To be completely honest with all of you, this year has been the toughest year of my life. I studied economics at the same time as I had 8 jobs and worked from 6 am to 2 am and slept for about 4 hours each night. I had the ambition to make the most of the year and to do my best. I did not have time to workout or sleep enough, I gained weight and felt more and more tied up. When I was surrounded by this hectic life, the thing that gave me a feeling of freedom was knowing that me and my friend would do this biking trip and would not have to think about anything else for two months. However this changed rapidly as my friend got in a accident and was not going to be able to take part of this trip due to some injuries that would take time to heal. After that I was standing there alone with the decision to give up or to try to do this project on my own and I remember thinking that even if I was now alone on this project, would that be a reason to give up? The year I had behind me had every reason to tell me that I could not make through even the first day of this journey. I did not want to believe that I could make it, but I was once again about to show myself that I was capable of more than I thought.
Then the time was here, the first day started, i struggled like never before, I had blisters, my knees were hurting and all I wanted to do was to give up, to end the project and to end the pain. However I continued, one day at a time and got even worse blisters that I ignored. I biked alone in the woods and ignored my fear of being alone and my fear of running into different animals. I made the decision to ignore all the negative thoughts and feelings that I had in my mind and tried to be positive. I reached new destinations each day, I experienced new feelings, new thoughts, new people and new places and I felt completely free. I felt like I really was capable of doing this, like me and my bike was the only thing I had to care about. Day after day I listened to my favourite music and saw the ocean on my right side and experienced feelings I never thought I could and I saw places I never thought existed. Although being a person who never shows emotions, during this journey something has changed. I am no longer afraid of showing how I feel because I know that everything would get easier when doing so. I learned that negative thinking would not take me forward.
I thought I could make it all the way, until my luck turned and a bacteria entered my body. When I got sick the first day I thought that it was terrible, I thought that I am going to miss a whole week of biking, but who thought it would end up being 3 weeks, who thought it would end up to end this fantastic journey and all the fantastic feelings that I thought I could experience for two more weeks? It ended up to make me take the toughest decisions that I have ever made so far. You know the feeling when you say to yourself that you are going to listen to your gut feel and that gut feel has two different opinions. One minute you want to continue no matter what the doctors say and the other minute you think that you really should not risk your health. I cried several times and for several days just by the thought of giving up on this project. It took me weeks before actually making the decision to be happy with what I have achieved so far and to end the biking in Sölvesborg. It is hard to end something when the driving force for your project has been the feeling of reaching the destination. To end something after that you have biked for 3 100 kilometers, collected over 70 000 to Barncancerfonden and completed 3/4 of your goal. To not reach the destination.
However visiting the hospital for two times, being sick for 3 weeks and the words from the doctor that I need to have at least one month rest after these weeks of sickness, made me think about my health. The doctors said that if the medicine I got would not have worked, there is no other medicine that my body can get, due to my deadly allergy to penicillin. They told me that most likely it was a bacteria that attacked my body, but due to the risk of hurting my heart, I should not continue. It is hard to give up something that you know you could have done, if not a bacteria would have attacked the body. To know that something you have been planning for for several months and offered so much time as well as money would end today. It is hard and what makes it even harder is that it was a decision that worked against my own personality of being a stubborn person who never gives up on things. Several times I fed my mind with thoughts like “If kids get sick and get cancer, do they just stop fighting Meiju?!” and these thoughts only made the decision harder as the obvious answer is no.
Although I know that there are several people saying that I made the right decision and that I should be happy for what I have overcome so far, it is hard. There are so many hours behind this project that I have gone through with using the simple thought that it will all be worth it in the end, that all the tears and all the pain as well as the joy and the people that I have met during my journey will blend into this fantastic mix of happiness when bicycling the last day to Umeå. Unfortunately this was the end of this project and I have needed to learn how to give up on things, how to listen to your body and how to know when enough is enough. Today I have to go towards the next challenge with the simple thought that if I had not gotten sick I would have finished this journey and with the simple trust that it is never too late to try again.
What I have learned is that it is important to live in this moment, to embrace it all and to understand that we only live once and we are here to achieve our own dreams how unrealistic these dreams might be. Today I will go to bed with the thought of the next project and the next chance to do something big for this worlds, to make a change. I have also learned that my driving force is, the simple want to reach higher, to make a bigger change and to challenge myself as well as achieve my dreams, one day at a time.
Fortunately even if my journey for this time is over the collection of money will continue until the end of september and my hope for closing this project is that we together can reach 100 000 SEK, which means that there is about 30 000 SEK left to reach that goal. As I said kids with cancer never get the choice to stop fighting and this is something that is above all meaning, these kids only want to get the chance to continue fighting even in the future, help me give them this chance, because this is something that we can do something about.
Thank you everyone for following my journey and hopefully you want to take part of my past as well as my future projects that you can find at
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