Here I come crawling back again. Haven't written in months and I have a feeling that the last things I posted were downers. My life has been very dramatic and I'm at a point where I'm just starting to recover from it. Relationships, travelling back and forth, jobs and finally deciding to move to Brighton. I think I can just rest down here for a bit and then maybe build myself up again or whatever. I'm doing ok.

The school I'm working at now is quite different from the one in Oxford so I'm learning some new things. But it's yet too early to tell how things are going to be like because apparently this place explodes in September when the students come back. I want to see how that's like because at the moment the residence is pretty empty. I live in a room quite close to my office for now. I am supposed to get a flat sometime next month. I am looking forward to that because it's no use getting settled in if you know you're going to move immediately. So once that's in order I'll start creating a home or something. I don't like my room very much. It's alright and all, but stuff is everywhere (again, no need to unpack my stuff) and the window is painted grey so I don't accidentally expose myself or something, because my room is on the ground floor.

I have started taking ukulele lessons so I can finally start playing something that has more than three chords (four and I'm a rockstar, right?). I found a good teacher on top of a massive hill. When I walked there the first time, google maps made it look like a walk in the park... well, there was a park, actually, but after one kilometer of walking at a 30 degree angle. I was spent when I got there! But I learned a lot so I'm definitely going back.! I also took a singing lesson, but the teacher advised me to go to another teacher, because she was a bit intimidated by the fact that I've taken lessons for some years before. But she didn't give me my money back xD So yeah, I'll have to keep looking. I'm already in touch with another potential singing teacher, so I hope that works out.

I'm going to sound a bit cheesy now, but I'm kinda happy to be in this uncertain stage in life. New place, new job, new everything. I've been terrified and felt lonely, but that's just one of those things that grows on you once you start thinking you're all alone and stuff. I can't change the world in day. All I can do is tell everyone that bugs me to chill down, because that's where I am now. Resting in the unknown. At least I'm doing something I like - working with international students. I like indulging in their lives and feeling like you're making a difference and you learn from their cultures. A saudi arabian boy has taught me fascinating stuff about the Grand Mosque in Mecca. Apparently people walk seven laps around a giant cube (Kaba) in the centre. And this morning a russian boy sat down to have breakfast with me and told me that if the weather drops to below -30°C, students under 10 years old don't have to go to school. For the rest of the students, it's if temperature falls below -50°C! And he said that the worst thing you can do is blaming public transport for being late, because everyone else who came on time will of course call bulls*it. And last week I spoke to a German girl about someone in her life being overprotective and we had a good conversation about it and the next day she came back and said she had called said person to come over because she missed that person. So yeah, this is why I'm here.

Bye Oxford...

Hi Brighton!

//Findus Krantz

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Hi everyone,

You've probably noticed I like making lists about stuff. The truth is that sometimes adding stuff together makes more sence as a whole than just individual stuff. And lately I've felt uncomfortable about these kinds of comments, because there's just nu proper way of responding to them.

Exhibit A: Stating a season to your clothes.

Friend: Is that a new dress?

Me: Yes! Yes it is.

Friend: It's very... summery.

WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?! I get it if it's a super warm day and you add something positive to the statement, like "I like it - it's very summery!". This gets even more confusing if it's said only as a statement AND there's no sun out (or not, in fact, summer). Am I supposed to apologize if it's not summer? I like flowers. So what? Now, you're probably thinking "omg, Findus, you are sooo sensitive". I guess I don't like feeling like I am left out. Does anyone? But, yeah, this really does confuse me. At least add a smile or something so I know it's not just said as a statement. At least that gives me a direction on what to answer. Or something... hmm. I actually don't know how much that helps. Am I even making sense?

Exhibit B: "Faith in humanity RESTORED"

Okay, so this is usually used online in forms of memes, but still. People seem impressed by the smallest things (I guess this is a good thing too, but nevertheless confusing to me).

