistake say to transpeople, but those are the ones I have heard the most.

I will be back with several posts next week because I have quite a few things going on during holiday break. 

Thank you for reading! ​​
// JJ

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My grades fluctuate a lot, of course I haven’t been studying at University long enough for me to fully comprehend the grading system, it takes discipline, effort and practice for my grades to become steady. The effort has mainly been to get A’s and the very least B’s because I am aiming for a Masters degree later… One way I learned to up my grades is by reading the criticism I got from my previous essay’s, it is annoying but it also helped me a lot. I never had such good grades in High School, being depressed from both being bullied for my foreign background and the gender dysphoria which I couldn’t put into words at the time, I actually failed high school and had to take some classes afterwards to complete my high school degree and I am glad I did because I just got an A in a 15hp course!!!

In the beginning at University, I had no confidence in even getting an E what so ever, so I dug myself into those books, I was determined to prove to myself that all my middle school teachers where wrong! That I am not stupid because my hair is dark! I mean of course they never said to me ”You are stupid because you have dark hair” but they always spoke to me with a different voice, as though I am completely dense or doesn’t understand Swedish (even though I was born here in Sweden), this lead to me (according to psychologist) to disassociating from the Swedish language, and still to this day even though I am fluent in Swedish I sometimes have a difficulty speaking it, specially if meeting people for the first time I turn to english and claim that my Swedish is limited. But as soon as I feel comfortable with people I speak mostly Swedish, somehow english has become so very deeply rooted in me that sometimes I throw english words and phrases here and there even if I am comfortable around a person or a group of people. English is the language that I somehow take comfort in. I also have many friends of whom I speak nothing but English with.

Digging into those books and reading all about what I need to get a passing grade really worked because I got C’s and B’s a lot in the beginning, to this day I have never gotten anything below a C at University and I am very very proud of myself. I know my middle school teachers will probably never know this about me, but I am happy to have proved it to myself, that I am capable of achieving Top Grades regardless of what my ethnic background is, and regardless of the surrounding wanting to bring me down by telling me I can’t. I needed this grade for my own mental health! I did this for me! I also have some ideas on why it is like this, for one many teachers in Sweden do not have the right qualifications to work as teachers due to not enough people interested in that line of work. Another reason is because unfortunately white people have a long history of believing themselves to have a higher rank than the rest of us, sometimes they treat other ethnicities as though they are of lower rank subconsciously and therefor I am not as angry at my teachers today as I used to be when I was younger. I understand things better now, I can handle degrading, discrimination and abuse with no particular effort, carelessly so, because that is how much training I have had in receiving negativity all my life. I am still subject to discrimination for my foreign background on weekly basis. What helps the most is having wonderful people in my life. 

Enduring racism is at this point apart of my daily life, I have learned to handle it by taking self-defence classes, remaining optimistic, specially about humanity, and by not taking life seriously. I cannot take life seriously, I mean… I am a guy stuck in a girl’s body being discriminated against for having dark hair! Would you be abel to take life seriously? I guess if I did take life seriously I’d be in a mental institution by now. I should mention though that as an adult things are better, I have very good friends who see me as an individual not my ethnicity or what my culture stands for, in fact some like that I have different ways to think, or other, and I am very grateful to have these friends! I have gotten to know new people as well who never even bothered to ask where I am from. I am in touch with my biologically family on regular basis too, my transition is going to begin very very soon… 😃 After all this struggle, all this effort, I can honestly for the first time say that life is getting better. I am very happy all that optimism I tried to maintain and all that hard work to get away from negativity has lead me here! To the person I am today. After all our experiences make us who we are!

This post was simply just a life update and it also gives you an idea of what it is like to be of foreign descent living in Sweden or perhaps you can relate to what I wrote about?!. I will be writing another post this weekend (probably early Sunday) which will fall under the category Puberty.

Thank you for reading! // JJ

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These images where taken from google and I couldn't find any copyright on them, if there is my apologise, please contact me.

