Today I remembered something that wasn't real. In fact I dreamt about it and as I woke up to the sound of the text message signal on my phone I found myself thinking that I must go there soon. I thought that this might clear my head. It's an apartment by some very small colorful houses. They are standing on a patch of grass and they all have little gardens. The houses are so small they look like they could merely fit a medium sized dog in there, like miniature sized allotments. I have no neighbours in the actual building, but yet I can see other regular sized houses nearby so I'm not exaclty alone. It's not too far from the highway. I know what the apartment looks like. It is shaped like an L. I have furnitures. A big sofa, a bookcase and a round dining room table by the big windows on the side. If you go left there's a small kitchen.
However, I realise that this place isn't real. It hurts me, because it is real to me. I drink lemon tea and read the newspaper and I feel safe in there. Yet I know the places I've lived in and I know the homes of people I've visited and this place isn't real. I may not remember faces well, but I always remember places. Now that I think about it is somewhat similair to the house a childhood friend used to live in, but the setting is different.
I am in the middle of a very difficult decision making process. I am choosing between two alternatives and I will choose the alternative that makes the scale tip over to one side. That's the way I know how to do it. As if I was choosing which movie to watch in the cinema. Because regardless of what I choose I still get to see a movie. It doesn't matter which one would have been better in the end. But decisions are not decisions without feelings. You have to have some sort of emotion towards something in order to make up your mind. Yesterday I read that people who've had trauma in their life has a harder time making a decision. Something about the amygdala only reacting to fight/flight adrenaline where there's no time to make up your mind. You just do it because it's between life or death (or something that really scares you). You're not thinking, you're on autopilot. Some days I'm constantly on autopilot. I feel like I'm disappointing my environment when I am. Not laughing at things that are funny, not paying attention, not being able to maintain a conversation. I stare blankly at a spot somewhere far away and people ask me what I'm thinking. I wish I could give them an interesting yet non exposing answer. I just hope I make up for it on good days.
When I do make a decision people tend to ask me if I'm sure. I don't blame them. I say stuff, sometimes with zero confidence in my voice, because to me it is more important having an answer than to actually make up my mind. Not having an answer makes people see through you which leads to questions and all this at a time when I'm incapable of talking about it. And sometimes I have an answer, but I don't want to hear the doubt in my own voice, so I give the environment the answer they accept - yes, I would like a piece of cake (no, I don't really like cake), yes, I would like to grab a cup of coffee (I'd rather be alone for a while), yes, I would like to read this book (it doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy).
So what do I want?
I want to visit the house that isn't real and get to know the little people who live in the small houses.
The scale just tipped over.