*Picture of a car nicely parked* - "FAITH IN HUMANITY RESTORED".

Call me cynical... but is THAT something restoring your faith in a world full of racism, white privilege, patriarchy, inequality and violence. Someone who fucking knows how to park... Ignorance is bliss indeed. By all means, show me REAL stuff to make you feel warm at heart. Proper parking is not enough for this bitter lady xD

//Findus Krantz

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Here I am again. Sitting listening to the same song over and over again like I did in my days of teenage angst. So much is the same like then, yet diferent. I want to skip to the end, know the answer and yet still learn my lesson. Life is so surreal. It feels like someone lead me astray with a nice offer that then lead me straight into a cage. The cage then opened up somewhere else and although you're happy to be out, you just want things to go back to the way they were. But where you happy or where you in need of something to lead you astray in the first place?

Questions like these are the reason I'm not alright. Among the reasons. I just feel so fooled somehow. Like this wasn't what I signed up for. I know I just have to hold on until I move to Brighton in a month. But I'm scared. Will I be happy there or feel even worse? Can I be happy anywhere or am I destined to come back to the same place over and over. I hope I can just flip to the end and someone could tell me things will be alright, but actually knowing it will and not just saying it. I am overwhelmed easily these days. When you've been boiling under a lid for a while, anything that closes the air around you just a tiny but will make it boil over. So sometimes I just want a temporary sollution to release the pressure just a little bit. Overdosing on caffeine and anxiety pills and drinking with friends. Because if I laugh just once in a day the day wasn't worthless and I can continue. Living is a lot like writing. Some days there's a lot going in and you know that you've had an important day. Or at least a productive day. Other days you have to force yourself to take the tiniest step and then you push yourself to continue, because what's the alternative? Word after word after word. Repeat.

Get older. Get wiser. Learn. At least you're not 15 anymore. Forget the pain. Forget the hurt. Ignore the faces in the windows, it's never who you think it is.

//Findus Krantz

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Hi there,

So I've been to Oxford for over a year now. Can you believe it? I came here on the 9th of June last year, only a couple of days after having finished my studies. I never knew then that I would love this place and make it my second home. But as you know I'm a restless person who needs a challenge every now and then. Above all I need to be inspired by new places and keep travelling.

An opportunity has come up and I am going to take it. I am moving to Brighton in August! I'm really excited and scared and everything but this just needs to happen. So yeah, I'm going for it!

//Findus Krantz

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I have a plan for today. I'm going to write and later I'm meeting up with friends in Cowley. That's good enough. There's this story I've been wanting to write for years and a couple of weeks ago I finally started thanks to a writing group I go o every Saturday. And of course thanks to everyone who tell me they want to read some of my works. I don't want anything to throw me off this newfound balance. Oh hey, would you look at that. I'm getting more positive!

Opportunities rather than decisions. I have lots of opportunities. Lots of stories to acquire. Because in the end I'm only here for the stories. There's pain in my bruises and and allthough my heart is full of stiches it keeps on beating and there's always room for more people, no matter where I go. I can't jump to the end to see what happens. I have to feel it.

//Findus Krantz

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I don't even know what to call it anymore. Life crisis, temporary depression, restlessness? How can my heart beat so fast and my head feel so heavy?

I think I need to leave. Pick up the pieces and create a new normal. This feeling is what usually drives me far away. It drove me here once and now I need it to pick me up again or I will lose myself. But I'm scared of course. Scared about life and about making things worse somehow. Be brave, Findus. You're done here and you know it.


//Findus Krantz

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I'm at this amazingly melancholic state where I just don't care anymore. I'm fine with thinking everything is stupid and that there's no reason behind anything. Things just is. I just to hate this shut down shrug kind of side of me, but I honestly don't mind. The more people that bother me the more I withdraw and it feels good. I just hate people right now. Well not exactly good either. I'd like to have myself back again and not this grumpy person who's nesting in bed. I need to get back somehow before this goes too far.