Why is hormone replacement therapy for transgender people so important?

Because having the right hormones in your body, male or female alters your looks in accordance to how you identify such as in the case of these transmen above. Can you believe that they where actually biologically born female?!

I want to mention quickly how thankful I am for those transgender men to be public about their transition and post it online... Because if they weren't public and didn't post about it, people would just pass them of as cismen and the world wouldn't know. So I am also thankful for the internet! 

Here are some before and after photo's I was abel to find on google, if you visit their youtube channels and Instagram you can find more but I wont copy those photos and put them here, I know google is legally okay to do so because you give up the right's for your photo's in many cases when they end up on google; social media I am not sure because I never bothered to read the terms and services agreement but it is there if you want to find out.. ^^

I am only going to mention the major changes that hormone replacement therapy does.

The testosterone hormone will: Will redistribute fat from hips, thighs and ass to abdomen, stop menstruation, lower the body fat by aprox 15-20%, the bone marrow will grow (if below the age of 20-25 one can increase in heigh but it is not a guarantee), increase male body hair, grow facial hair, grow an adams apple and get a deeper voice, muscle will increase by 30%, easier to grow muscles, metabolism will increase by 20%, increase in energy, enlarged clitoris among others… While the oestrogen hormone for MtF (male to female) does almost the opposite, fat will redistribute from abdomen to hips, ass and thighs, oestrogen will increase body fat by aprox 15-20%, breast tissue will grow, muscles will retrieve by 30%, metabolism will retrieve by 20%, penis and testicles will shrink in size, body hair will retrieve (not all of it, some must be removed with laser) and so on and so on. But all of the above has a lot to do with genes, meaning that for FTM, if men on your mother's side do not typically grow full facial hair than you are not likely to either and if they suffer from male pattered baldness than you are likely too suffer from it as well. Everything that has to do with hair follows the X chromosome, meaning that you inherit it from your mother's side of the family even for MTF's. For MTF it is typical that women in your family put on a lot of fat on their hips or ass or thighs than you are likely to follow in those footsteps.

Going through the changes is known as trans-pruberty because it is literarily what it does. It makes a person go through puberty, a person experiences all the physical changes of puberty however if above the age of 25, a person will not experience any of the brain developments that happened during puberty which is the main reason for being irrational and reckless as a teenager. The brain is fully developed at 25! Meaning you will go through a rational period of puberty. Although it has been reported that testosterone has effects on moods, many FTM's report decrease in general mood swings which isin't all that strange considering the period shortly before, during and shortly after menstruation causes the body to flare up in hormones. MTF's have however also reported an increase in not being abel to control their emotions as well as when they had testosterone in their system, not to mention that they found it easier to cry.
This is so very interesting! Further research on hormones is being made and it is one of the leading research-areas in medicine today.

The purpose of this blogpost is to mostly educate, hopefully also educate people who are not familiar or know anything about being transgender. This is currently a very politically debated and sensitive subject to people suffering from Gender Dysphoria since in many countries still seen as abnormal, or psychiatric disorder... It is a subject that is increasing and expanding quickly worldwide because of the knowledge we have established about hormones and the human psychology being more forceful than the human biology. I am sharing this knowledge which I have attained from working and doing social studies with and for different LGBTQ organisations in both Sweden, Australia and some European LGBTQ Organisations.

Thank you for reading!
// JJ

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Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day because you are allowed to have as much coffee as you want without any judgements! Also because it is the most fun meals for me… The rest of the day, if I didn’t have to eat for nutrition and energy purposes I probably wouldn’t eat. And because, I am also one of those people that if my food doesn't look good, I won't eat it and sometimes during the day you just have to eat something wether it looks good or not. --> I hate it!! --> which means I have to prep every meal properly before eating it, and while this is a bother for others, it is simply an art but also a pleasure for me. I am after all a food-enthusiast!

