I was just talking to my flatmates about bad jokes and here I am putting one in the title of this post. We were also talking about really pointless gifts. Did you know there is a special fan you can buy for your smartphone so that you get that hair blowing effect for when you're taking a selfie? There's a also a selfie stick that looks like a hand to make it look like you have friends... I'm done.
So anyways, I've been wanting to address this for quite some time because a lot of times I feel like this is happening to me. Sometimes I just love how my resting bitch face creates awkward situations. Seriously, I love how it keeps people from engaging in small talk when I don't feel like talking; like recruiters in the city centre, shop assistants, hair dressers etc. Most of the time I just want to be kept alone and my face says it for me. It's amazing and people are amazing for understanding it. If I could I would thank everyone who paused from approaching me and turned the other way.
But every now and then someone misinterprets this as me being scared or feeling bad, which I hate because once someone starts acting like there is something wrong with me I get very defensive because to me this is saying that I'm doing something wrong... when I'm just being myself. I will never be able to relate to these people. Yes, I do understand that they do this because they care, but it just makes me super uncomfortable. I just want to shout "you don't KNOW me".
Exhibit A: I was sitting in a room listening to a lecture. The lecturer was very friendly and spoke to everyone and made lots of eye contact. So was I because I was listening (I have this way of either listening intensely or not at all). And then she turns to me and is like "you alright there, Findus?" and I just responded "yeah". She then continued talking about what we were doing and after a few minutes she said "so we're going continue with an exercise *turns to me and stops smiling* Is that alright, Findus?". I nodded. She said "yeah...?". Like she had to ask for my permission or something. And it just continued like that for almost two hours.
Just keeping myself from saying all the stuff I want to say makes me repeat it over and over in my head like I can't stop picturing a washing machine spinning round and round. I get echolalia and I just can't stop repeating all the things I want to say in my head.
My landlord talks normal to everyone and then turns to me and asks "is everything alright? and stares intensely at me.
Me: Yeah, everything's fine
He: Are you sure?
(this is when I usually speed up my responses as his stare gets more and more intense)
He: Nothing at all that's wrong with the house
He: Because if there's something and you don't tell me... then I can't do anything,
Me: I know
He: So if there's anything, make sure to tell me.
Seriously this is just very condescending, like I can't speak my mind unless you're super soft on me. Like asking a child "are you sure you don't need to go to the bathroom?".
So finally a bit of advice. If you suspect that someone is sad or whatever and they don't talk about it (maybe they are giving an answer that seems avoiding), talk about anything else than that so that they feel comfortable around you and then they might actually tell you something. Christ. This is basic stuff. Calling someone out in public like in exhibit A just made me sad when I wasn't. I was actually very happy that day and then I felt like I was in a hopeless situation because I didn't want to be rude enough to say "stop talking to me like I'm a wounded bird!!". This just gets on my nerves...