Like parents sometimes say in easy watch tv series "come back again when you're nice". That's what I feel like right now. I need to get past everything that's bothering me and look forward to something. I had something to look forward to but then there came some preconditions that made me doubt things. So now. I need something new.

But first I'm gonna drown my sorrows with friends.

//Findus

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I'm not calling this the worst day of my life. I've had way worse. But it's still pretty bad.

I'm at the same emotional state as before. I want to be left alone. I know a certain someone kind enough to respect my will and for that I thank you. But the people I don't want in my face are the only ones not keeping away from me right now. I removed my facebook because too many people on there piss me off. Not just the usual crap that gives me a sour taste in my mouth like "look at my dog; no seriously look at it" ("dog" can easily be exhanged for "baby", "boyfriend" or "coffee" or whatever). It's the people that write to me.

No I don't want to date you x. No I don't appreciate that y who ruined me a couple of years ago just decided to get back to me and pretend like nothing's happened. No I don't want to give z a "second" chance. No I don't want to update Messenger. I want to remove it. In fact I want to remove everything and everyone.

And to top it off I just found out that saying yes to a new job I was about to announce, means losing my redundancy leave... let's just say I need for some plans I was making. Ugh, now I'm seriously considering saying no just to get the money. I need to be smart about this and come up with a plan. Something that doesn't mean I have to choose between being unemployed or dismissing xK. Eyes on the price, Krantz. Eyes on the price.

//Findus Krantz

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Today I wrote on a piece of fruit. A sublime message on an orange. I wrote "we have everything we need; we just don't agree". I wanted to place it in the kitchen for everyone to see. I wanted to take pictures of it and share them over the internet. The fact that people might think I'd be trolling them or looking for attention didn't bother me. In fact I wanted to write more. The second thought that came to mind was "show me something new". Although I did not follow through on writing this message as it required me to step out of my anxious bubble and go to the store and get a second orange, and maybe even a better pen. And I'm still not sure of the purpose. Maybe I don't have to be either, but people tend to take the answer "I just felt like it" the wrong way. People are strange, always policing one another on what is socially acceptable and not, what is stereotypically perceived as male or female, a joke or something hurtful. Leave people alone, because in the end it's your behavior that is hurtful. And so is mine.

Microaggressions as well as forcing people to adapt. Forcing people to hide away like me on a bad day, because showing people your true self is weak or selfish. But without fear there's no such thing as bravery and maybe the weakest thing to do is to adapt and the strongest thing is acceptance and honesty.

Then I got distracted by something and ate the orange. We have everything we need; we just don't agree.

I'm so full of shit.

//Findus Krantz

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I feel like I need to sleep for a week. There are lots of things I want to do and say but I just cannot be bothered. It's like I'm living in my autopilot bubble where I'm just not functioning or caring. But hey, I know exactly what it is.

My life has been kinda dramatic lately and now I'm at a point where I just want to tell anyone talking to me to f*ck off. Introvert struggles.... But apart from that I'm fine. I had an amazing week in Sweden. A bit of everything and above all I got to see people I've missed and so on. I visited my old University and got that wonderful nostalgic feeling. It seems like only yesterday me and Jenny sat in my apartment and did the final proofreading of our dissertation.

I went to my childhood friend's wedding as one of the bridesmaids which was really intense (as is always expected with weddings), but I had a lot of fun and I'm really happy I went. I still have some sappy wedding songs on my mind. I made a little wedding song playlist whilst me, the bride and the two other bridesmaids where getting ready at the salon. We all looked gorgeous in the end ^^

Since I got home I've basically just been sleeping plus working a long shift at the college (19 hours!). Now I'm off until Saturday night... I am not planning on doing anything productive until then and I'd like to keep it that way.

So yeah, overall I'm happy with things. Now, leave me alone to rest for a bit :)

//Findus Krantz

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