In these photos are some Breakfast Tips, some are healthy, some are less healthy, some of them are compeletely vegan.. As you probably have noticed I try to consume my fruit or berries in the morning because they give me energy in the morning and I will be certain I can burn them during the day. Let me know what you think!

Granola Omelett - Healthy Recipe

I know it looks like a pie with sliced up bananas on top but it is not! It is however delicious, Vegetarian and Milk free. It is also a Personal Trainer and lic Nutritionist --> Recommended Breakfast!

Ingrediens
1/2 dl of Granola (if you choose flavoured granola, choose no added sugar)
1 teaspoon of chia seeds
1/2 dl of Unsweetened Coconut milk
2 Eggs

How to...
Begin by putting a bit of oil and heating it up the in a frying pan, in the mean time soak the granola and the chia seeds in the coconut milk (let them soak for about 5min). Then take out the eggs and drop them in a bowl where you stir them really good, minimum of two minutes stirring. When you have let the granola soak for a min or two more you can pour them over the eggs and mix them all together. Put the omelette mix in the frying pan and turn down the heat to half level (for example 6 is full level for my stove so I turn it down to 3) and keep stirring back and forth until the mix comes together and forms larger small omelette pieces. Be careful not let all the granola gather in just one piece, try separating them fairly between the pieces.
I put all the finished pieces in a small bowl (as you see in the photo above) and slice up some bananas on top, sprinkle some granola and DONE. It is actually quite sweet! One of my favourite healthy breakfasts for sure!


Enjoy!
// JJ

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What is Gender Dysphoria?
Gender Dysphoria copied from wikipedia ”the condition of feeling one's emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one's biological sex.”, sometimes however gender dysphoria could be that you feel as neither male nor female, or you feel like both, or gender fluid and those have different gender identities than male and female, one could identify as non-binary or A-gender, or gender fluid and many many more. Something which hopefully will be more acceptable to talk about in the near future just as being FtM (Female to male) transperson or MtF (Male to Female) transperson. Note that being trans will from 2018 be referred to as Gender Incongruence in Sweden and some other countries which means (also copied from the internet) ”A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender.” and where being trans will no longer be treated as a psychiatric illness. Finally!

How to deal with Gender Dysphoria.
The worst of Gender Dysphoria is people’s reactions to the way you dress, keep your hair short, the way you act and how it is contrary to the gender they believe is the obvious. When you are young it is easy to pass off as the opposite sex but hitting puberty where you no longer can deny your biological state is by far the worst experience ever!!! In teen years I had to learn how to hide my female form, I used a binder on my breast and I slept on my breast determined to make them not grow, and I think it worked because I have an A-cup contrary to all the cis-females in my family having the minimum of C-cups. The rest was clothes, I had always bought guy clothes but it was also abut buying the right clothes. For example I love wearing shirts but I cannot wear shirts because they bring out my female forms and make me very gender dysphoric, so I stick with hoodies until my body can wear shirts. I like cargo-pants for the most part because they are comfortable and they are good at hiding the female ass and hips that I possess. I could never wear jeans because they form themselves with your body. Also when it comes to pants, I lower them a little which makes the body look more straight. I wear two T-shirts or a tank-top and T-shirt over my breast-binder, always (even during the summer) and a hoodie so you can imagine why I am always sweating and hating the summer. Wearing a lot of clothes was the only way to hide everything, and if I didn’t hide them I couldn’t go outside my apartment or even look in the mirror.

How to deal with the waiting & depression.
I have been tempted to buy testosterone online many times but I also know that the endocrinologists job is to determine the volume of hormones your body needs, seeing how we are all different shapes and sizes. I don’t know if I dealt with depression really, I have gone to a psychologist and I was put on antidepressants to counter what I was feeling. The psychologist claimed that I use sarcasm and humor in my day to day life as a self defence mechanism, that I choose not to take my life seriously because there is nothing serious about it and he was right. My life is a joke, I am stuck in a female form, a body that does not belong to me. So I couldn’t take it seriously, and I still can’t, however I do not know if this will change in the future when I am more comfortable in my male form. Many people like me for being the comedian or the class-clown, they always wave me over for a joke and I like being that guy so I doubt this will change only that I will always remember what made me into this guy. The agony behind the source of the humor that fills my heart. Oh how poetic, right! Anyway… When my depression was at it’s worst, I stopped eating, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t go out, I just couldn’t function at all..
So as far as dealing with depression goes, I just kept pushing through, kept forcing myself to the gym, to University and so on and so on. Keeping busy helped the most, because if I was busy, I wasn’t thinking about how much I hate my extra layer of body fat or my high pitched voice. When I began getting a grip of how to fight depression myself I made a routine of habits for myself, a plan to follow as suggested by the psychologist. I am not saying it will work for everybody, but in most occasions it worked for me along side the antidepressants.
The routine to live with depression and function - I woke up very early every day, took my meds, had breakfast (even though I had no appetite I forced myself to eat) went to either work out or had a costumer in the morning. Then I usually went home, showered, had something to eat (at this point after work out I was hungry) and then off to catch the train to Stockholm. Even if I started later in the day, I was usually on Campus around 9-10, I sat and studied, because when I was studying I didn’t have my mind on my Gender Dysphoria. After a lecture or seminar I was usually beat despite all the coffees I may have had that day. On the train ride back to Västerås I usually surfed the internet or napped a little. Then I walked home from the train station to my apartment which took about 40min, and I did this for two reasons 1. as a PT I am always equipped with the mind of moving as much as possible, and 2. because I exhausted myself even more which made it so that by the time I got home around 18-19 I was ready to fall asleep. This helped counter my insomnia a lot. But I didn’t go to bed that early, I usually did some house-shores, meal-prepped, stuff like that, then watched something on Netflix and fell asleep half-way through. I think I have watched (literarily half) all the movies available on Netflix, meaning I have almost never finished one. lol
Yeah this is how I dealt with it.. It worked for a while, but the depression kept forcefully growing, it was as if I slowed down the process of depression rather than remove it because after all I had no power to remove it, all I had to do was wait. I felt powerless and as though I had no human rights what so ever. The waiting is what made the depression I once had implode into a severe depression. But I keep reminding myself that soon enough, I will be myself, I will look in the mirror and like the guy starring back at me.

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Is something which usually transpeople but in some cases even intersex people go through, where a person lives as the gender they identify with. So for example I identify as male, I live and present myself as male. The duration of this period is usually about a year in Sweden before you are allowed to go through puberty (or Hormone Replacement Therapy as it is called medically) but in terms of being trans I am calling it puberty and will be calling it puberty in future posts as well, because that is basically what it is. However I started identifying openly as male in November 2015, and sought out medical care in January 2016. I still haven't hit puberty yet, because of the unfortunate fact of more people applying for trans medical care but the government claims to not have enough resources to educate more doctors in this field. Something which we of course must change seeing how 46% of transpeople try to commit suicide and roughly half of them succeed.

My Real Life Experience
For some people it is a major change where they, before realising that they are trans tried to dress and act in accordance of their biological gender (at least how their biological gender is socially constructed to act and dress), and so this means a change of all of that plus identifying openly as (in my case) male, changing their wardrobe. using the male public bathroom and so and so on. However for me, I have always been on the masculine side, always had my hair short, always dressed in male clothes, acted like males are unfortunately socially constructed to act despite everyone in my surrounding telling me to let my hair grow out, telling me to act like a girl, buying me dolls and gifts for females which I hated!!! Oh gosh I hated every stupid pink and sparkly thing I have ever gotten!!! Anyway I am one of those who has persistently been male ever since birth but the period before seeking out trans medical care I tried to be more feminine, which is also very usual among transpeople. For me however it didn’t go very far, I tried to let my hair grow out but kept cutting it anyway, just that it was a bit longer but still very short, I bought a few female clothes and almost never wore them and when I did I felt uncomfortable as hell, specially when I tried on a dress. Anyway this lasted about a year or so, after that I suffered major depression! My depression was mainly because of finally admitting it and because of knowing that the wait for transition is very long and agonising.... wanting to fit into male clothes without my breast and hips making everything to tight and weirdly fit. Even though I have had a long experience of disguising my female forms, at some point all that gathered agony just bursted into the worst period of my life. I sought out trans medical care in January 2016 as I mentioned earlier, and I have pretty much been hating my existence ever since. Mainly because explaining Gender Dysphoria to cis and heteronormative people is very, very difficult. Most, usually have no previous knowledge of Gender Dysphoria and if they have heard of it, most pass it off as abnormal. To explain to someone how one wants to remove their perfectly functioning breast or ovaries and uterus, or in the case of transwomen the male sex organ (which is technically not removed but split and turned inside out to form female genitalia), but I will explain Gender Dysphoria further in a later post.

The purpose of Real Experience is to experience how people will treat you when you identify as a different gender from the one that they think is obvious based on your physical features. People are discriminating and sometimes it feels as though you have to go through this period as a punishment but it is actually about the trans medical care unit making sure you are certain you want to do this not to mention for them to have time to study your situation and medical needs. Sometimes it feels as though they need to make sure that you are willing to suffer for the diagnosis, which sounds barbaric because transpeople have usually suffered their entire lives. I myself keep reminding myself to wait out this period where every day doesn't feel as though it is worth living, where passing over a bridge one considers to jump off it. I remind myself every time those thoughts pop into my head that soon enough I will break free from the shackles and chains that is my female form, that soon enough I can live my life freely, that soon enough I will be abel to swim in public, in a pool or in the ocean because it is a something I have been waiting to do since I was about eight or nine years old. Yes! that was the last time I went swimming in public. I had bathing shorts on, my breast hadn't popped out yet, I miss that pre puberty time... Sigh... I keep holding onto the future being better than my present, it is what get's me through the day!

Thanks for reading!
Have a good one!
// JJ

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Most of the LGBTQ people I know, claim that they have endured discrimination one way or another for identifying as something, anything that goes against the heterosexual norms. I get discriminated against on weekly basis and ironically enough, I almost never get discriminated against for my gender identity because unfortunately being of foreign descent trumps everything.

I am used to being discriminated against, my entire upbringing I was bullied in school, and told things such as ”Go back to your black-head country you black-head.” and ”You don’t belong here!” etc.. My childhood was brutal, I was alone, I was withdrawn, I did not speak. I was mute, I mean I could speak but I was to scarred to speak I guess. I don’t know I got to see a child psychologist about that… I did not have any friends until I turned 20. I grew up in a vicious environment and I ironically it was my home. Because Sweden is my home, I was born here, I speak Swedish, I learned to sing the Swedish national song (I don’t even know how it sounds in Brazilian nor Lebanese) I celebrate Swedish holidays and when it is soccer season I cheer for the Swedish soccer team! Sweden is my home despite my multicultural background which I love about myself too. It is very unpleasant living in your home-country and everywhere you turn someone is telling you ”you don’t belong here!”

Discrimination comes in many forms, direct, indirect and physical abuse and I will have you know I have endured all three forms. The most common however is in indirect form, and it comes and it goes and you just have to learn to not let it bother you, because it effects you negatively. It has affected my mental health to the limit. It makes me anxious, it makes me hate my existence and I am constantly on guard walking down the street but I guess all this suffering also has shaped who I am.

I hope this post shines a light on the racism that is well and alive in Sweden! --> What inspired this blog post is reading an article today that said "Sweden has a long history of an egalitarian mind-set and therefor racism in Sweden is not as visible or as severe as is in other countries..." and I cannot assume anything about the person who wrote this (as in color or nationality or gender) but only that their perspective seems to be subjective and incorrect! As a person of foreign descent who has endured too much discrimination, this information is wrong!
I will write more about this later...

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful weekend!

// JJ

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